Giving Thanks

I began my Thanksgiving day with a wonderful Yoga class with Melissa. I could not think of a better way to give thanks than to be in a room full of people, chanting "Om," and breathing and moving together. Melissa brought me to this class a few weeks ago and it is amazing. She spoke so highly of this teacher, so I knew it would be as incredible as she said. Melissa and I have a wonderful connection, and this class has been such a great place for us to revel in our moving bodies in a way that is strengthening and celebratory. Thank you, Melissa. I have begun to realize over the last few months that I really need to be in my body more often. After performing with Lizette and teaching a weekly dance class to my students, I have a greater understanding of how much dance and movement feed me in the deepest way. Over the last few years, I have naturally been unable to dance as much (and move in a basic way for that matter. Although I did continue to choreograph throughout each of my three pregnancies, I have not danced for myself or taken many movement classes. I am beginning to feel free from pregnancy (we are done!) and I am beginning to reclaim my desire to move and breath and stretch and open. I am making a conscious effort to make time for my own movement in my life. Thankfully I have a supportive husband who is more than willing to watch the kids while I take a class. I am so grateful for his unconditional and endless support. I could not do this without him. I give thanks for my family...those three sweet children that each have an unique way of loving, laughing and giving to the world. I give thanks for so many gifts.

Simple moments

Sofia and Luca just started playing "I Spy" in the car. Sofia always begins with a very relevant, "I spy a red sign with letters" and we take turns noticing the things around us. Luca is hilarious because he cannot quite say any word that begins with an "s" and is followed by a consonant. So "spoon" is "foon" and "sponge" is fonge." So yesterday when Luca's turn came up in our game Luca would say "I fye a big, big truck with letters." Not only was I cracking up because he kept saying "i fye" but he kept repeating the same thing: "I fye a big, big black truck" and then it was "I fye a big, big red truck" (He really likes trucks). I loved playing the game with Sofia and Luca and I am coninually amazed at how Sofia is learning more and more concepts every day. The other day we had an outing "just the girls." She put on a special dress and then began to pack her purse for our trip. She had her wallet, sunglasses, a lucky stone, and Flounder from the Little Mermaid. As we left the house, she had her purse on her shoulder and looked at me, her eyes full of excitement and said, "Mommy, I have apurse just like you!" I just love having a little girl. Sofia loves to spend time with me and I remind myself to take in these sweet little moments because I know how quickly time passes and things change.
Sofia is such an emotional little girl and she can express herself so eloquently. The other night as soon as we put her down, she started to scream. Brian immediately rushed into the room and pulled her out. We both scolded her for her loud voice since Silvio was already asleep. She began to cry intensely and I realized in that moment that she felt badgered and scared. I ran over to her , scooped her up, and brought her to the couch. I cradled her in my arms and told her that she was safe and that we get upset when she uses a loud voice when Silvio is sleeping (she tends to speak very loudly these days). She looked at me with those huge brown eyes and said "I don't it when you yell at me Mommy and Daddy- it makes me very upset and scared. So please don't yell at me." I told her that we made a mistake and that we didn't mean to hurt her feelings. She then replied "Kids make mistakes and sometimes grown-ups make mistkes too. That's okay Mommy and Daddy, I still love you." Brian and I looked at each other, mouths open and eyes filled with tears. I felt so proud of her for being able to express her feelings in such a clear way. Sofia is an intuitive and perceptive child. The name Sofia means "wisdom." I never thought she would embrace her name in such a beautiful and splendid way.

And this too shall pass

I have heard from many parents that boys can be more difficult than girls but I never dreamed that it could be this intense every minute of the day. Luca is incredibly strong-willed, defiant, independent, and often devious. He has tantrums that are so filled with emotion and energy; he literally thrashes his body around and screams at the top of his lungs. And they last for a few minutes and often up to a half hour. I worry that he might hurt himself, or me. Luca has resorted to hitting, kicking, and spitting at us when he is in the throws of a tantrum. It is infuriating, exhausting, and frustrating. Some of our worst moments are in public when Luca growls at other children and then runs from any time I try to have a talk with him about his behavior. He sometimes runs from me on the street and those are my lowest moments where I feel powerless and responsible. I try to stay calm but it turns to yelling and he finds that hilarious. He has run into the street twice and I've never been so terrified in my life. That is not okay. Brian and I both find ourselves at a loss with Luca. I have never felt so defeated and so much like a failure. We try time-outs and taking things away, but nothing consistently works with him. We have even tried sticker charts and rewards to no avail. He fights us with every transition, every task of every day. I try not to take it personally when he lashes out because I know he is desperately trying to be understood. I sympathize with his placement in our family as the middle child and feel guilty that he has never had our undivided attention. More than anything, I feel like I naturally compare him to my compliant "pleaser" of a child, Sofia. She has moments of defiance but ultimately, she listens and loves to help us in any way she can. She also snuggles and loves on us every chance she gets which makes up for so much these days. Just tonight I tried to cuddle with Luca before bed and he suddenly moved and smacked me in the face and then kicked my head. I just wanted to cry. Why is this so hard? I have never felt this saddened by mothering. Luca is such an amazing child with a fierce sense of purpose and independence. He is a smart kid who will grow up to be a leader, full of hope and light. I try to hold on to what I believe will come because all of these qualities are those which any parent would only hope for in their child. For now, I hold on to the ever-so-famous quote, "and this too shall pass."

And then came Silvio

I have been so terrible lately at posting. I guess the Nastari-Case household has been busy. How could we not be with 3 small children? Anyway, I have been a bit worried about Silvio lately. You would think that by the third child, I would be incredibly relaxed about development. Oh no. Not when one is as neurotic as I. Of course, I am always comparing him to my other two children. Over the last week or so, I have begun to work on the video for 2007, so I have been looking at tons of video of Luca when he was the same age as Silvio. Luca was signing, crawling, pulling himself up, and gesturing. Silvio is scooching but not crawling and has not been incredibly communicative with us. So, I have been concerned about his development. Then the other day, we pulled out an old toy for Silvio that we had when Sofia was a baby. It is a silly toy that plays music when you successfully drop a ball into the elephant head (who thinks this stuff up anyway?). We showed him one time and he immediately grabbed the ball and dropped in into the hole. I thought that it was just a fluke, but he has continued to drop the ball into the head and then will look at us, waiting for us to dance to the music. So cute! Then the other day, Brian pulled out this racing ramp of Luca's and showed Silvio how to drop a car on the ramp. He immediately reached for a car and dropped it right onto the ramp. I went for our 9 month check-up and naturally, the pediatrician reassured me that he is definitely developing on an appropraite time line and she also reminded me that I can't compare him to our unusually verbal son, Luca. So true. Brian never once questioned Silvio's development but I feel responsible for him. We all know that mommy guilt does amazing things and makes us somewhat unreasonable at times. Since he is the third child, I often "station" him with a toy, so I always worry that it is my fault that he is not crawling, talking, or completing mathematical equations. Silvio is such an incredible baby and he is teaching me to be more patient and more understanding. He is taking in the world in his own special way and letting all of us know that we do things when we are ready. I know he is going to be an amazing child and I feel grateful to be able to watch him blossom, one scooch at a time.