Loving the City

I grew up in San Francisco, so sometimes it's hard to be objective about this town, but I just love living here. I thinking the 3 years in Oakland really allowed Brian and I the space to appreciate life in the city. Although parking was so easy in Oakland, we constantly missed the energy of the city. We would go out to dinner at a popular restaurant and there was no excitement, nor any real vibe. Brian and I both thrive on the energy of a city, even as parents. When we bought our home last year, so many people were shocked that we were moving from the East Bay back to the city since most people move out of the city once they start a family. They want bigger homes, more sidewalk space for strollers, and more "family-friendly" places. Whatever. That's all fine and dandy for other East Bay folks, but we feel more alive, more connected in San Francisco. I never realized how disconnected I felt in Oakland until I moved back. Although I had an amazing support group of moms and my dearest friend, Kristen (who I miss constantly), in Oakland, I felt like we had nothing else. Brian worked in the city and my family was here, so I felt unsettled. We moved into a smaller house in a quiet neighborhood on the edge of the city where I grew up, and we couldn't be happier. Well, I guess we would love some more space, but we are willing to make some compensations for life in the big city. More than anything, we love taking our kids to all of the wonderful attractions that San Francisco has to offer. Luca loves the train at the Zoo (see above) and we most recently went to the newly renovated Academy of Sciences which is simply breathtaking (also above!). Brian and I love our little home and are thrilled that our children are growing up in such an exhilarating, culturally diverse, and simply beautiful city.

Christmas Hesitation

For some reason, I have struggled to get into the Christmas spirit. One would think that having 3 children around, two of which squeal with delight when they see any sort of Christmas decoration, would somehow ignite that excitement about Christmas. Unfortunately, I can't seem to find that place. Maybe my discontent with the Christmas spirit resides with my resistance to the American ideal of abundance and materialism. I guess I am a minimalist and I don't like a lot of stuff. If I had my way, my house would be clear of all clutter (which is impossible with 3 kids in a 850 square foot house). As my children are becoming more and more aware of the gift-giving tradition of Christmas, they can't seem to stop talking about all of the presents they are going to get from Santa. I know this is quite normal, but I can't help but feel a twinge of disgust. Maybe that sounds a bit strong but I want nothing more than to raise my children with a strong sense of appreciation for what they have and a sense of gratitude for all of the things we have in our lives that are not material. As they unwrap gifts, they tear the paper off and simply glance at the content for a split second before they are intensely focused on opening the next gift. This is normal behavior for a 4-year-old, but I can't help but wonder if I could somehow affect this desire for more and more. Every time we go into a store, Sofia will ask me "what are you going to buy me Mommy?" over and over again. When I tell her that we are not buying her anything but rather we are buying something for someone else, she screams and cries. I feel a pang of disgust and of shame, as if I have somehow contributed to her awful behavior. So, as we approach Christmas, I feel a bit anxious that my children will forget to say "thank you" and may not show any sort of appreciation for all of the wonderful gifts they are about to receive. Next year, I hope that we can find a way to approach Christmas with grace and try to incorporate some sort of tradition that focuses on the gratitude and simple joy that is truly at the heart of the Holiday Season. Hopefully, Sofia and Luca will revel in the love that surrounds them this year that comes in the form of train tracks and pretend make-up. Maybe next year we will find a way to revel more in the giving than in the receiving. We shall see.

My Little Guy

We all know that the Nug is my sweet little baby. I swear that he just gets cuter every day. I carry Silvio in the Ergo all of the time because I have the other kids in the double stroller. Where else would he go? Although he is carried out of necessity, I absolutely love having him snuggled into my chest. I often rub his chunky calves and give him tons of kisses in the folds of his neck (one of my favorite places). Every so often he leans back, looks at me, and grabs my face with his chubby paws. He then smiles and makes some cute sound. I just love it, even though most the time he is not very gentle and pulls my lip. This is the kind of stuff moms love.
My little Nug is not so little anymore. He is getting so big and is changing so much. He signed "more" the other day and I just about cried. He also love to clap especially when I sing to him The Nug has been doing things in his own way, and I am learning to be patient (once again). He is not crawling but he scooches on his butt. It is the funniest, quirkiest, cutest scooch I have ever seen. I will post a video of it sometime. Anyway, I am constantly reminded of how amazingly unique each child is in how they relate to the world. Silvio loves to take his time examining the tiniest things and often gets lost in his own little world. I am grateful for his attention, his willingness to take it all in, and his ability to reach out to us in so many ways. I am holding on tightly to every moment.

Four Years

Sofia is 4 today. I cannot believe that my first little baby came into the world four years ago. I keep thinking about that morning when I waddled into Labor and Delivery to check in for my C-section. I was scared, excited, anxious, and overwhelmed with emotion. My family was there to hang out with me before I went into the Operating Room. After a few hours of waiting, it was finally time. I had always envisioned myself being rolled into the OR, but I actually waddled my way into the room and hoisted myself onto the table. I had thought that Brian would come in with me, but they made him wait outside while they prepped me. I was terrified. You mean I have to go into this cold, bright room by myself? We were both stunned. I sat there quietly as I got my spinal which hurt a bit then they laid me down. I began to feel the affects of the anesthesia and my legs began to tingle. Within a few minutes, I couldn't move my legs and i felt like someone was stepping on my chest. I began to panic because I felt like I could not breathe and I did not know when the hell Brian was going to join me. Then I began to feel nauseous and really thought I was going to loose it. Just then, Brian finally was able to come into the OR and he immediately saw the sheer terror in my face. He was as terrified as me, since he had walked into the OR just as they had actually begun the surgery. I told him to talk to me so that I didn't have to think about what was going on with my body. Within 5 minutes they told us that the baby was almost out. Brian and I braced ourselves for the most amazing moment of our lives. Dr. Matthew then said, "Daddy, do you want to see what the baby is?" Brian stood up, a moment too soon and his face twisted...the baby was not out yet. I was staring at him, eagerly awaiting to know the sex of our little baby. Brian's face lit up and he smiled the most beautiful fatherly smile and said "it's a girl." Sofia immediately began to cry, and my heart filled with such love and joy. I could feel the energy pulsating through my body. This sweet moment changed my life in ways that I could not have imagined. In that moment, I met my beautiful little girl and I became a mother. Over the last four years, I have learned more about myself than I did in the 28 years prior. I have learned that patience is necessary, that hugs are incredibly healing, and that "I love you" can make your body shiver in the most amazing way. I never knew that becoming a mother would allow me to become more of myself and give me the opportunity to heal the deepest, darkest places. I never knew that my sweet little girl, whose name means "wisdom" would bring such harmony to Brian and I. Four years full of tears, sweat, mess, and pure joy. Happy Birthday, beautiful Sofia.

First Day

Luca started school last week. I have been waiting for this day for a long time because I have been dying for a bit of a break. When you have 3 kids, taking care of 1 is a huge break. I also have been longing for some one-on-one Nug time. He has been quite shafted in this family and has been stationed from day one. So the day finally came last week and he started out Sofia's amazing little school. I stayed with him the first day and it went as I expected. He is so incredibly comfortable there because he has spent so much time at school already. Our biggest challenge has been the potty training. Oh I love potty training. Sofia was a breeze, but this guy is quite challenging (such a surprise!). We started well o0ver a month ago and he still pees and poops all over the place. I feel like I have a puppy. I guess he is either not ready or is being his usual defiant self and is resisting our continuous requests. I knew he would have accidents at school and he did. He has now gone to school 3 days and has pooped in his pants each day. Thankfully the teachers are willing to work with him a bit and the parent teachers are so patient and understanding. I will absolutely die if he gets sent home. The first day I dropped him off, I went back to a quiet house since the Nug was sleeping and I cleaned and did laundry. When Silvio woke up, we went to Trader Joe's and took our time shopping. I got to sing songs to him and even talk to him! It was such a treat. As I expected, Luca loved going to school and didn't seem to mind being away from me at all. We just have this potty issue that I am hoping continues to improve as he sees other kids at school using it properly. I know that preschool is really going to help him understand how important it is to listen and possibly allow him a a great space to get out all of that kinetic energy he has. Sofia loves having her little brother at school and he feels safe knowing that his big sister is right inside. Luca is so social and has already begun to talk about "his friends." I am excited for this new chapter of his life and I am also selfishly thrilled to have some special time with my baby.

Giving Thanks

I began my Thanksgiving day with a wonderful Yoga class with Melissa. I could not think of a better way to give thanks than to be in a room full of people, chanting "Om," and breathing and moving together. Melissa brought me to this class a few weeks ago and it is amazing. She spoke so highly of this teacher, so I knew it would be as incredible as she said. Melissa and I have a wonderful connection, and this class has been such a great place for us to revel in our moving bodies in a way that is strengthening and celebratory. Thank you, Melissa. I have begun to realize over the last few months that I really need to be in my body more often. After performing with Lizette and teaching a weekly dance class to my students, I have a greater understanding of how much dance and movement feed me in the deepest way. Over the last few years, I have naturally been unable to dance as much (and move in a basic way for that matter. Although I did continue to choreograph throughout each of my three pregnancies, I have not danced for myself or taken many movement classes. I am beginning to feel free from pregnancy (we are done!) and I am beginning to reclaim my desire to move and breath and stretch and open. I am making a conscious effort to make time for my own movement in my life. Thankfully I have a supportive husband who is more than willing to watch the kids while I take a class. I am so grateful for his unconditional and endless support. I could not do this without him. I give thanks for my family...those three sweet children that each have an unique way of loving, laughing and giving to the world. I give thanks for so many gifts.

Simple moments

Sofia and Luca just started playing "I Spy" in the car. Sofia always begins with a very relevant, "I spy a red sign with letters" and we take turns noticing the things around us. Luca is hilarious because he cannot quite say any word that begins with an "s" and is followed by a consonant. So "spoon" is "foon" and "sponge" is fonge." So yesterday when Luca's turn came up in our game Luca would say "I fye a big, big truck with letters." Not only was I cracking up because he kept saying "i fye" but he kept repeating the same thing: "I fye a big, big black truck" and then it was "I fye a big, big red truck" (He really likes trucks). I loved playing the game with Sofia and Luca and I am coninually amazed at how Sofia is learning more and more concepts every day. The other day we had an outing "just the girls." She put on a special dress and then began to pack her purse for our trip. She had her wallet, sunglasses, a lucky stone, and Flounder from the Little Mermaid. As we left the house, she had her purse on her shoulder and looked at me, her eyes full of excitement and said, "Mommy, I have apurse just like you!" I just love having a little girl. Sofia loves to spend time with me and I remind myself to take in these sweet little moments because I know how quickly time passes and things change.
Sofia is such an emotional little girl and she can express herself so eloquently. The other night as soon as we put her down, she started to scream. Brian immediately rushed into the room and pulled her out. We both scolded her for her loud voice since Silvio was already asleep. She began to cry intensely and I realized in that moment that she felt badgered and scared. I ran over to her , scooped her up, and brought her to the couch. I cradled her in my arms and told her that she was safe and that we get upset when she uses a loud voice when Silvio is sleeping (she tends to speak very loudly these days). She looked at me with those huge brown eyes and said "I don't it when you yell at me Mommy and Daddy- it makes me very upset and scared. So please don't yell at me." I told her that we made a mistake and that we didn't mean to hurt her feelings. She then replied "Kids make mistakes and sometimes grown-ups make mistkes too. That's okay Mommy and Daddy, I still love you." Brian and I looked at each other, mouths open and eyes filled with tears. I felt so proud of her for being able to express her feelings in such a clear way. Sofia is an intuitive and perceptive child. The name Sofia means "wisdom." I never thought she would embrace her name in such a beautiful and splendid way.

And this too shall pass

I have heard from many parents that boys can be more difficult than girls but I never dreamed that it could be this intense every minute of the day. Luca is incredibly strong-willed, defiant, independent, and often devious. He has tantrums that are so filled with emotion and energy; he literally thrashes his body around and screams at the top of his lungs. And they last for a few minutes and often up to a half hour. I worry that he might hurt himself, or me. Luca has resorted to hitting, kicking, and spitting at us when he is in the throws of a tantrum. It is infuriating, exhausting, and frustrating. Some of our worst moments are in public when Luca growls at other children and then runs from any time I try to have a talk with him about his behavior. He sometimes runs from me on the street and those are my lowest moments where I feel powerless and responsible. I try to stay calm but it turns to yelling and he finds that hilarious. He has run into the street twice and I've never been so terrified in my life. That is not okay. Brian and I both find ourselves at a loss with Luca. I have never felt so defeated and so much like a failure. We try time-outs and taking things away, but nothing consistently works with him. We have even tried sticker charts and rewards to no avail. He fights us with every transition, every task of every day. I try not to take it personally when he lashes out because I know he is desperately trying to be understood. I sympathize with his placement in our family as the middle child and feel guilty that he has never had our undivided attention. More than anything, I feel like I naturally compare him to my compliant "pleaser" of a child, Sofia. She has moments of defiance but ultimately, she listens and loves to help us in any way she can. She also snuggles and loves on us every chance she gets which makes up for so much these days. Just tonight I tried to cuddle with Luca before bed and he suddenly moved and smacked me in the face and then kicked my head. I just wanted to cry. Why is this so hard? I have never felt this saddened by mothering. Luca is such an amazing child with a fierce sense of purpose and independence. He is a smart kid who will grow up to be a leader, full of hope and light. I try to hold on to what I believe will come because all of these qualities are those which any parent would only hope for in their child. For now, I hold on to the ever-so-famous quote, "and this too shall pass."

And then came Silvio

I have been so terrible lately at posting. I guess the Nastari-Case household has been busy. How could we not be with 3 small children? Anyway, I have been a bit worried about Silvio lately. You would think that by the third child, I would be incredibly relaxed about development. Oh no. Not when one is as neurotic as I. Of course, I am always comparing him to my other two children. Over the last week or so, I have begun to work on the video for 2007, so I have been looking at tons of video of Luca when he was the same age as Silvio. Luca was signing, crawling, pulling himself up, and gesturing. Silvio is scooching but not crawling and has not been incredibly communicative with us. So, I have been concerned about his development. Then the other day, we pulled out an old toy for Silvio that we had when Sofia was a baby. It is a silly toy that plays music when you successfully drop a ball into the elephant head (who thinks this stuff up anyway?). We showed him one time and he immediately grabbed the ball and dropped in into the hole. I thought that it was just a fluke, but he has continued to drop the ball into the head and then will look at us, waiting for us to dance to the music. So cute! Then the other day, Brian pulled out this racing ramp of Luca's and showed Silvio how to drop a car on the ramp. He immediately reached for a car and dropped it right onto the ramp. I went for our 9 month check-up and naturally, the pediatrician reassured me that he is definitely developing on an appropraite time line and she also reminded me that I can't compare him to our unusually verbal son, Luca. So true. Brian never once questioned Silvio's development but I feel responsible for him. We all know that mommy guilt does amazing things and makes us somewhat unreasonable at times. Since he is the third child, I often "station" him with a toy, so I always worry that it is my fault that he is not crawling, talking, or completing mathematical equations. Silvio is such an incredible baby and he is teaching me to be more patient and more understanding. He is taking in the world in his own special way and letting all of us know that we do things when we are ready. I know he is going to be an amazing child and I feel grateful to be able to watch him blossom, one scooch at a time.

Sugar Girl

Sofia loves everything sweet. She is incredibly picky with all other food, but she will always eat a cupcake, chocolate, candy, or ice cream. My dear friend Kristen's daughter, Annika is just the same. One time while we were over Kristen's, I heard Annika say " I'm a sugar girl!" Kristen and I just laughed and I asked Sofia, "are you my sugar girl?" and she squealed "yes!" So I have been calling Sofia a sugar girl since that day and it could not be more true. If she hears the word cupcake, her eyes light up and she begins to jump up and down. At least I have some bargaining power when I need it! We try not to have any sweets in the house, but I can always get her to do something if there is a treat involved. One time a while back my sister offered her some chocolate and Sofia gobbled it up. Now, every time we go to my sister's house, Sofia immediately says, "Aunite Steffie, I think that there might be some chocolate for me, son't you?" My sister and I always giggle and Sofia always gets a piece of chocolate. When she eats her sugar, she goes into another place as if she is in total extasy. I only wish I could get her to feel the same way about any vegetable! We have to resort to spelling anything that Sofia might just hear from across the house. You would be amazed at how well she can hear the word, "cake." That is my little sugar girl.

Growing Up

The Schnug is growing up. I guess that's what happens to our babies. With Silvio, I am trying desperately to hold on to every single snuggle, hand squeeze, and squeal because he is our baby. When Sofia was a baby, I was learning the ropes of motherhood, trying to figure out how to take care of a little being. Just when I was getting used to being a "mommy" I found out I was pregnant with Luca. Luca was born when Sofia was only 14 months old, so I had two babies. I felt like we were just trying to get through the days with the two so close together. Then there came number three. The night before I found out I was pregnant with Silvio, Brian and I went out to dinner at our favorite restaurant. Over a bottle of wine and amazing food, we talked about how we both felt like we wanted to have a third child. The next morning I woke up with a strange feeling that I might be pregnant. Two minutes later, a second stripe appeared. There you go; put it out there in the universe and it comes back. We still don't completely understand how I got pregnant. I just know that his soul was waiting to grace our family. I am truly taking it all in. I know how to be a mom and I am familiar with all of the ins and outs of taking care of a baby, so now I can just eat it all up. I am trying to be conscious of all the tiny changes that Silvio encounters. He is constantly moving forward and continuing to become more and more independent. The other day, he reached for his bottle as I was feeding him, and held on with both hands. I sat there useless as my little Schnug fed himself. I felt a bit emotional, since that time has always been so precious, so sweet and now he is wanting to hold the bottle himself. I was merely a soft lap for support. He is feeding himself all sorts of food including pears, crackers, pasta, banana, and peas. Silvio loves to eat (evident in the immense amount of chunk on his tiny body) and thoroughly enjoys the ability to feed himself. It is amazing to watch him become increasingly less dependent on us. It is bittersweet to see my little baby, my Shnugums, growing up. This is life.

Planetaria

Sofia loves to make a "planetaria." I don't know where she got the idea to start to arrange her things and create a special space. She sometimes calls it her "planet" but mostly uses this word that is a cross between planetarium and planet. She will lay a blanket down and neatly fold other blankets over and then places her special things on the blanket. She often will uses a chair or table to definite the space. Sofia spends hours arranging and rearranging her tiny stones, bracelets, pennies, chapsticks (she calls them "lipsticks"), candles, and various other treasures. She usually is wearing her crown, a few necklaces, and some other various adornments. She must always accessorize ( that is definitely not from me!). When she feels like she has her things in the perfect place she will find me and say, "mom you have to come into my Planetaria!" She tells me that this is a "special planetaria, just for the girls." She will then begin to explain which treasures I am allowed to touch and which I must leave alone. Sofia is very specific about her things and likes everything to be in order. I wonder where she gets that from. I love how she is creating space, using her imagination and her things. Sofia amazes me with her incredible attention to detail. She truly takes the time to make sure everything is just perfect and has an detailed explanation for why she out each thing in its place. Sometimes I wish I could escape to her planetaria.

Sweet Nothings

Just yesterday, Luca and I were nuzzling while he was eating. He thought it was a game, but I was really trying to get all of the snuggles I could get. I think that might be what gets me through my days: the kisses and hugs and nuzzles from these 3 children. Sofia is the most lovey child and is always happy to give me a squeeze whenever I ask for one. Thank God. She loves affection and even curls herself up in my arms as if she were a baby. She lets me kiss her neck and hold her tight. She is my love child. Silvio has even begun to play a snuggle game with Brian. Every morning, I wake Brian up by putting Silvio on the bed next to him. Brian puts his head on Silvio's lap and Silvio then leans into him and screeches. It is ridiculously cute. Of course, I had to get in on the Schnug love, so I now will lay next to him and he will giggle and lean over me. He is so sweet and I am milking every single snuggle opportunity out of his helplessness. Then there is my sweet middle child. It is incredibly difficult to get Luca to give a hug. If I ask him directly, he runs in the other direction. So I am constantly trying to play some sort of game with him where I can sneak in a hug or a snuggle. He does give hugs and kisses when he feels like it, but he won't necessarily give love when asked. So, during our nuzzling "game" yesterday, we were rubbing noses and I then went in for a neck kiss. Luca leaned into me and whispered, "I love you, Mommy." Brian was sitting next to us and we immediately looked at each other. As I responded to Luca, my eyes filled. I think that was the sweetest nothing that has ever been whispered to me.

Listening

We went 8 days without the binky. I tend to be somewhat extreme with decisions like this and tow the hard line. So once we gave up the binky, I thought that we could just plow through and Luca would eventually move beyond. Well, the naps have been a huge battle. It is has been horrible. Lots of taking things away, time outs, and yelling. Luca is a tough kid and does not make discipline simple. I realized that the binky is a sleep cue for him; that it settles him. Without the binky, he has been manic, running around, growling, and gong through all of our things on our dressers. He dumped everything out of my jewelry box and then broke a piece of it. The last few days, I have been feeling like this is not worth it. I just thought that after a week or so, Luca would be used to life without the binkies, but in actuality, it has only become worse. He is more sleep deprived than ever because he has not napped in 8 days and has not made up for any of the sleep at night. Today, Luca was particularly upset when I put him down for his nap. He was wailing and was inconsolable. I felt like this was torture and began to wonder why we were doing this to him right now. Maybe he is not ready to let go of the binky. Maybe I'm not ready either. Sometimes, I get caught between doing what we are "supposed" to do according to pediatricians, books, and the general population of mothers and doing what is right for the child. Today, I felt like I was infringing pain on my child. Luca was so incredibly sad and I knew that a tiny piece of plastic was just the thing that could turn him around. I called our pediatrician's office and spoke with the Nurse who is awesome. She tends to be a bit more on the organic side of parenting and affirmed everything that I was feeling. She did recommend to limit his use of the binky which I thought was a great idea. I was running downstairs as we were getting of the phone to the bin of old bottles and binkies. I pulled out the orange binky (Luca's favorite) and washed it so that it would squeak (he loves that). I ran into his room and held it up. He immediately smiled and said with pure joy "my binky!" He put it in his mouth and before I closed the door he was sucking furiously and almost asleep. Complete affirmation. As a mother, I am constantly making decisions for these three little beings. Of course, I try to balance advice from the doctor, what I hear from others and read, and my own intuition. Today, Luca's sorrow was palpable and I knew that I could fix it so easily. If only all of my kid's problems were that simple. At least I know that listening might just be enough sometimes.

Bye Bye Binky

For some insane reason the other day, I told Luca that I would throw out his binkies if he could not stay in his time out. Brian scowled at me from across the room and I knew in that moment that I had made a huge mistake. Of course, he ignored my threat and I was forced to throw his binkies away. Unfortunately, half of discipline is following through so the binkies went into the trash. So we decided to dive in. We knew that this 3rd birthday was the impending day of loosing the bink (not good for his teeth), but we weren't quite ready for the withdrawl this soon. If there were some sort of "Binkies Annonymous," Luca would lead the chapter. He not only sucks on the bink to fall asleep, he plays with them as if they are stuffed animals. He cherishes his binkies, places them delicately in his trucks and cars and drives them around. So the immediacy of the loss sent him into a horrible place. At bedtime, Brian continued to comfort him through his continuous whining, "I need my binkies." He soon fell asleep and we were thrilled. We knew it could not possibly be that easy. we were right. The next day at nap time the whining began and soon he was hysterical, screaming about his binkies. We took turns helping him through it and he fell asleep after about 20 trips into the room and 2 hours. This has continued for the last 4 days and it has been brutal. Today, I was tempted to give in because I am desparate for a break from his withdrawl. Luca has always been a consistent napper and he now is fighting his sleep with a newly discovered enthusiasm. I realize that the binky is his major sleep cue and now he does not know how to calm himself and fall asleep on his own. I knew that this would be hard but I never imagined that it would be so intense and so grueling. I am also a bit nostalgic for the image of my little Luca with the bink in his mouth. It was such a part of his comforting throught his life. My little boy is growing up and we both are learning to let go. Apparently I was a "nuky" girl as well, so I have always had this special connection to Luca's love for the pacifier. I know that he will get through all of this soon enough. I'll remmber all of those nights when I would check on Luca and he was sleeping peacefully and all I could hear was that sucking sound. As gross as it may sound, I will even cherish the smell of saliva in his neck from all of the slobbering while sucking on that thing. Those sounds and smells of my baby boy who is growing up faster than I know.

Love Letters

My sweet little girl. After quite a few tearful partings, Sofia is beginning to blow kisses and wave when I leave school. We now have a routine where she follows me to the gate and gives me a kiss through a heart-shaped opening and then she climbs up the ladder that overlooks the fence and blows me lots of kisses and waves as I walk down the street. It is blissful. So much love coming from that little girl. When she does begin to miss us, she lets one of her teachers know and one of them will sit with her while she dictates a note to us. It goes something like this : "Dear Mommy and Daddy, My Mommy is the best. She is my best friend. And Daddy is the best too. I love Luca and Silvio. I love my Mommy and Daddy so much. Love Sofia." She writes a few every day and each is full of praises and love for her family. Sofia is such an amazing little girl, who loves to share herself. She has always been incredibly expressive, but I feel like she has begun to understand what love feels like. She will tell me she loves me at any given moment and does the same to her brothers. She constantly says, "mommy, you're my best friend" or "Mommy, you are my favorite." I know. So sweet. Sofia is just full of love to give and share. She is also incredibly affectionate, snuggling into my arms every chance she gets. She loves to give squeezes and needs lots of hugs and kisses throughout the day. I could live in that little girl's arms. I try to revel in every single second because I know these moments are fleeting. There will come the day that she does not want to hold my hand, refuses to hug me, and is silent when I tell her I love her. For now, I will take every single hug, squeeze, kiss, snuggle, and "you're the best" I can get. I am enjoying every Mommy love letter, trying desperately to hold on to my little girl who loves Mommy so much. She is growing up so fast, but she will always be my sweet Sofia, "my favorite little girl in the whole wide world."

Dress Up

Sofia and Luca love to play dress up. Most of the dress up clothes that we have are princess dresses and fairy wings. Luca likes to be just like his big sister so he sometimes wants to put on a dress "just like Sofia." He really likes this dress and constantly tells us that it is actually his and not Sofia's. Of course, he has to put on his tool belt, hold his lovie, and suck on his binky. We need to start thinking about how we are going to get rid of the pacifier, but I truly can't imagine Luca without it. I think it completes his outfit. Luca's smile about tells it all He really is that mischevious, even in a dress.

Big Sister

Sofia adores her little brother. She tells almost everyone we meet, "this is my baby, Silvio." She has always referred to him as her baby and has tried to be a little mommy to him. Sofia has loved him since the day he was born, giving him tons of hugs and kisses. She gives him toys, reads him books, and has even tried to pick him up. Recently, she has wanted to help feed him. She sits on my lap, or Brian's and hold the bottle. usually she giggles and says "I'm feeding Silvio...I love feeding him!" She is the sweetest big sister to both of her brothers. She often dictates a note a school to one of her teachers and she always says, "I love my Mommy and my Daddy. I also love Luca and my baby brother, Silvio." Of course, Silvio absolutely loves his sister and will watch her from across the room. Sofia is always running up to Silvio and snuggling into him, as she says "my Silvio, my Schnugums!" I love that she not only is incredibly affectionate with both of them but she also verbally expresses her love for them. She is such a caring and loving little girl. I know that she will continue to be the little mommy of the family. Not to say that she does not fight with Luca, but she also takes the time to tell him that she loves him and that he is her friend. Whenever I hear her say to Luca "you are my best friend, Luca" I just melt. Nothing makes a mother happier than to see her children expressing love to each other.

No longer a toothless smile

Silvio's first two teeth finally came in about two weeks ago after a lot of drool and blowing bubbles. He is so cute with his new teeth. I can't say I don't miss the toothless grins but alas, he must grow up. Just yesterday, Brian and I were talking about how we would love to freeze Silvio. He is so cuddly, smiley, giggly, and completely full of sweetness. The other morning I woke up at 5:00 AM to Silvio screaming. Brian was snoring a few feet from him...I don't get that at all. Anyway, I rushed to him and picked him up. He immediately stopped crying, reached up and gently touched my face, and said "ah, da, da." I smiled and talked to him while he continued to grab my face. He was looking straight into my eyes and babbling. It is hard to describe exactly how I feel in that moment; my body tingles, my heart pounds, and my eyes fill with tears. It is pure joy. Pure love. I feel more connected to a deep source of love that surrounds us. It didn't matter that I was groggy and tired, I was there with Silvio in that moment, sharing a most amazing moment of connection. There is somethig so soulful about Silvio; it's as if he understands something greater than me. He has always had this way of looking into my eyes in a deep way and communicating with me. Kristen and I talked about this little guy yesterday and she agrees that there is something extraordinary about Silvio. Maybe it's that he is my baby, but I know that he has completed my family in the most perfect way. And I know that he will only continue to give love in more ways than I can imagine. That is my Schnugums.

Tears

Sofia just started school last week (this is a picture of her on her first day back). Although she is still at Miraloma, she is now in the morning program so she has new teachers and new kids. Sofia was very attached to her teachers and her friend, Molly. She has not connected with any of the kids yet and still complains about going to school. This started a few months ago and I was hoping that maybe going to school in the morning versus the afternoon would help since she has much more energy at the beginning of the day. Although she get through her sadness a bit faster, she still is very unhappy at school. She spends a lot of time being sad and crying. Sometimes, I feel like I am torturing her by keeping her at school. I know this is a process but she has been going to school for over a year. She actually did much better last year. Sofia is such an incredibly sensitive child and takes in so much emotion that surrounds her.
Yesterday, we went over to my sister's housein the afternoon so that I could look at her wedding photos. We were in the back bedroom and heard the microwave go on. Stef ran into the kitchen but didn't think anything of it. Then we heard Luca began to scream. We both ran in to find his train and his monkey on fire in the microwave. Stef immediately ran to the sink and filled a glass of water and put out the fire. There was smoke everywhere and the kids were hysterical. They were terrified because they could feel how panicked we both were. It took us a while to calm them down. Luca could not stop saying "my lovie and my train are ruined." He must of said it 50 times meanwhile Sofia had a continual monologue about the fire, her feeling of shear terror and how sad she was. After 10 minutes of this, I tried to tell both of them to clam down and that we were all okay. Sofia then went on to say "mom, I just can't stop thinking about this, I can't." My sister and looked at each other and had a laugh. Sofia is obviously related to us. Apples. She continued to talk about the microwave incident the rest of the night. This morning I warned her teacher that she might talk about the microwave incident at some point today. Sure enough, when I picked her up, there was a note in my box that she had dictated to her teacher about the fire and how she "never wants to go to Auntie Steffie's house again." I think the intensity of my emotion just overwhelmed her and she is till reeling from that moment. Sofia is so incredibly in tune with any emotion that surrounds her. She can be so intuitive and self-aware for an almost 4-year-old which sometimes floors me. Brian and I both know how important it is for us to make her feel safe and to give her the space to express herself and talk about her feelings. She definitely has lots of tears but hopefully we help her to understand where they come from and how to move beyond.

Tales from the ER

Silvio woke up Friday morning with a fever. He was terribly miserable so I immediately called the doctor and made an appointment for that morning. He was quickly diagnosed with Hand, Foot, Mouth Disease once the doctor saw the horrible sores in his mouth. I knew about this weird virus because Sofia had it a few months ago. She also had sores in her mouth and did not want to eat or drink much for a few days. Other than that, she was fairly happy and healthy. Silvio, on the other hand, was a fussy mess. I could not get him to drink anything. As the day and night passed, he was not any better, even with around the clock Motrin. By Saturday afternoon, I began to get worried. He had had about 4 ounces in 24 hours and had only two barely wet diapers. Not a good sign. I decided to call the Urgent Care Clinic and she advised me to go in. At 8:00 pm on a warm Saturday night, I was pacing back in forth in a patient room with a very sad Silvio. The doctor noticed how miserable he was and began to check him. Once he looked in his ear, he diagnosed him with a bilateral ear infection. So this poor child not only had a mouth full of sores, but both of his ears were terribly infected. Well, it was no wonder he was not eating. The doctor went on to tell me how serious this is and that we were to force him to drink a teaspoon of Pedialyte every ten minutes all night. He told me that if he had had a fever, he would have sent us immediately to the ER. Okay, now I am somewhat in panic mode. We rushed to pharmacy to fill a prescription for the antibiotic and went home. Silvio was exhausted and feel asleep as soon as we got home. We let him sleep for a half hour and then woke him for his teaspoon of fluid. This was going to be awful. I began to worry. Brian and I then decided that is we were going to do this crazy regime all night, then we might as well be in the ER. It was then decided that I should just take him in. I packed a few things and tranferred a tired and weak Silvio to his carseat and off we went.
We got to the ER at 10:45 and registered. I noticed the room full of people, but thought that maybe we would be see within an hour. An hour passed and then another, and I began to panic. The group of drunk people began to annoy me. A few of them were there because a girl was bitten by a rat. They had killed the rat and had it in a clear plastic bag. Gross. Not only were they parading the rat around the ER waiting room, they would not stop making jokes about the rat, none of which were remotely funny. Some of the other folks were there because a guy cut his toes open. They were cracking jokes about discount pedicures. Again, they were not funny. All of this people were chatting loudly for over two hours. Needless to say, I found none of it amusing. Rather I found their loud conversation to be utterly obnoxious in a room full of people waiting to see a doctor. They even joked about going in before us, and I about lost it. I had a sick baby who would sleep for a few minutes and then suddenly would wake up screaming. Do you think they could have had some respect? None. Anyway, they only made this whole experience even harder than it already was. At one point, I broke down crying to Brian about how terrible our health care system is. I was a mess.
Finally after two and a half hours, they called us in so that we could wait another half hour to see the doctor. After looking at him for a minute, she tried to convince me that we should feed him. Yeah right. I had been trying to feed him for over a day and she thought that he was going to eat in this crazy place at 3:00 AM. After a moment of shoving a bottle in his mouth, she agreed to give him IV fluids. A nurse came in a few minutes later to start the IV. I asked him sternly if he had done many of these on babies. "Of course" he said firmly. Well, I was not about to let any amateur go poking around my chubby little babies arms. So it is incredibly difficult to even see a vein in Silvio's chubby arms and legs. My heart was racing. How was this gong to work? He finally found a vein in his foot and he went for it. I held Silvio's arms so that he would not flail. He looked at me intently and screamed bloody murder as if saying "how could you do this to me?" My heart was breaking into a million pieces. I want to protect him from all of this; from every bit of pain in this world. I guess that is part of being a mother- having this fundamental desire to keep your child from experiencing any pain. To make it worse, he could not find the vein after poking around and had to try the other foot. He finally found a vein and I breathed a sigh of relief. Silvio calmed down qiuckly and fell back to sleep. I layed down next to him and we napped for a while. It was so sweet to snuggle with the Nug. I was brought back to his birth and our first moments together. I reveled every second of that hour, taking in his sweet smell and rubbing his soft belly. Although it was so sweet to have this snuggle time, I wanted it under other circumstances. I just wanted to get through this. At about 5:00 AM, the doctor came in and took out the IV and told us we could go home. I gathered our things and we were home by 6AM. Silvio went straight to sleep since his poor body was exhausted from the long and grueling night. I was too. I went to bed and about 2 minutes later, I heard Luca's footsteps down the hall. Oh, the life of a mom.
After a few hours of rest, we still felt like Silvio was not himself. We hadn't seen him smile for days and he was beginning to look a bit listless. I called the advice line yet again, and she recommended that we head back to the ER. This time Brian came with me and we were seen within 20 minutes. He was cleared to go home with some new advice for medication. Later that afternoon, he took a bottle of formula and I had tears. I was so happy to see him on the road to recovery. I was so deeply worried about him. I felt like I was in crisis mode for a few days. All of my energy was focused on taking care of my baby. The Nug is about 95% himself as of today. He is smiling and babbling. I feel so incredibly grateful that he is better. Each smile just brings me an overwhelming amount of joy. It was only a few days of a very sick Silvio, but it was so intense. I thought of all of the parents of very sick children whose hearts must ache. I feel like this experience has deepened my understanding of being a mother. I have never felt such deep concern and such an intense desire to shield another being from any suffering. At the same time, I felt empowered by such great love. My children are only teaching me to love more fiercely and more deeply. These little beings come into our to only to change us in such dramatic ways and to help us understand the purity of joy and the depth of love. I'm not saying being a mother is easy in any way, but it sure is amazing. Thank you Sofia, Luca, and Silvio.

Rare Moment

It is extremely difficult to get all three children to hold still for even a split second, so we have very few pictures of all three together. Luca is the most difficult, wiggling and thrashing around. Gotta love boys. Silvio loves to stare at the camera, so we can take lots of great pictures of him. Sofia makes funny faces and often looks away. I caught all of three of them on our last day in Tahoe. I wanted to get a shot of the boys in their soccer shirts. I must say, I do love to dress those two the same every so often. It is just so cute and sweet. Luca does not quite realize that he has another companion in Silvio. Although one day about a month ago, we out a cute hat on Silvio and Luca looked at him and said, "he's going to play baseball with me!" He was so excited. Of course, Brian and I looked at each other and had to hold ourselves back from tearing. In that moment, Luca realized for the first time that Silvio was not going to be a baby forever and that he would be able to play with him some day. There is something so incredibly special about brothers, not that I have any experience in my life. I think that boys can have an amazing bond without any of the drama that girls sometimes have. Brian and I always talk about how awesome it will be to watch Luca and Silvio grow into this relationship as brothers. We often wonder how Sofia will fare as the boys grow closer, but we know that Sofia revels in her "girlness" and has no problem being the special girl in the family. I sometimes wonder why Brian and I both felt like we wanted a girl with Silvio. Not that we were disappointed in any way when we found out we were pregnant with a boy. I know that our family is perfect the way it is. I look at this picture and feel so grateful for these three special beings. I still can't quite believe it myself, that they are all mine. I am so blessed.

Paderino

Actually it's "padrino" which is Italian for Godfather. Around our house Prospero is Sofia's "padrino" and she only recently began saying it properly. It once was "paderino" which I find endearing. I have known Prospero since 1992, so we have a long history of friendship. He is more like family than a friend, especially since he has become a "padrino" to our sweet Sofia. The last few years, I have began to appreciate our relationship in a new way because he has embraced our children as his own. Not only have he and Brian become best friends, but he has become more like a brother to me. Whenever Sofia and Luca see him, they scream "padrino!" and run around in excitement. Needless to say, they love spending time with him. Prospero has joined us on a few vacations, including our trip to Italy in 2006 and our most recent trip to Lake Tahoe. Of course Brian and I love the company, and it's also nice to have an extra set of arms around! He even babysat for us on my birthday as a surprise so that Brian could take me out to dinner. I am so grateful for our Padrino and our friend. He has become such an important part of our family. It's just amazing to think we met on the corner of Masonic and Turk in 1992 because my he was a friend of my boyfriend at the time. He we are 16 years later, still friends and a "paderino" to our children. Pretty darn amazing.

Mama's Boy

We all know that I have it bad for Silvio. There is something about these sons of mine that just about melts my heart any time of day. Not that I do not feel the same way for Sofia, but she and I have a unique connection that only girls can experience. I will save that for another post. When I was first pregnant with Silvio, I went to see my Reiki Master, Kirsten. I was excited to see her because I wanted her take on the little being growing in my body. I had felt a lot of feminine energy, but it did not quite feel like a girl, so I was very confused. Kirsten first asked me what I thought I was having, and I told her about this mixed message I was experiencing, and she laughed and said "Oh, well, it's a boy with a lot of feminine energy." Of course. She went on to talk about his amazing soul and that he was a special individual that would change my family and bring more balance. She also said that he would definitely be my "mama's boy." Not that Luca does not love me, but I would never call him a "mama's boy." Rather, he is more enamored with Daddy and other men. So when Kirsten shared her insight, I felt a little tingle and felt even more connected to the little soul growing, who we would name Silvio. The first few months were rough, and I had a difficult time connecting with Kirsten's insight. Silvio was in pain and cried so much that I felt like he could not express his true spirit. I knew it was there, but I was exhausted and preoccupied with the other kids, so I too had a hard time feeling our special connection. Now that Silvio is six months old and is quite the smiley, happy guy I completely understand the whole "mama's boy" thing. He melts me at any time of the day. My dear friend Kristen adores Silvio and she and I agreed the other day that he got something truly amazing about him. (Hopefully she will have a baby soon...but until then she gets to enjoy mine!). I am reveling in our extraordinary connection and feel truly grateful that he came into our lives. I know that his spirit entered this world at such a crazy time in my life, but he was meant to change me and he has. I feel like he has softened me in such a unique way and definitely created more spiritual balance in our home. I look forward to the continual exploration of love, joy, and spirit with my little Silvio.

Surrounding

Although our Lake Tahoe vacation was different from what we expected, it was so nice to be out of the city and in such an incredible natural setting. The day we went to the pond, while the kids were out on a raft with Brian and Prospero, I was able to hang out with the Nug, take some great pictures of him, and breath in the beautiful surroundings. I had a chance to take a short run which allowed me some alone time and some space. Although it was very hot and I was incredibly unaccustomed to the altitude, I thoroughly enjoyed the space to take it all in. I know that we will be back there some time, maybe when the kids are a bit older. I know that Sofia and Luca had a wonderful time and still talk about their "Lake Tahoe vacation." Just yedterday, Sofia became very sad when we told her that she wouldn't be going swimming in the Lake any time soon. I told her that we would go back some time later. And we will.

Trip, not quite a vacation

So we planned a week-long trip to Lake Tahoe a few months ago. Sofia has been talking about her "vacation in Lake Tahoe" for about a month now. She was telling a man that worked at Trader Joe's the other day all about our trip and proceeded to tell him that he had a "vacation shirt" on. I had to laugh; I was amazed that she recognized a Hawaiian shirt and associated that type of shirt with vacations. Awesome. So here we are after weeks of preparing. It sure does take a ton of planning (and a minivan) to get a family of five up to the mountains. You should have seen the car, full of stuff, kids, and equipped with DVD players, thankfully. We made it up after one quick stop at In-n-Out (Brian had to have it) and a few movies. The kids were thrilled to see our "vacation house" and were running around screaming. The house is about 4 times the size of our own, so you could only imagine the excitement.
The "trip" began without a hitch, as we joined our friends Daniela and Roberto (and the rest of La Famiglia Italiana) at the pool near their condo in Incline Village. Seriously, there were about twelve people there, all related and grew up in my neighborhood. They are extremely welcoming and the kids love to play together. And we love that the kids names are as follows: Chiara, Giovanna, Santino, Giovanni, Rosella, and of course, Sofia, Luca, and Silvio. We definitely felt right at home. The kids had a blast and Brian and I took turns in the pool with Sofia and Luca. The next day, we ventured to the beach because Sofia was constantly asking about "the Lake Tahoe" and could not stop talking about swimming in the lake. We packed our four bags, tent, sand toys, and swim gear and headed out. This was a disaster. The Nug did not like the heat and I could not seem to find an inch of space without sand, so we had to hold him. Sofia did not like the "messy, wet sand" and thought the water was too cold (um, did I mention that she is a bit particular?). Luca was of course, having a great time. Within a half hour Brian wanted to leave, and I felt exactly the same. Okay, so check the beach off the list. As we drove by the Truckee River everyday, we saw so many people floating down the river in their inner tubes or boats. We wanted to be on one of those rafts, but we could not go with three small children. At that point we felt a bit defeated. Thankfully our dear friend Prospero was coming up to join us for a few days. The kids love their "padrino" (Italian for godfather) and were jumping up and down as soon as he arrived. We were grateful to have another set of hands to help us. At least we weren't outnumbered. We headed out for a pony ride that afternoon and the kids loved it. They were in awe of the horses, as they had never been that close to a horse before. The next day we went to the local pond and had a great time. Sofia called it "the small Lake Tahoe." It was much more manageable with much less sand. Brian, Prospero, Sofia, and Luca even took a ride on a wood raft that was there and the kids weren't even tempted to jump off. I happily sat with Silvio in the shade of a tree on the grass. He sat there sweetly and played with ball and a horse. It was a successful activity. Okay, we felt like we could do this vacation thing. Then later that night we ate bad chicken and the next morning Brian and I were hit with an awful bout of food poisoning. Brian had it worse than me and spent the morning in the bathroom. It was terrible. When he was actually able to talk midday, he simply said, "I just want to go home." So we spent the next two hours hurriedly packing and cleaning. And we were out of there.
A mom at Sofia school once said when speaking of her upcoming vacation that when you travel with your family it is more like a trip then a vacation. I laughed. Now, that definitely rings true. It was nice to get away, but it was also very hard. It took weeks of planning and days of packing just to simply get our family out of our home. With three small children, I think I appreciate home and all of the comforts that come with it. We had some great moments, but it was definitely more of a "trip" than a vacation. Sofia and Luca had a great time, so I would call it a success. And we got some great pictures!

Raspberry Hands

Sofia does not eat much but loves raspberries. One day, she began to put raspberries on each of her fingers, just like one would do with olives. She loves to fill one hand, giggles, and screams, "I have a raspberry hand!" Yesterday she managed to fill all of her fingers and she was so proud of herself. We had to capture the moment. Sofia continues to catch us off guard with her interesting observations and questions. She recently has taken to asking a million "why" questions, half of which I have a hard time answering. This morning she asked me if there were sharks in Lake Tahoe (we are on vacation) and I said "oh, no honey." She promptly replied, "mommy, why aren't there any sharks in Lake Tahoe, but there are sharks in the ocean?" I paused. Uh oh. I fumbled and then responded, "well, because sharks live in salt water..." and immediately looked at Brian with a look of uncertainty. Brian of course, reminded me that there indeed were freshwater sharks, so I had to tell Sofia, "sharks don't like to live in Lake Tahoe because it is too cold." I still do not know that exact reason. She asked me the other day, "why does the moon only come out at night?" I luckily knew the answer to that one. I am definitely going to learn a lot from trying to answer her questions. Not only do I continue to learn so much about myself in this crazy journey called "parenting", now I need to study some physics, marine biology, chemistry, geology, astronomy, and maybe bioengineering. Phew, I am going to be one, well-educated mama in a few years.

Time Flies (Sort of)

Silvio is now six months old. He is such a big boy, weighing 20 pounds and giving his parents so much chub to nuzzle. He is also such an incredibly sweet little baby, extremely aware of his environment. The Nug makes lots of darling noises, such as "ah-ba" and "ah-ooh" that always give me a tingle. He is rolling like a champ and recently has mastered the art of sitting up which all moms know is so convenient! In some ways, I cannot believe he is six months old and in other ways, it seems like a lifetime since his birth. It was a rough start and I feel like sometimes, I am still recovering from the first few months. There was a lot of screaming and a lot of exhaustion, but we have come out the other side with an incredibly happy and smiley little guy who warms our hearts in more ways than we could have dreamed of. I am so grateful for this special spirit every moment, even when it is difficult and intense. I could not imagine our family without the Nug.
Anyway, on the day that Silvio was exactly six months, I decided it would be fun to bake a cake (from the box- I'm not that domestic) with the kids. Sofia and Luca each cracked an egg and took turns mixing the batter. I then let them try the batter and they loved it, of course. They were thrilled to make a cake for Silvio. Well, I think that they were more excited to eat it. They kept asking me when the cake would be ready and I told them to wait for the "beep" so when it finally sounded they broke into cheer. After I decorated it (a little too soon, as you can tell from the pictures) Nonno, Sofia, Luca, and I ate cake. Sorry Silvio, you have to wait another six months.

They May Say

I am a stickler for the schedule. I always have been and I always will be. I am so tired of everybody telling me to "relax" and that it is no big deal to let my kids stay up late. So today I tried the "laid back" approach and it was miserable. We went to my cousin Patti's annual wine tasting party in San Anselmo. It is a lovely event with lots of wine and an amazing spread of food. What could be better? We woke the kids up from their naps and headed out the door by 2:45. We had plenty of time to mingle and chat, sort of. Well, when you have three kids, there isn't much chatting for more than few minutes. The kids were having fun with the help of my cousin's 5-year-old daughter (Sofia's entertainment) and a little dog (Luca's entertainment). We were taking turns holding Silvio and sipping wine. I started to get a bit anxious around 6:00 since we weren't done with the wine tasting and dinner was yet to be served. I knew we had a 45 minute drive to get home, so I began to watch the clock. At around 6:30, I told Brian that I felt like we should just leave because we had to get the kids home for bed. Our kids eat around 5:45-6, head to bath around 6:15 or so, and then head to their room for books and bedtime. We walk out of their room around 7:15 and hope that we don't go in too many times. Our kids are early risers, no matter what time they go to bed, so I am neurotic about getting them to bed on time. Otherwise, I have incredibly cranky children the next day and that is no fun for anyone. Anyway, Brian really wanted to eat and I don't blame him since the smell of the sugo (pasta sauce) and the grilled steak permeated the air. The table was slowly being filled with grilled vegetables, antipasto, plates of prosciutto and salami, heirloom tomatoes, insalata di farro (my contribution), olives, grilled chicken, sausage and beef. Need I say more? I reluctantly agreed to stay and we waited until all of the dinner was served. That was around 7:15 and I told Brian that we were to eat and run. Of course, Luca shoveled down some food and took off, so I was left to do the same. I never sit down to eat. I don't get much pleasure out of eating these dyas, since I am not able to actually sit down and enjoy the food on my plate. Brian told me today, "well, that is your choice." But I explained later in the car, that if we were both to sit down and eat, then the kids would be left to run rampant. Luca was exhausted and was becoming a bit clumsy, so I knew I had to watch him like a hawk on the wide stairs that surrounded the deck. I barely finished my plate and I was urging Brian to do the same so we could jam out of there. I don't know why I thought that Sofia would forget about the "sprinkle cake" that was in the other room. She is a sugar queen and never lets anyone forget there is a cookie, cake, cupcake, or even a crumb in the near vicinity. So we had to let them each have a small piece of cake before we left so as to avoid complete meltdowns for the entire length of our drive home. Thank God we had a trial run of our new DVD players in the car (for our upcoming trip to Lake Tahoe). The kids were thrilled to know that Wallace and Grommit was awaiting them in the car. Needless to say, they were motionless the whole ride home, but Silvio was another story. He was exhausted and hungry and was near a breakdown all the way home. Mothers cannot stand the sound of their little baby crying. So I was a complete mess. I explained to Brian that I do not like doing this and want to make sure we honor their schedule because "this is not fun for me." I explained how stressful it is to be in that situation. When our kids are older, I think we will be able to relax a bit and let the kids stay up late. But the kids were starting to lose it and all so that I could shovel down some amazing food and not taste a darn thing. They may say that I should just "relax" but I am going to stick with my scheduled self. Besides, I like putting them to sleep on time so that I can truly relax. Now, I am finally sipping a glass of wine and I am actaully enjoying it.

'Round and 'Round

Sofia and Luca love the carousel, so we go around and around on a "horsie" often. Last week, I took all the kids downtown so that we could see Brian's new office. I think the entire building heard us as soon as we walked in. My children aren't the quietest children in the world. Brian had told them that they could write on the walls, so they were asking for the special markers within minutes. His new office has huge walls of dry-erase board, so the kids went crazy drawing. Sofia drew a Were-Rabbit because her and Luca are in love with a new video: "Wallace and Grommit and the curse of the Were-Rabbit." It is pretty silly stuff that I highly reccommend. Luca just scribbled but insisted that he was writing his name. After a few minutes, I began to feel anxious, knowing that many of Brian's colleagues were working right down the hall. They didn't seem incredibly interested in our children, so I assumed that they wouldn't be incredibly understanding about the level of noise they were making right outside their offices.
Well, we soon left and Brian escaped for a bit to go on the carousel (yet again) with the kids. This time, we went to the Zeum carousel which has no kitty cats, highly disappointing to our little girl. She got over it quickly and chose a horse with pink and blue sparkly gems (surprise). Luca wanted to ride on a giraffe. I love this carousel because it is originally from the Playland at the beach which closed years ago. My mom talked about going to playland when she was growing up, so I like to think that maybe Sofia or Luca is riding on a horse that my mother once was on. I love that about living in San Francisco. We have only been back here a year, and I feel like I am still adjusting to life in the city. I have such history here which Brian really loves since he grew up in so many places. We feel settled here and know that our children will grow up in the city just like I did. I have so many memories as a child in various places throughout the city and I get to share those moments, those connections with my children. Pretty awesome. So many people in the East Bay would talk about how "un-kid-friendly" San Francisco could be, and I could not disagree more. I feel like there are so many wonderful families here and feel right at home. Brian and I have always felt connected to a life in an urban environment so living in Oakland was a challenge for us. We felt unsettled and anxious to begin our life back in the city. Finally last year we left our bigger, beautiful craftsman (in a crappy neighborhood) for a tiny 1950's track home on the edge of San Francisco. At least we were in the city and not just across the bridge. We know that this is not our last home but we feel like we can relax and enjoy our lives in a more settled place. Sofia knows that she lives in San Francisco and I would not have it any other way. (Thank God Brian likes it too).