Reflections on a Bad Mother (Part 1)

A few days ago, my dear friend, Kristen handed me a book and said "you have to read this book...you will love it." She had told me about this book written by a women she knows who lives in Berkeley. Kristen told me that she could not put it down and wants me to read it so we can talk all about it. So I began reading Bad Mother by Ayelet Waldman two days ago and I am trying to find every free moment to read. I love it. I remember seeing Ayelet on Oprah a few years ago because I was so intrigued by her words, her position as a mother. She wrote an essay a few years ago where she said that she loved her husband more than her children. This caused great backlash from all around the country and she was brought onto Oprah to discuss her feelings and reasoning behind this "crazy" idea. So many women were disgusted, appalled and even went on to say that her children should be taken away from her. I thought she was so brave, so honest and I loved everything about her.

Now, I am reveling in her words as she describes the way in which mothers criticize each other and will do anything to make themselves somehow feel like a "Good Mother" even if that means belittling and attacking other mothers. Waldman discusses how quickly everyone jumps on the band wagon to condemn Britney Spears and other Bad Mothers. Yes, she made some mistakes, but why is there the need to crush her and attack her mothering in such a nasty and cunning way. She talks about how we often revel in the darkness of other mothers because it does make us feel better, like a Good Mother.

I have always been honest on this journey. I don't think it wins me many "mom friends" but I don't know of any other way to exist in this crazy world of motherhood. I have no trouble disciplining my children in public nor being impatient at the park for fear of a nasty look from the mom at the swings. I think most moms sound ridiculous when they talk to their kids about being "nice" and "sharing." We have become so worried about sounding like a Bad Mother that we have gone in the other direction of enabling our kids by using a sticky sweet tone to tell our child not to hit. Come on.

Just today, I was in Bernal Heights on my way to the consignment store when a nice man waved me into the bookstore for story time. I thought maybe it would be fun, but as I noticed the seats full of toddlers around Silvio's age, I wondered if maybe this would not be the greatest situation for Sofia and Luca. Here's the back story: I think that mothers of toddlers can sometimes misunderstand the brain of a 4-year-old. Over the last few weeks I have a had more than one mother scold my children for disrupting their child. If I wasn't across the park, I would have given these mothers quite a few words, but I let it go. But I was angry. So today, when Sofia got up for one second to look at a book, this little 1-year-old sat in her chair. Sofia comes back to the chair and says "I was sitting there." The mom told her that we "take turns" and now it's her daughter's turn. What? I was furious. So you are telling me that if your daughter was there first and got up and Sofia sat down that you would let it slide? Yeah right! Sofia was completely accommodating and I said "that's fine" in the nicest way I could which did not sound very nice in the the least. Great job teaching your daughter to take turns.

I just feel like so often I need to defend my energetic, kinetic children from the self-righteous, indignant mothers out there. And I need to protect myself from feeling like a failure when my children don't do exactly what they should every moment of the day. I am not perfect, but neither is any other mother out there, so let's all just relax and embrace each other. This book has been so validating for me in so many ways. I am not even done with it yet, so I know I will have much more to say, to reflect upon as I continue to read. I already called Kristen yesterday and we chatted for a few hours about this book. She is such a great source of support, love, and understanding for me as a mother. I share all of my "dirty secrets" with her and never feel judged. Even though we have chosen to parent differently, we have always been able to support each other. I can tell her that my kids watched 3 hours of television because I was too tired to deal or that I gave the Nug a bag of jelly beans because I did not want him to scream at the store. I know that doesn't sound that extreme, but mothers can be so judgmental about things like TV and candy that I feel like I have to hide the truth. I always feel a bit ashamed when I talk about how much TV they watch, but really why does it matter what I do? I have three kids under the age of 5 and I have no help. It is what it is. When I call Kristen, I never feel like I have to hide a thing, and I know she feels the same. I am so thankful for that.

Why do we feel we all have to be perfect? Waldman talks about how when asked to describe the "perfect mother" often times women will list qualities such as "an infinite amount of patience, always loving and caring, always put their children first." All of these qualities amount to June Cleaver; to a person who does not exist. I know that I feel like a failure more than once a day because I feel this pressure to be a better mother. At our preschool, I definitely feel incredibly incompetent as a mother and a teacher. I love their school and it is a great place for our family but I feel like I can't do enough. There are so many go getter parents who seem to make the best lunches, come up with the most amazing projects, read a billion books to their children, maintain a garden, and conquer the world all in 4 hours. I kind of feel like train wreck half of the time I am there. I can't do extra things for the school because my hands are full taking care of three kids and myself, when possible. I just continue to remind myself that I can only do what works for me and my family and I move on. At least I find some validation in this book.

We all love our children and that is all that matters. We have to find our own ways of embracing motherhood. I know that I want my children to see me as a human being who fails, falls, and gets up. Sometimes I loose my temper with the kids and yell but I always apologize (even when I feel like I am going to vomit because I am stubborn) and explain to them that we all get upset and angry sometimes. I often blame myself for their behavior but I know that I am doing the best I can in my extreme situation (thank you to my therapist for validating that one). I try to forgive myself for the falls and praise myself for the victories. Sofia and Luca are wonderful little beings who are sensitive, loving, and polite most of the time. Sometimes they push, sometimes they scream, sometimes they hurt each other, but at the end of the day they are amazing kids. Maybe I am a Bad Mother in all of its greatness, messiness, and honesty. I can't wait to finish the book.

Day by day

We have been in such a crazy place these last few months amidst construction and 3 growing, ever changing children. Luca has dropped his nap, for the most part, which has been a huge adjustment for me. I was just so used to that down time in the middle of the day. Although Sofia has not napped for a few months now, she will watch a short show and move on to quiet play, drawing most of the time. Meanwhile, I would madly rush around the house cleaning, tidying, folding laundry- all of the luxurious duties of a housewife. Now that Luca is not napping, the two of them spend that time running around, chasing each other, screaming, laughing, and often fighting. I don't feel like I have much time at all to get anything done around here, much less sit for even a minute. This is quite an adjustment for me.
Since Luca is no longer napping, he becomes a wild, uncontrollable creature at the end of the day. His behavior is more animal-like than human and he truly cannot control himself. Sofia is exhausted as well, so the two of them get wrapped up in each other's frantic energy and seem to lose the ability to listen. I am also so tired by 5:00 and feel ready for bed time. The end of the day becomes a mad rush toward bed and my glass of wine. I have been feeling so overwhelmed by the transition and I have been struggling to find balance in the chaos. I know that it is what it is and I have to take all of this madness as it comes. As I sit here blogging, Sofia is quietly watching "Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Kids" and the boys are taking a nap. We are trying to enforce "quiet time" with Sofia and Luca, and Luca fell asleep. He so exhausted from not resting during the day, that he crashed when given the opportunity. He plays, runs, laughs, lives so hard and often has a hard time resting. Luca is so full of life and is ready to conquer the world- he just doesn't want to miss a thing. I am glad that today, he is resting and getting ready to bounce off the walls later. I am enjoying this little break, this little tidbit of time to write some thoughts and reflect on today. Sofia just ate a cookie which was her reward for staying in her bed during "quiet time" and she still has chocolate on her mouth. She has all of her favorite dolls and toys on the table. She has decorated her "princess swing" with lots of necklaces and jewels. She is such girl sweetness in all of its glory.
As I face the next 2 weeks of no school (yikes!), I am tapping into the freedom that comes without naps. Silvio still naps, but of course, he is flexible as I am as well and will nap in the car or in the morning. I am embracing the ability to take a day somewhere, possibly a trip to a place where the sun shines and revel in our lack of schedule. Leaving for the day feels like I am cutting class and speeding to the beach on a warm day. Rather I have a full diaper bag packed, a mini van loaded with kids, and I am off to Fairyland. I am taking it day by day, soaking up the freedom of a napless life.