Winter and Such

Sofia was really into Christmas this year. Of course she has always loved the tree and getting a ton of presents but she really understood the folklore of Santa this year so it was extra fun. She wrote notes to Santa, bought him a special cup for his milk, made special cookies for him, and even put up signs for him so that he would know where the tree was (especially like that one). She was very curious about how Santa would get into our house since we do not have a chimney. She and Brian decided that we would leave a window open for him, but one that was big enough. She had it all planned out. Of course the kids woke up at 5am, but Brian made them wait for a while before they opened their gifts. Luca was up first because he was so excited for Christmas. It was sweet.
We do not exchange gifts with each other nor with my family. We are on such a tight budget that it seems excessive for us to buy gifts for each other. Christmas is truly for the children and we focus on their joy in all of this. I still struggle with the excess of it all. Brian and I often disagree on how many gifts we give the kids. This year we agreed to give stocking stuffers from Santa and 2 larger gifts from us. I thought that was plenty since they would get a ton of stuff from my mom, dad, and sister. And indeed they did. At the end of it all, was a house full of joyful children happily playing with their new toys. I guess that is not so bad.

I can't say that I am not happy for Christmas to be over. I insisted upon taking down our tree yesterday and I was thrilled to have it outside of our house. I am happy to get back to our life with a few new toys. Hopefully we will fill this last week of "vacation" from school with play dates and the new year will begin.

I am going to make a list of things I hope to fill my life with in 2010. Why not? I bought a class card for 10 yoga classes in 3 months, so first in my list is more yoga. I need more Om Shanti in my life, so I am hoping to have a better yoga practice (inspired by my lovely friend Melissa!). I also hope to spend more time doing crafty things with my kids. My family gave us lots of crafty things for Christmas, so I plan to put them to use. I also want to eat more vegetarian/vegan. My mom bought me a vegan cookbook and I hope to incorporate some new dishes into my repertoire. I've got some other hopes and plans and feel, although it is so cliche, the New Year is a good time for a fresh beginning. Let's bring it on.

Mommiversary

Sofia turned five last week and I can hardly believe it. I have been a mother for five years. This feels like a big moment. I have felt more nostalgic, more reflective than usual this birthday.

This cold, damp weather reminds of those first sweet weeks with Sofia when we would bundle her tiny body up in a fluffy bear suit that was all too big, put her in the bjorn and take a long walk around Emeryville. The streets were quiet, the sun shone bright, and I could hear every breath she took. Within moments of meeting Sofia, I could not imagine my life without her. So much love, I thought I would burst.

But it was hard. I cried a lot. I had the "baby blues" and felt like I could not do it. I had moments where it all felt like too much and I felt like I was failing. I had no idea how this would change everything, the core of my being. That first time is such a transition. That first time is so big. So crazy. So amazing.

I only had 14 months with Sofia as our only child. I remember the night before Luca's birth, Brian and I sat on the couch with Sofia. We snuggled in tightly, reading books for the last time as a family of three. I cried. I felt such a sadness for this sweet baby who would never remember these moments where she had her mommy and daddy all to herself. I still feel sadness for Sofia and for Luca and Silvio, that they somehow don't get enough of us. But I know they love each other and they feel comfort each others' company. But I can't help but feel my heart ache when I get to the end of the day and realize that I did not play with Luca for more than 5 minutes. Does he know what he is missing? Maybe.

I feel settled into motherhood after five years. I am more confident in my parenting than ever and feel ready to move towards all 3 kids in school. Sofia begins kindergarten and Silvio will start preschool. I am almost there. Some days I fumble through the day without any patience at all but I get through.

On Sofia's birthday, we took some time together as a family. At one point in the day, Brian and I were on our bed lounging around when Sofia ran into our room and squealed with excitement. She jumped on top of us, wrapped her tiny arms around our necks and said "I love you Mommy and Daddy so much. You are the best ever and I am so happy to have you!" At that moment, I feel full. Full of love. Full of joy. Full of Mommy.

Five years of motherhood. Five amazing years.

Reminders

I have no computer. The computer I use is Brian's work laptop which he takes to work every day. So, I never have time to blog. Now that Luca dropped his nap, I try to be out of the house most of the day so that the kids can run themselves into the ground before we head home. I feel like I am incredibly out of practice on the blog front and am struggling to find the words to summon up this crazy time of our lives. I am still touring kindergartens and feel somewhat numb about the whole thing at the moment. I have turned in 3 applications to Catholic schools and I am currently working on my "top 7" list for SFUSD. I am anxious to know how this will all turn out next spring. I know this will all work out and we will ultimately be in the right place. I have to believe it. If I put it out there, it will come back. At least, I think so.

I was reminded today of how incredibly blessed I am to have these 3 beautiful, healthy children. My sister, who is almost 24 weeks along, ended in up the hospital today after 2 recent episodes of bleeding. When my brother-in-law called me this morning, my heart sank. Brian took most of the day off, so that I could be there with she and Dave at the hospital as the waited to talk to the OB and the Perinatologist. She will have to be on bed rest for a few weeks and then she can possibly be on modified bed rest. It is all really touch and go through the rest of the pregnancy.

She is worried, stressed, and sad about all of this and I just feel terrible. And grateful. I feel like I took my healthy, breezy pregnancies for granted. It seems like it is such a simple process. You get pregnant, your belly grows, you get a bit uncomfortable, then you have your healthy baby. Simple. I had some little bumps and concerns along the way with both boys' pregnancies, but nothing was grave and landed me in the hospital. As I sat there with her today, I felt humbled by the amazing process the body takes on to grow this life. I know she will be okay, but this is a long road and one full of worry and anxiety. I came home today and took a moment to kiss and love on each of my three beautiful babies.

The other day as Silvio and I were reading books. I asked him for a kiss and he quickly shook his head and said "no." But he then leaned in to me and said "love you." I melted.

Today, I am reminded of the grace, the complexity, the fragility of motherhood from the beginning until now. It continues every day. Although the reminder comes in an unwelcoming way, I still feel so grateful for the simplicity of how I arrived.

Right Place

Sofia is in her last year of preschool so we are looking for a new school for our family. As much as I can't believe on some level that she is going to be 5 in December, she is so ready for kindergarten. She loves her preschool workbooks and sits for hours drawing shapes and sounding out letters. I know that she is going to love kindergarten. I have dreaded this process since I have watched so many parents at our school become so stressed as they toured schools and discussed the infamous lottery process we have here in the public schools. So as the fall approached, I braced myself for an intense and anxiety-provoking experience. So far, I have felt overwhelmed and emotional about it all.
I have toured 5 schools and have about 8 more to go. I am looking at both public and Catholic schools and I am feeling very unsettled about where I see our family fitting in. I know that we relate to the communities of many of these public schools, but I am terrified of the huge middle schools and don't know if I want to transition Sofia at that point. I have about 2 tours per week for the next few weeks and many applications to fill out. I like the public schools and often see our family "fitting in" much better than we would at a Catholic school, but I love the feel of some of the Catholic schools. I don't know. And thankfully, I don't have to know until we receive our letters in March from San Francisco Unified. I just want Sofia to feel comfortable and at ease in a new school. Sofia continues to be an emotional and sensitive little girl, absorbing so much of the energy around her. So I need to make sure she feels safe. She can also be quite outgoing and social, so I know she will make friends quickly. Her newest expression is "whatever, mom." I might add, she says it the exact intonation of a teenager. I think it is hilarious but I am also terrified of what she might say 10 years from now. Yikes. For now, I take in all of the kissing and snuggling and the way she says, "I want you to be my mommy forever." I know she may not feel that way at some point in the not-too-near-future. Or maybe she will. I can hope. For now, she is heading toward a new school and a new experience. I know she is ready and we are as well.
At the end of the day, I just want our family to feel connected to our school community. At this point, I have no idea where that might be, but I know that it will work out. I am putting all that good energy out there for a loving, safe, and nurturing school for all of us. I know it will come back to me. At least, I hope.

Hold On

Months keep flipping by and I am trying to figure out where this year has gone. It is almost October and the Holidays are around the corner. My calendar is full of kindergarten tours and preschool functions. There doesn't seem to be a day that is completely free of commitments. I often feel like my head is spinning with the weight of all of these duties that I struggle to be present in the moment. I am teaching at Mercy on Saturdays and teaching at a gymnastics club on Mondays. I love teaching and choreographing but it does also make the burden of duty a bit heftier.

Amid all of the rushing around and swirling thoughts, I am trying to remember how fleeting each moment can be. Silvio is walking and talking up a storm. Tonight as we were reading books, he kept mumbling something before he was saying "book." After about 3 times of saying it, I realized he was saying, "how about this book." So cute. So amazing. My little guy is communicating and engaging with the world in a new way. I revel in each of these small words, phrases and I try to hold on to exactly what it sounds like. By the third child, I know how quickly it all changes. I want to hold on to him right now. I want to stay right here and live is his thumb-sucking, squeaking, snuggly, nug-ness. He runs around the house calling out to me or Luca ("aca") to play with him or chase him. Today at the park, Sofia, Luca, Silvio and I were playing soccer and as soon as the kids had run off, Silvio grabbed the ball, brought it to me and said "Mommy, occer." He tends to leave the first letter off of most words. He had never said that word before. I feel like every day he has new words and I am just trying to keep up. To listen. To remember. To take in. To close my eyes and breath it in. To hold on.

Maiden Voyage

At the beginning of September, I went on a 5-day, 4-night trip by myself to Maui. Well, not totally by myself, but I went without my husband and children. I spent so much time obsessing about how this trip was too long and how I did not know how to get through so many days without my family. I have never been away from the kids for that long, but more than that, I had never been away from Brian for more than 2 days. In the 9 years that we have been together, we have spent a mere 5 nights apart. So, this trip was quite a new experience for me.

I cried all morning before I left and could not stop weeping at the airport. As I was talking to Jen before I boarded the plane, she reminded me that this was a good thing for me; to have the space from my life and to breathe. I knew this was going to be hard, but I wanted to focus on how incredible it would be to be alone. Jen was so supportive (as usual) and helped me to relax and focus on all that I was gaining rather than focusing on leaving my sweet family behind. I got on the plane and ended up sitting next to the most gorgeous family. As I was sitting down, this woman looked at me with a look of complete panic. I reassured her that I have three kids and understand what it is like to travel. She was immediately relieved and we were bonded as moms. We talked kids and family for most of the trip. I felt a slight pang of guilt and sadness. I missed my family and for a moment wished they were on the plane, heading to the Maui beach with me. Well, maybe I did not miss them that much on the plane. I read a trashy mag and listened to music. That felt pretty amazing. I forgot how nice it was to have the freedom to do what I wanted in the moment.

I had and amazing trip. It was absolutely amazing to see Whitney. I miss her so much and tried to revel in the 4 days we had together. I met her friends, her man, and had dinner where she works. It was so great to be a part of her world even if it was for just a few days. And I loved having time with Megan to catch up and have some real girl time. We parasailed, snorkeled, and swam. I absolutely loved being in the water and tried to spend as much time as possible floating and listening to my breath in the water. I felt grounded, relaxed, and free. I missed my children but missed Brian more than anything. I talked to the kids every day, but they had so many fun activities that they didn't seem to miss me much. They are so connected to Brian that I knew they would be just fine. I was shocked at how much I enjoyed the space. I did not miss changing diapers, washing sippy cups, making meals, or driving the mini van. I reconnected with a part of myself that has been hiding behind the mom. I felt elated and centered. I was so happy to come home to my beautiful family and smell the sweetness of each child's neck. I missed them deeply, but mommy needed a break. And mommy really needed to breath. Maui was amazing and I look forward to my next solo trip.

Reflections on a Bad Mother (Part 1)

A few days ago, my dear friend, Kristen handed me a book and said "you have to read this book...you will love it." She had told me about this book written by a women she knows who lives in Berkeley. Kristen told me that she could not put it down and wants me to read it so we can talk all about it. So I began reading Bad Mother by Ayelet Waldman two days ago and I am trying to find every free moment to read. I love it. I remember seeing Ayelet on Oprah a few years ago because I was so intrigued by her words, her position as a mother. She wrote an essay a few years ago where she said that she loved her husband more than her children. This caused great backlash from all around the country and she was brought onto Oprah to discuss her feelings and reasoning behind this "crazy" idea. So many women were disgusted, appalled and even went on to say that her children should be taken away from her. I thought she was so brave, so honest and I loved everything about her.

Now, I am reveling in her words as she describes the way in which mothers criticize each other and will do anything to make themselves somehow feel like a "Good Mother" even if that means belittling and attacking other mothers. Waldman discusses how quickly everyone jumps on the band wagon to condemn Britney Spears and other Bad Mothers. Yes, she made some mistakes, but why is there the need to crush her and attack her mothering in such a nasty and cunning way. She talks about how we often revel in the darkness of other mothers because it does make us feel better, like a Good Mother.

I have always been honest on this journey. I don't think it wins me many "mom friends" but I don't know of any other way to exist in this crazy world of motherhood. I have no trouble disciplining my children in public nor being impatient at the park for fear of a nasty look from the mom at the swings. I think most moms sound ridiculous when they talk to their kids about being "nice" and "sharing." We have become so worried about sounding like a Bad Mother that we have gone in the other direction of enabling our kids by using a sticky sweet tone to tell our child not to hit. Come on.

Just today, I was in Bernal Heights on my way to the consignment store when a nice man waved me into the bookstore for story time. I thought maybe it would be fun, but as I noticed the seats full of toddlers around Silvio's age, I wondered if maybe this would not be the greatest situation for Sofia and Luca. Here's the back story: I think that mothers of toddlers can sometimes misunderstand the brain of a 4-year-old. Over the last few weeks I have a had more than one mother scold my children for disrupting their child. If I wasn't across the park, I would have given these mothers quite a few words, but I let it go. But I was angry. So today, when Sofia got up for one second to look at a book, this little 1-year-old sat in her chair. Sofia comes back to the chair and says "I was sitting there." The mom told her that we "take turns" and now it's her daughter's turn. What? I was furious. So you are telling me that if your daughter was there first and got up and Sofia sat down that you would let it slide? Yeah right! Sofia was completely accommodating and I said "that's fine" in the nicest way I could which did not sound very nice in the the least. Great job teaching your daughter to take turns.

I just feel like so often I need to defend my energetic, kinetic children from the self-righteous, indignant mothers out there. And I need to protect myself from feeling like a failure when my children don't do exactly what they should every moment of the day. I am not perfect, but neither is any other mother out there, so let's all just relax and embrace each other. This book has been so validating for me in so many ways. I am not even done with it yet, so I know I will have much more to say, to reflect upon as I continue to read. I already called Kristen yesterday and we chatted for a few hours about this book. She is such a great source of support, love, and understanding for me as a mother. I share all of my "dirty secrets" with her and never feel judged. Even though we have chosen to parent differently, we have always been able to support each other. I can tell her that my kids watched 3 hours of television because I was too tired to deal or that I gave the Nug a bag of jelly beans because I did not want him to scream at the store. I know that doesn't sound that extreme, but mothers can be so judgmental about things like TV and candy that I feel like I have to hide the truth. I always feel a bit ashamed when I talk about how much TV they watch, but really why does it matter what I do? I have three kids under the age of 5 and I have no help. It is what it is. When I call Kristen, I never feel like I have to hide a thing, and I know she feels the same. I am so thankful for that.

Why do we feel we all have to be perfect? Waldman talks about how when asked to describe the "perfect mother" often times women will list qualities such as "an infinite amount of patience, always loving and caring, always put their children first." All of these qualities amount to June Cleaver; to a person who does not exist. I know that I feel like a failure more than once a day because I feel this pressure to be a better mother. At our preschool, I definitely feel incredibly incompetent as a mother and a teacher. I love their school and it is a great place for our family but I feel like I can't do enough. There are so many go getter parents who seem to make the best lunches, come up with the most amazing projects, read a billion books to their children, maintain a garden, and conquer the world all in 4 hours. I kind of feel like train wreck half of the time I am there. I can't do extra things for the school because my hands are full taking care of three kids and myself, when possible. I just continue to remind myself that I can only do what works for me and my family and I move on. At least I find some validation in this book.

We all love our children and that is all that matters. We have to find our own ways of embracing motherhood. I know that I want my children to see me as a human being who fails, falls, and gets up. Sometimes I loose my temper with the kids and yell but I always apologize (even when I feel like I am going to vomit because I am stubborn) and explain to them that we all get upset and angry sometimes. I often blame myself for their behavior but I know that I am doing the best I can in my extreme situation (thank you to my therapist for validating that one). I try to forgive myself for the falls and praise myself for the victories. Sofia and Luca are wonderful little beings who are sensitive, loving, and polite most of the time. Sometimes they push, sometimes they scream, sometimes they hurt each other, but at the end of the day they are amazing kids. Maybe I am a Bad Mother in all of its greatness, messiness, and honesty. I can't wait to finish the book.

Day by day

We have been in such a crazy place these last few months amidst construction and 3 growing, ever changing children. Luca has dropped his nap, for the most part, which has been a huge adjustment for me. I was just so used to that down time in the middle of the day. Although Sofia has not napped for a few months now, she will watch a short show and move on to quiet play, drawing most of the time. Meanwhile, I would madly rush around the house cleaning, tidying, folding laundry- all of the luxurious duties of a housewife. Now that Luca is not napping, the two of them spend that time running around, chasing each other, screaming, laughing, and often fighting. I don't feel like I have much time at all to get anything done around here, much less sit for even a minute. This is quite an adjustment for me.
Since Luca is no longer napping, he becomes a wild, uncontrollable creature at the end of the day. His behavior is more animal-like than human and he truly cannot control himself. Sofia is exhausted as well, so the two of them get wrapped up in each other's frantic energy and seem to lose the ability to listen. I am also so tired by 5:00 and feel ready for bed time. The end of the day becomes a mad rush toward bed and my glass of wine. I have been feeling so overwhelmed by the transition and I have been struggling to find balance in the chaos. I know that it is what it is and I have to take all of this madness as it comes. As I sit here blogging, Sofia is quietly watching "Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Kids" and the boys are taking a nap. We are trying to enforce "quiet time" with Sofia and Luca, and Luca fell asleep. He so exhausted from not resting during the day, that he crashed when given the opportunity. He plays, runs, laughs, lives so hard and often has a hard time resting. Luca is so full of life and is ready to conquer the world- he just doesn't want to miss a thing. I am glad that today, he is resting and getting ready to bounce off the walls later. I am enjoying this little break, this little tidbit of time to write some thoughts and reflect on today. Sofia just ate a cookie which was her reward for staying in her bed during "quiet time" and she still has chocolate on her mouth. She has all of her favorite dolls and toys on the table. She has decorated her "princess swing" with lots of necklaces and jewels. She is such girl sweetness in all of its glory.
As I face the next 2 weeks of no school (yikes!), I am tapping into the freedom that comes without naps. Silvio still naps, but of course, he is flexible as I am as well and will nap in the car or in the morning. I am embracing the ability to take a day somewhere, possibly a trip to a place where the sun shines and revel in our lack of schedule. Leaving for the day feels like I am cutting class and speeding to the beach on a warm day. Rather I have a full diaper bag packed, a mini van loaded with kids, and I am off to Fairyland. I am taking it day by day, soaking up the freedom of a napless life.

Milestones

I know that we are not supposed to compare our children to other children, but we all do it. We want to make sure that our children are developing properly and that we are dong everything we can to enhance and encourage learning and growth. So, naturally we look around us at other children to measure our child's progression. I compare Silvio to Sofia and Luca.
Sofia walked around 13.5 months while Luca walked at 11.5. Luca was incredibly verbal and was always ahead of the curve with all of his skills, so I never had to worry about him. Sofia was a bit slower with her vocabulary, but within a few months, she was talking up a storm and has not stopped since. So, then comes along the little Nug and one would think I would be fairly laid back about all of these milestones, but I'm not. More than anything, I sometimes feel like it is partially my fault that he is not walking nor speaking much. I do not have a lot of time with him because I am dividing my time between all three kids. Sofia and Luca are in a place where they need a lot of attention, and the Nug likes to play with a plastic bottle for an hour, so I tend to leave him be. He will be 18 months next week, and he is still not walking. He is called a baby at the park because he crawls around. I finally bought him shoes because I refused to buy him another pair of Robeez, so he will walk around holding one finger. As soon as I let go, he drops immediately to the ground. He has taken a step here and there but with much encouragement. He doesn't seem incredibly interested in walking and as wee approach that 18-month mark, I am feeling a bit uneasy. I know that he will walk, but it's hard not to feel nervous and anxious about these milestones.
Thankfully, the little guy has begun to say a few things here and there. He has signed over the last few months, but not consistently and on his own terms. Silvio does not parrot words, nor will he wave, smile, or clap on demand. He is definitely an independent spirit and a bit shy, so he will communicate when he feels ready to. This has been hard for me when I see other children his age using 2-3 words at a time, walking around, and waving at the universe. Silvio is not the social bug that Luca was and continues to be, nor is he the poised, articulate, emotionally connected little girl that Sofia is. Silvio is my little scientist and an observer who is fascinated by the way things fit together. He loves to draw and is almost holding his pen correctly. Yesterday he scooched over to the sink area, opened the cabinet, and put a piece of paper in the recycling bin. So, I know that he is definitely absorbing information; he is just not a performer. Over the last few days, he has begun to say "all done," "please," "up," "thank you," and "mama" and "dada." He is using all of these words regularly rather than the screaming and pointing he was using previously to get our attention. I like the words much better.
Silvio and I have such a deep connection and I need to remind myself of how incredibly unique this little guy is. He is teaching us to be patient, to take our time, and to believe in the small stuff. As 18 months comes and goes, I am holding close that the milestones are a framework that don't fit every child. The Nug is beyond that framework, and is working towards brilliance in his own way.

and so on and so on

We are in the middle of major construction and it just plain sucks. We are expanding our space and creating a master bedroom downstairs with a walk through area that will include laundry and a desk. We also have put in radiant heat throughout the house and a tankless water system. It will be amazing when it is done, but I have no idea when that will be. At any given time, there are 2 to 3 people downstairs banging, sawing, and listening to loud music. At this point there is no door to separate the downstairs, so the noise travels into our space and makes me crazy. as if three children do not create enough chaos, I am dealing with the constant hum of strange voices and machines. I feel like I am going crazy. One day, we didn't have hot water and the next day we had no water at all. Really not fun.
We all know that construction is mostly miserable, but for a stay-at-home mom with 3 kids who spends most of her time in her house, it is down right insane. I have been trying to leave every afternoon, so that we can have some space from all of it. I just have to remind myself of how great it will be when we have our own space downstairs and the kids have some more room upstairs. This will be the first time that we have a room without a crib in almost 5 years. We really have not had any space to ourselves since we have become parents, and that has always been hard for us. I am looking forward to a separate space that is not full of kids' stuff and maybe has some soothing quality to it. In our current situation, we are all on top of each other and I feel like it not only makes the kids incredibly anxious and crazy, it makes us feel suffocated. We literally cannot breathe. I just hope that this all ends soon and we can settle into a more expansive house that gives us a little more room to relax and grow.
Sofia is thrilled to have her own room and Luca wants to paint the boys' room black (his favorite color). I think we will have to settle for a black stripe. Sofia is very nervous about us being downstairs and tells everyone that she will have a microphone so that we will hear her when she needs us. I know that our home is transforming into a better space for our family, but the process is a bit grueling. Sofia has even yelled at the workers down the stairs to "STOP making SO much NOISE!" She struggles with the noise and I try to tell her that yelling at them, is not very nice and won't make them stop any way. She always asks me when this will all end. If only I knew.

Reclaim

After a few years of unrelenting pregnancy and parenting, I am finally attempting to reclaim some of the pre-mommy person I once identified with. I am dancing more. I took two dance classes over the last week, taught a dance intensive, taught at a gymnastics club, and I am beginning to choreograph a piece with Lizette for a fall performance. All of this dancing has made me feel more grounded, more free, and more myself. I actually feel high after teaching and taking class. For those 2 hours or so, I do not think about anything else but being in my body. I am not a mother or a wife, but I am a mover and a feeler. It is such an amazing release and I am so grateful for that connection. I look forward to the next few months full of rehearsal, sweat, sore muscles, and creative energy. All of this dance feels like a reclamation, a deeper connection to the soulful mama embracing this journey more fully every day.

Tired Mommy

I don't know why I have been feeling so darn exhausted lately. I am desperately trying to find a reason. Is it because Luca is beginning to drop his nap? Is it the night wake ups from any one of the kids? Is the the 14 plus-hour days? Is it the fact that I take care of 3 kids every day without any child care? Who knows. All I know is that I feel like I am running on empty and I don't seem to be able to find that feeling of fullness, of replenishment.

I guess that is what I get for having 3 kids in 4 years. The worst thing about it all is that nobody wants to take care of 3 kids. Two was somehow manageable but three puts everyone over the edge, so we are left without much help and can't afford any other help. Boo hoo. I guess I am sounding like a complete pathetic, complainer, but I am tired. Wait. Did I say I was tired? To make matters even more difficult, Sofia and Luca seem to be fighting more and more every day. I swear I need a striped shirt and a whistle so that I could at least feel more official. They argue over everything from who gets to the sink first to wash hands (I guess I should be happy that they fight over hand washing) to who gets to sit in one particular corner of the couch. Come on. I am quite aware that this is all so normal but it is still so annoying! When another mom says something like "it must be so nice to have your kids close together," I just want to scream! Yes, there are some wonderful benefits, like the 3 minutes that they play cooperatively together but overall I am constantly dealing with their disagreements. UGH. They just are in a tough place and I am trying to get through this without yelling at them constantly.

We had a speaker at our last school meeting who discussed "how to not yell at your children." I sat there and felt ashamed, guilty, and awful about the fact that I yell a fair amount at these kids. I try to use my rational, nice voice, but I end up yelling because nobody listens. This speaker discussed the reason why people yell. Exhaustion. Check. Hunger. Check. Anxiety. Check. Well, at least I know the reasons why I struggle. I try to take a deep breath and release some of the frustration before I lose it, but it doesn't always work out for me, especially when Luca has pushed the Nug or taken Sofia lovie and thrown it across the room. Parenting is so hard. I spend most of time in therapy talking about how to be a better mother to these 3, incredibly unique children. I want more than anything to be the most grounded, genuine, and honest mother to them. I just wish I could have a week at a spa to feel rejuvenated and rested. There is nothing more I want in life than a fluffy white robe and cucumber water. Sigh. For the moment, I will settle for a glass of wine and a rerun of Oprah.

Forever

When Sofia and I are snuggling, she and I have conversations about various things such as the events of her day, her friends, and her favorite things. Almost every time we are close, she says to me "Mom, are you going to be my Mommy forever? Because I really want you to be my Mommy forever." I melt every single time. Sofia is such a sensitive, loving child who is never afraid to share her feelings. She is expressive and intuitive, absorbing the emotion and feeling of every moment. I am amazed and inspired by her openness and willingness to love freely. Sometimes, she struggles with her friends because she is hurt so easily when one of them may not want to play with her. Sofia really loves her friends and cares so much about them. She has begun to draw pictures for her friends and often wants to give away some of her special treasures to her dear friends. I am proud of her in so many ways, of the little girl that she is becoming. I am eating up every moment that she curls up in my arms and tells me that she loves me. She is the sweetest girl. I am so grateful for the opportunity to be her Mommy forever.

Time Away

I am still recovering from our trip and the time difference that is causing the kids to wake up between 4:30 and 5:30 every day. So, ee just got back from a 10-day visit with Brian's family in St. Louis. The kids were so excited to spend time with their cousins- all four of them! Austin is 16, Alyssa 14, Maverick is almost 13, and Kira 4. Sofia was more than thrilled to have time with Kira to play dress up and pretend to be mommies and babies. We had a nice time visiting, besides the stomach flu that hit all of us. That was not fun at all. I have never had the stomach flu, so I was a complete mess and was grateful that Brian had already been through it once it hit Sofia, Luca, and I so I was able to rest a ton. Sofia and Luca were up most of the night and were incredibly tired the next day. They even put themselves down for a nap which was a first. We soon recovered and returned to the lake to kayak and swim with all of the cousins. We also spent some time in the city of St. Louis with Brian's friend Jason, his wife and my friend, Toni and their darling two children, Cole and Sadie. We had lots of great family time and finde ourselves wishing we lived closer. We have so much in common with them and feel a deep connection. It was so great to have spent so much time with them. The place where we stayed was so serence and beautiful, nestled in the heart of a great neighborhood in St. Louis. I wish we had so more time to explore the streets lined with brick houses and tiny alleys. It truly is a beautiful town.
I am still tired and felt like I needed to blog. I think I might have more to say and reflect upon soon. For now, I wanted to share some pictures and a few thoughts :-).

Ebb and Flow

As soon as I feel like thing are getting more manageable, we fall back into a similar place. Or so it seems. We had days full of "good listening ears," successful potty action, and cooperative play followed by days full of time-outs, sibling fights, and "No, that is NOT the answer!" Sofia has a way of arguing with me if she does not get the answer she is looking for. I know that this is all typical behavior of a 4 and a half year old, but that does not make any less annoying. Again, I wish I had an unending amount of patience, but I don't and I struggle to get through my day without loosing my mind.
A week ago, at our monthly school meeting, we had a parent education portion that focused on strong-willed children. I think I have 3 of those, so I was ready with pen in hand to absorb any and all ideas and suggestions. They talked about temperament and emphasized how intense strong-willed children can be. Um, ya think? Sofia and Luca are both off of the charts when it comes to intensity (I wonder where they got that from). They have moments when they are intensely joyful and intensely upset. I feel like our house can be full of extremes throughout the day. There is a ton of laughter, squeals, screaming, stomping, and "squeezy hugs." These presenters went on to say that we as parents cannot get into battle with these kids, but rather, we must have clear consequences. If we decide on a consequence for a particular behavior we have to follow through, or as one woman put it, "die on the hill." I often regret the consequence I give as soon as it comes out of my mouth and then I find myself renegotiating the parameters of that consequence. I know this is not the best parenting and always regret backing down, especially with Luca, my most extreme strong-willed child. I tend to do fairly well at discipline because I have a background in education, but I feel like as a parent, you have to have an arsenal of tools in order to deal with all of the circumstances that arise. I am learning that Luca always needs me to get down on his level and get close to his body so that he will look me in the eyes and can focus on my words. Often, I am in the middle of a diaper change with Silvio or a clothing negotiation with Sofia, and I will yell a command from the other room which he will never listen to. Then I am frustrated. Luca cannot process words spoken from afar. He needs focused, calm, stern delivery of directions with clear consequences. It goes a little something like this: "Luca, I need you to clean up your trains at the count of 3 or I will have to keep them for the day. Do you hear my words?" and he responds, "Yes, Mommy." For the most part he listens when I have the chance to be there with him. Luca is a really sweet kid who has a ton of energy and strong will. I am learning to navigate all of these moments, one at a time.
Now girlfriend is a whole other story. She is talking back and throwing herslef around when she does not get exactly what she wants. Oh dear. My stomach actually turns when she says something like "MOM, I do not WANT that, did you hear me? That is NOT FAIR!" She is 4 going on 14 and I am terrified. I just want to send her to her room and not hear any of it but rather I try to explain to her that we do not yell at each other and that sometimes we don't always get what we want. I reluctantly will try to say "I am sorry that you feel so upset" but I don't always love saying that. This sounds horrible, but I feel like she is embracing the brat within and I feel a bit disgusted. Again, I know that this is normal, but it does not make it any easier. I just have to take a breath and remind myself not to engage with her because that gets us nowhere. Lately I have been grabbing her and holding her close so that she has a chance to settle down and focus on my words. I find that this works so well with both Sofia and Luca. If I pick them up and cradle them close to me, they seem to settle down and relax. I don't always feel like cuddling with them in the moment when Luca is spitting at me, but I know that holding them allows them to feel more grounded.
All of that said, I feel like there is always an ebb and flow in parenting. There are days where everyone is joyful and it seems manageable but there are also days where I feel so defeated. I guess I am comforted in the uncertainty of it all, starting each day with "I only have today and I can do this." It is such a simple statement, but I need to feel like I can do this and that just maybe, I can do it well. At least I know I am trying.

a day to revel in me

Mother's Day has never been so cherished, so important in my life as it is now. Motherhood is integrated into my person, my soul. I am a mother to three spirits who have graciously come into my life. Nobody can ever prepare you for the transition into motherhood. I knew all of the logistical changes but I could never have conceived of the shift at the core of my being. I care more about the mother I am to these children than I do anything else. I love any chance I get to talk about parenting styles, temperament, and discipline. I listen in on other mother's conversations about their children, looking for validation or even a tidbit of advice. This is most definitely the most challenging role I have ever taken on, but I am fuller, more grounded, and feel a more expansive field of light and love. This is the first year where I feel like this is my day. The sun is shining, there are two vases full of beautiful flowers on my counter, a hand made frame with this picture of my three gorgeous babies, and 3 small cards full of encouraging, glorious, and loving words from my husband. Today, I revel in this challenge, this opportunity, this most amazing journey.

Perserverance

We are still trying to Potty train Luca. It has been 6 months and it has been brutal. I had no idea that potty training could go on and on and on as it has. Maybe we pushed too hard but I thought he would catch on and feel motivated to use the potty on his own. Regardless of the reasons, he was not ready and it has not worked at all. After months of cleaning disgusting underwear, lots of plastic bags, and fear everywhere I would go, we decided to give up and put him back in diapers when he was not at school. I felt relief. Then he started to have accidents at school and his teachers call me after an hour to pick him up. So really, all of the pressure to potty train him has defeated the purpose. I wanted a bit of a break and some special time with Silvio, but now I am picking up Luca after an hour of school. He does not like to leave school and cries for an hour whimpering "I don't want to go home." He knows that if he has an accident, he has to go home, but it hasn't changed much. We haven't been putting much effort into the potty because I needed a break. I was so tired of the chaos, the smell, the stress, and the screaming. I just really could not take it anymore. Taking care of the needs of 3 children is a lot to handle, but taking care of 3 kids when one is pooping in his pants all if the time is just ridiculous. So we stopped pushing. I had a break and took a deep breath.
Last week, Brian and I decided that we needed to give him another push. We needed to try something different. We decided that we would have "naked day" with Daddy. Sofia, Silvio, and I headed to the East Bay to visit our dear friends Kristen and Annika and left Daddy and Luca naked at home. I bought tons of surprises and gifts for Luca for motivation, including a bug sticker book, a new truck, and a new lovie. We needed a new approach, a new strategy to tackle this bear of potty training the Lu. And it worked, although not as quickly as expected. When we got home around 3:30, Luca had not yet pooped and Brian was doubtful that it was gong to happen. Within a half hour of talking up Luca's big surprise (new lovie), Luca ran to the potty on his own and pooped. Brian and I cheered, jumped up and down, and gave Luca a ton of high-fives. I almost cried, I was so excited. Who knew that poop could ever bring me to joyful tears? He did it on his own. I was relieved, thrilled, and so happy for Luca. He loved his big surprise and we continued to talk about his amazing progress. He has done fairly well over the last 3 days with a few accidents here and there, but overall "naked day" was a huge success. I am glad we took a break to reevaluate our approach and I am glad that we gave Luca the opportunity to succede. Hopefully, we will continue to move forward and I will have one less diaper to change. I am hopeful.

Seriously

So this whole construction mayhem has turned me into a once-a-month or even less blogger. Our downstairs is literally a dirt pit, so we have no space for an office. Brian takes the laptop to work every day, so I am left without a computer. Poor me. I am planning on buying myself a laptop soon so that I can continue to blog about these three precious children that are changing and growing every second it seems. The past month has been full of changes in our home. Lots of conversations about design, construction, money, and time. Needless to say, it has been stressful, but we know that all of these changes will only make our home more comfortable and spacious which means everything to us right now! We now have 800 square feet for all five of us and three cats. Come on now. We are on top of each other and wake each other up constantly. Once we are done with all of the work, we will have on demand water, radiant heat, a master bedroom, a small office space, a sitting room, and a beautiful space in our backyard. YAY! We are really looking forward to expanding our home and a rest from the construction. We truly have done our fair share of owkr over the last five years. We have remodeled two homes, including kitchens and backyards. Although I love the designing process, I am ready to feel settled in my home for once.
The kids are so excited about their new space. Sofia wants to paint her room "tinkerbelle" which is a bright green and Luca wants to paint the boys' room black. That kids loves black. I told him that maybe we could do green and orange with a black stripe. It will be so great for our kids to actually own their space. Right now, Luca goes to bed in a crib in our room and is transferred to the other room around 10 pm. Sofia and Silvio go to sleep together in their room. It is quite a fiasco and I am looking forward to having our own room wihtout a crib in it. We have had a crib in our room since Sofia was born. Romantic, right? Thus is the life of parents. Your focus becomes sleep and rest for the entire family even if that means a crib in your room for years. I am hoping that this new space will be a retreat for me, for us. Maybe we will have a hot tub and can slip downstairs once the kids are down and enjoy some wine, a view, and eachother for an hour before we have to go to bed or a child wakes up. I am hopeful. I think that we all need a bit more space in this house, including the children. At the moment, Silvio is terribly interested in whatever Sofia and Luca are doing and seems to crawl his way into the middle of their "castle" and "ruin everything." The kids, especially Luca, yell at him so much and it breaks my heart. Maybe when we have more room, I can take Silvio away from their "castle" or "beach" or whatever it is they are creating in that moment, and we can have some time together. Silvio is in such a great place right now and I am, as usual, desparately trying to take it all in. He is communicating quite a bit with signs and sounds. He is not walking yet which is a little crazy at 15 months, but he is doing so many amazing things. I don't think he'll be crawling in college, so I'm not worried. He is doing everything in his own nug time. I am grateful for that. I hope that we get through this construction as quickly as possible so that we can settle into our little home and take a deep breath. And maybe I will have a laptop soon so that I can blog more often. Seriously.

Lovin' the Sun

For some reason, this winter felt especially long and dreary. So as spring has come upon us, we are heading out into the sunshine every chance we get. Our children love to run around outside and we love how tired they are when we come home. One of our favorite weekend activities is going down to San Mateo to visit Auntie Steffie and Dave. They have a wonderful back yard where the kids can run around freely and we can hang out and have some margaritas! We headed down there yesterday afternoon and has such a wonderful time. My sister had decided to pick up our old hula hoops from my mom's house. My mother actually kept our original hula hoops. All of us decided to give it a whirl and found ourselves laughing on the floor. Watching Dave and Brian attempt the hula hoop is even difficult to describe. Tears were rolling down my face from the laughter and it felt amazing. My mother and I had a contest at one point. Sofia and Luca tried so hard to hula hoop but could not quite get the hip motion down. I, on the other hand, had it down. I was trying all my old tricks. Girl can still shake it! We had such a great time and so did the kids. I wish we would get together every weekend, but every body gets busy in our busy lives. The simplicity of family, good food, and some fun makes for a perfect afternoon. I hope that we continue to make time for impromptu family gatherings so the my kids continue to experience that pure love and joy that comes from family. There is a connection that we can only truly experience within our family; one that is rooted in history and spirit.
I grew up with a great sense of family, fostered by my parents and my grandparents. I spent a lot of time with my Nonna and Nonno and learned so much about my heritage. I would never have lived in Italy, had the connection with my Italian relatives, or learned the language if I did not have my Nonna's encouragement. She sent me to Italy by my self at 18 to spend time with some of my relatives and I began to learn the language. Then, Brian and I lived there for a year which only deepened my connection to my heritage. Brian and I have been back several times and often discuss the possibility of living there some time with our family. Now that I am a citizen (along with Sofia and Luca), we can actually begin to entertain the idea. I want Sofia, Luca, and Silvio to feel connected to their heritage not only because we gave them Italian names, but because it is an integral part of our lives. I know that spending time together as a family is part of connecting to our Italian culture. The simple time we spend together gives our children a fundamental sense of identity and connection. So, I am excited as we head into spring and summer and we can continue to revel in the sun and each other.

Friends

I love seeing Silvio with Avi. They were conceived at practically the same time and were born 3 days apart. Melissa and I were in the hospital for 1 day together and had a chance to lay these beautiful boys next to each other. They really do seem to like each other and both shriek with excitement when they see each other. Melissa and I had a chance to hang out the other day and I was thrilled to be able to put Silvio in the stroller with Avi. They shared bread and babbled back and forth. It was ridiculously sweet. We spend so much time with older children, so I love it when Silvio has a chance to hang out with his buddy. And of course, I was thrilled to have some time with Melissa.
Although I know many moms, I don't have many friends and consequently spend a good deal of time by myself with the kids. It has been hard to connect with other moms for some reason. I don't know if it is that I am a true introvert at heart and I often struggle to reach out to potential friends or it is that I am just too busy wrapped up in taking care of my three children. Regardless, I often find myself a bit lonely and jump at any chance to hang out with another mom, especially a mom friend as dear to me as Melissa. When I lived in Oakland, I had a great circle of mom friends and we would meet quite often. We started to gather together when we were pregnant. It is an amazing group of women and I miss them often. Kristen and I still see each other sometimes but I know that if I lived in the East Bay, I would spend a ton of time with her and Annika. That is hard for me. I miss her dearly and wish we were closer. Most days, I end up at the park in the afternoon where I know a few other moms and I get a chance to have a chat with another adult which is always a good thing. I love connecting with other women and having the opportunity to revel in motherhood. More than anything, I just love being able to chat when my kids run around. I do have many wonderful friends and I feel blessed to be surrounded by amazing women. It is a true gift and incredibly necessary to get through life as a mother. Amen.

My big boy is 3

So it has been nearly a month since Luca's 3rd birthday. He is quite the 3-year-old these days with his abundance of energy and hilarious ideas. I remember the day that Luca was born. I had a C-section scheduled for 1:00 PM on February 23, 2006. I got to the hospital a few hours earlier only for the nurses to send me downstairs to wait. The doctors were tied up with a few emergency C-sections so my birth was put on hold for the moment. We went downstairs where we soon met up with my family. We sat in the waiting area and I watched them eat Arizmendi pastries and drink hot coffee. I bought socks from the hospital gift shop. I was becoming increasingly anxious. After almost an hour we went back upstairs and I was checked into a room. My IV's were started and I waited for my doctor, Dr. Matthews who delivered Sofia to come in. As soon as she came in, she apologized for the wait and began to prep me for surgery. She told me it would be at least another hour before I would go in and then she quickly left. I was feeling incredibly anxious and had to take a walk. I was hungry, tired, and had a headache from missing my cup of coffee. Oh, yeah and I was very pregnant. Not a great combination of circumstances. Brian and I took a long walk around the halls yearning for that moment to meet our little boy. My mom, dad, and sister had left to grab a bite. As soon as we returned to our hospital room, a nurse came in and told us that we were to go into the OT immediately for the birth. We scarmbled around the room, found our phone to call my family, and tried to take a deep breath. Just as I was waddling out of the room, the same nurse told us to go back into our room because Dr. Matthews had another emergency C-section. She told us it would be another hour or so. I was about to burst! My family came rushing into the room only to find me laying in my bed, as sad as could be. I wanted to meet this baby! Another hour passed and the time finally came for us to meet Luca. We were nervous and excited to meet out little guy. I was so glad to have Dr. Matthews there since she had seen me through Sofia's birth and through a somewhat eventful pregnancy with Luca (I had a elevated AFP and consequently had to have an amniocentesis which was horrible). Within 10 minutes, Luca entered this world and screamed loudly. He was covered in vernix which was a bit shocking but he was alert and ready to go. I recognized his profile from the ultrasound and felt the light of our Luca. He is such a radiant child and lights up every room. He is resilient and strong. He is fiercely independent and full of joy. His smile is contagious and I have no doubt that he is gong to be one of the most amazing people I know. He tells me he loves me all of the time and loves to "talk" before bed every night. He tells me of the "long, big, black train" that he wants and how he loves his friends at school. Luca Swan makes me a better mother every day. He is a true gift to us and to this world. He fills my heart with light, joy, and so much love. Happy Birthday to my sweet, big boy.

Too Long

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I have been terrible at blogging lately. I have many excuses. It goes without saying that my life with 3 kids is incredibly chaotic at all times of the day, so finding time to blog is difficult, if not impossible. The main reason I have been a blog failure is because Brian has dismantled the room downstairs and consequently, the computer. So when Brian goes to work every day, he takes our single computer with him, so I left with my iphone which is not the greatest tool for blogging. So all of the excuses set aside, I miss blogging and feel like I need this place to reflect on my journey as a mother. Our life has been full of changes and shifts as we continue to navigate our family of five. Sofia is becoming increasingly independent and is testing her boundaries. She loves to draw and write her name. Her pictures have more of a story and she loves to depict things from her life and music. Sofia draws everybody in our family with big smiles and complete with foreheads and eyebrows. She sings lots of silly songs and dances up a storm. Luca. Oh, Luca. We are still struggling with the potty and I tell myself that he most likely won't poop in his pants when he is 15, but it feels endless. Other than cleaning pop pants anywhere bewteen 3 and 10 times a day, Luca is full of energy. He is a kinetic, energetic, and enthusiastic boy who loves to play and play and play. He has been exploring his imagination a bit and plays pretend games with Sofia. They love to pretend they are having apicnic on the beach and they set up blankets and food. Of course all of their lovies are in attendance. Luca has made some friends at school and lights up when he sees them. He talks endlessly about his friends at school, Jack and Jimmy. I love seeing him play with his friends and establishing himself as a separate person from his sister. It is no doubt that the 2 of them are joined at the hip, but they need space to enjoy their individuality as well. The Nug is still the most nugalicious baby. He is full of opinions these days and will let us know when he needs something or is mad about his brother or sister taking something away from him. He still scooches and has begun to crawl. I don't know when he is going to walk but he is continuing to teach us that he is his own person and will do things in his own way. He is quite the engineer and loves anything electronic. He steals Sofia's Leapfrog Leapster, turns it on, and tries to use the wand to play a game. The other day, he found a CD in a bag, scooched over to the DVD player, opened it, put the disc in, closed it, found the remote, and pointed the reomte at the TV. I was floored. He is such a little scientist! I am relishing every little moment with my Nug, knowing well that this time plasses so quickly. As I am writing tonight, I realize how important it is for me to have this space to revel in all of the daily moments with my sweet babies. It has been too long, but I only have today.

True to her name

Our little girl is quite the old soul. Sofia basks in her girlness in every way she can from glitter glue to flowered tights. She loves every single thing about being a little girl. Sofia is also wise beyond her time and slips little phrases, simple thoughts that often surprise Brian and I. The other day during a typical dinner where neither Brian nor I sit for more than a minute at a time, Sofia was talking quite a bit. We have this ongoing problem with both Sofia and Luca, where they use an incredibly loud voice to say everything. It is terribly annoying and no matter how much we ask them politely to use a "softer voice" they still shout. Maybe it is because we have 3 small children in a a small house, so they feel like they need to yell to get our attention. That is fair enough, but I can't begin to describe how grating all of the yelling can be in our tinymhouse. Anyway, that evening Sofia began to talk about our family. She looked at me and said thoughtfully, "Mommy, we all need to take care of ourselves. You have to take care of yourself and Daddy has to take care of himself." She continued to talk about Luca and Silvio and herself. Sofia has this way of using her hand when she speaks (I wonder where that comes from...). It is quite hilarious and extremely cute. She is so expressive and enthusiastic when she speaks. This night in particular she used her hands as usual, and her loud voice to say something so intuitive and reflective. I am in awe of her wisedom and how she continues to live up to the true meaning of her name. She is a teacher, a listener, and my sweet little glittery girl.

A year full of Nug Love

Last Thursday we celebrated our little Nug. In some ways it is hard to believe that Silvio is one, yet this year has been incredibly challenging. Silvio decided that he was not into the whole scheduled birth thing and made his entrance exactly 9 hours before he was expected. My water broke on February 5, 2008 around 6:30 PM as I was getting Sofia and Luca ready for bed. My in-laws had just flown in that day and I had pasta on the stove. I thought maybe I had a little accident, but I knew exactly what happened. Brian was taking a nap on the couch, so I ran over to him, put my hand on his shoulder and whispered, "my water just broke and we need to go to the hospital." He opened his eyes and just stared at me for a second, as if he needed to take a moment to take in what I had just said. Within 10 minutes we were in the car, on the way to CPMC for an emergency C-section. I began to have contractions that were becoming increasingly stronger. I was a bit excited to feel labor for the first time, but I was also relieved to know that I was going to have the baby within a few hours. The car ride felt long, as I was drenched. I had no idea that once your water breaks you continue to leak and leak and leak. That was crazy. We got to the hospital and a rather unfriendly nurse dismissively said, "well, we need to make sure that you didn't just pee." Are you kidding me? I know I had never gone through this before, but give me a break. Anyway, my contractions were becoming a bit more intense and I could not talk through them. I just needed to breathe. I could not help but wonder what would it have been like for me. I wanted to have Sofia naturally. I took a natural birthing class and held ice for long periods of time in preparation for this moment. Part of me really wanted to experience a natural birth and I have had to grieve the loss of that possibility. My little girl was breach and I did not have a choice. I was just thankful that Silvio decided to come on his own terms and let his mother feel her body working in a new way. It felt good.
Then my surgeon walked in. I was trying not to panic because my OB was not going to deliver me. That is one of the perks of the good ol' scheduled C-Section; you get to have your doctor do your surgery and I have sought out an amazing surgeon, a technician. So here I am with a new doctor late on a Tuesday night who is trying to figure out which scar to use for the surgery (for some reason my old OB did not use the same scar...bummer). She put her hand on her hips and said, "Look, I had 2 C-sections and I wished that someone would have done a a tiny mini-tuck for me, so that's what I am going to do for you. Is that okay?" Uh, yes. So I began to relax a bit, knowing that she was going to take care of me (and my saggy belly).
I had to wait for quite some time for an Operating Room and for my new doctor. She had another emergency C-section before mine, so I was wheeled up to the door and then was forced to wait in a room. My sister, and mother were waiting excitedly in the waiting room and Jen arrived in time to hang out with me before I went in. It was so nice to have her there this time. She is such a dear friend of mine, so it meant so much to me that she could be there when Silvio arrived. Within a few minutes, I was rolled into the O.R. by myself. So that is what they DO NOT tell you before a C-section; that you go in alone to get your spinal and then about 20 minutes later your husband can join you. At least I was prepared this time for that, but I was not prepared for my spinal to hurt so terribly. I almost jumped off of the table. OUCH! Within a few minutes I began to feel the anesthetic and my legs went numb. I took a deep breath and tried to take it all in, knowing that this was most likely the last birth I would have. Brian finally came in and we anxiously awaited the moment Silvio would take his first breath. I cannot begin to explain how much I love that moment...when this tiny being enters this world. That moment is frozen in time for me. I have never felt so full of love, like I did those 3 incredible days. This time would be my last at 11:11 pm. Brian and I have always thought that 11:11 was special and we would kiss any time we would catch it on the clock. Now, our little Nug gracefully entered this world at exactly 11:11 and has only made it a more special moment in the day. I am blessed, I am grateful, I am a better person for that moment, when Silvio came into our world and became our little Nug. Happy Birthday Silvio.