Ebb and Flow

As soon as I feel like thing are getting more manageable, we fall back into a similar place. Or so it seems. We had days full of "good listening ears," successful potty action, and cooperative play followed by days full of time-outs, sibling fights, and "No, that is NOT the answer!" Sofia has a way of arguing with me if she does not get the answer she is looking for. I know that this is all typical behavior of a 4 and a half year old, but that does not make any less annoying. Again, I wish I had an unending amount of patience, but I don't and I struggle to get through my day without loosing my mind.
A week ago, at our monthly school meeting, we had a parent education portion that focused on strong-willed children. I think I have 3 of those, so I was ready with pen in hand to absorb any and all ideas and suggestions. They talked about temperament and emphasized how intense strong-willed children can be. Um, ya think? Sofia and Luca are both off of the charts when it comes to intensity (I wonder where they got that from). They have moments when they are intensely joyful and intensely upset. I feel like our house can be full of extremes throughout the day. There is a ton of laughter, squeals, screaming, stomping, and "squeezy hugs." These presenters went on to say that we as parents cannot get into battle with these kids, but rather, we must have clear consequences. If we decide on a consequence for a particular behavior we have to follow through, or as one woman put it, "die on the hill." I often regret the consequence I give as soon as it comes out of my mouth and then I find myself renegotiating the parameters of that consequence. I know this is not the best parenting and always regret backing down, especially with Luca, my most extreme strong-willed child. I tend to do fairly well at discipline because I have a background in education, but I feel like as a parent, you have to have an arsenal of tools in order to deal with all of the circumstances that arise. I am learning that Luca always needs me to get down on his level and get close to his body so that he will look me in the eyes and can focus on my words. Often, I am in the middle of a diaper change with Silvio or a clothing negotiation with Sofia, and I will yell a command from the other room which he will never listen to. Then I am frustrated. Luca cannot process words spoken from afar. He needs focused, calm, stern delivery of directions with clear consequences. It goes a little something like this: "Luca, I need you to clean up your trains at the count of 3 or I will have to keep them for the day. Do you hear my words?" and he responds, "Yes, Mommy." For the most part he listens when I have the chance to be there with him. Luca is a really sweet kid who has a ton of energy and strong will. I am learning to navigate all of these moments, one at a time.
Now girlfriend is a whole other story. She is talking back and throwing herslef around when she does not get exactly what she wants. Oh dear. My stomach actually turns when she says something like "MOM, I do not WANT that, did you hear me? That is NOT FAIR!" She is 4 going on 14 and I am terrified. I just want to send her to her room and not hear any of it but rather I try to explain to her that we do not yell at each other and that sometimes we don't always get what we want. I reluctantly will try to say "I am sorry that you feel so upset" but I don't always love saying that. This sounds horrible, but I feel like she is embracing the brat within and I feel a bit disgusted. Again, I know that this is normal, but it does not make it any easier. I just have to take a breath and remind myself not to engage with her because that gets us nowhere. Lately I have been grabbing her and holding her close so that she has a chance to settle down and focus on my words. I find that this works so well with both Sofia and Luca. If I pick them up and cradle them close to me, they seem to settle down and relax. I don't always feel like cuddling with them in the moment when Luca is spitting at me, but I know that holding them allows them to feel more grounded.
All of that said, I feel like there is always an ebb and flow in parenting. There are days where everyone is joyful and it seems manageable but there are also days where I feel so defeated. I guess I am comforted in the uncertainty of it all, starting each day with "I only have today and I can do this." It is such a simple statement, but I need to feel like I can do this and that just maybe, I can do it well. At least I know I am trying.

a day to revel in me

Mother's Day has never been so cherished, so important in my life as it is now. Motherhood is integrated into my person, my soul. I am a mother to three spirits who have graciously come into my life. Nobody can ever prepare you for the transition into motherhood. I knew all of the logistical changes but I could never have conceived of the shift at the core of my being. I care more about the mother I am to these children than I do anything else. I love any chance I get to talk about parenting styles, temperament, and discipline. I listen in on other mother's conversations about their children, looking for validation or even a tidbit of advice. This is most definitely the most challenging role I have ever taken on, but I am fuller, more grounded, and feel a more expansive field of light and love. This is the first year where I feel like this is my day. The sun is shining, there are two vases full of beautiful flowers on my counter, a hand made frame with this picture of my three gorgeous babies, and 3 small cards full of encouraging, glorious, and loving words from my husband. Today, I revel in this challenge, this opportunity, this most amazing journey.

Perserverance

We are still trying to Potty train Luca. It has been 6 months and it has been brutal. I had no idea that potty training could go on and on and on as it has. Maybe we pushed too hard but I thought he would catch on and feel motivated to use the potty on his own. Regardless of the reasons, he was not ready and it has not worked at all. After months of cleaning disgusting underwear, lots of plastic bags, and fear everywhere I would go, we decided to give up and put him back in diapers when he was not at school. I felt relief. Then he started to have accidents at school and his teachers call me after an hour to pick him up. So really, all of the pressure to potty train him has defeated the purpose. I wanted a bit of a break and some special time with Silvio, but now I am picking up Luca after an hour of school. He does not like to leave school and cries for an hour whimpering "I don't want to go home." He knows that if he has an accident, he has to go home, but it hasn't changed much. We haven't been putting much effort into the potty because I needed a break. I was so tired of the chaos, the smell, the stress, and the screaming. I just really could not take it anymore. Taking care of the needs of 3 children is a lot to handle, but taking care of 3 kids when one is pooping in his pants all if the time is just ridiculous. So we stopped pushing. I had a break and took a deep breath.
Last week, Brian and I decided that we needed to give him another push. We needed to try something different. We decided that we would have "naked day" with Daddy. Sofia, Silvio, and I headed to the East Bay to visit our dear friends Kristen and Annika and left Daddy and Luca naked at home. I bought tons of surprises and gifts for Luca for motivation, including a bug sticker book, a new truck, and a new lovie. We needed a new approach, a new strategy to tackle this bear of potty training the Lu. And it worked, although not as quickly as expected. When we got home around 3:30, Luca had not yet pooped and Brian was doubtful that it was gong to happen. Within a half hour of talking up Luca's big surprise (new lovie), Luca ran to the potty on his own and pooped. Brian and I cheered, jumped up and down, and gave Luca a ton of high-fives. I almost cried, I was so excited. Who knew that poop could ever bring me to joyful tears? He did it on his own. I was relieved, thrilled, and so happy for Luca. He loved his big surprise and we continued to talk about his amazing progress. He has done fairly well over the last 3 days with a few accidents here and there, but overall "naked day" was a huge success. I am glad we took a break to reevaluate our approach and I am glad that we gave Luca the opportunity to succede. Hopefully, we will continue to move forward and I will have one less diaper to change. I am hopeful.