Winter and Such

Sofia was really into Christmas this year. Of course she has always loved the tree and getting a ton of presents but she really understood the folklore of Santa this year so it was extra fun. She wrote notes to Santa, bought him a special cup for his milk, made special cookies for him, and even put up signs for him so that he would know where the tree was (especially like that one). She was very curious about how Santa would get into our house since we do not have a chimney. She and Brian decided that we would leave a window open for him, but one that was big enough. She had it all planned out. Of course the kids woke up at 5am, but Brian made them wait for a while before they opened their gifts. Luca was up first because he was so excited for Christmas. It was sweet.
We do not exchange gifts with each other nor with my family. We are on such a tight budget that it seems excessive for us to buy gifts for each other. Christmas is truly for the children and we focus on their joy in all of this. I still struggle with the excess of it all. Brian and I often disagree on how many gifts we give the kids. This year we agreed to give stocking stuffers from Santa and 2 larger gifts from us. I thought that was plenty since they would get a ton of stuff from my mom, dad, and sister. And indeed they did. At the end of it all, was a house full of joyful children happily playing with their new toys. I guess that is not so bad.

I can't say that I am not happy for Christmas to be over. I insisted upon taking down our tree yesterday and I was thrilled to have it outside of our house. I am happy to get back to our life with a few new toys. Hopefully we will fill this last week of "vacation" from school with play dates and the new year will begin.

I am going to make a list of things I hope to fill my life with in 2010. Why not? I bought a class card for 10 yoga classes in 3 months, so first in my list is more yoga. I need more Om Shanti in my life, so I am hoping to have a better yoga practice (inspired by my lovely friend Melissa!). I also hope to spend more time doing crafty things with my kids. My family gave us lots of crafty things for Christmas, so I plan to put them to use. I also want to eat more vegetarian/vegan. My mom bought me a vegan cookbook and I hope to incorporate some new dishes into my repertoire. I've got some other hopes and plans and feel, although it is so cliche, the New Year is a good time for a fresh beginning. Let's bring it on.

Mommiversary

Sofia turned five last week and I can hardly believe it. I have been a mother for five years. This feels like a big moment. I have felt more nostalgic, more reflective than usual this birthday.

This cold, damp weather reminds of those first sweet weeks with Sofia when we would bundle her tiny body up in a fluffy bear suit that was all too big, put her in the bjorn and take a long walk around Emeryville. The streets were quiet, the sun shone bright, and I could hear every breath she took. Within moments of meeting Sofia, I could not imagine my life without her. So much love, I thought I would burst.

But it was hard. I cried a lot. I had the "baby blues" and felt like I could not do it. I had moments where it all felt like too much and I felt like I was failing. I had no idea how this would change everything, the core of my being. That first time is such a transition. That first time is so big. So crazy. So amazing.

I only had 14 months with Sofia as our only child. I remember the night before Luca's birth, Brian and I sat on the couch with Sofia. We snuggled in tightly, reading books for the last time as a family of three. I cried. I felt such a sadness for this sweet baby who would never remember these moments where she had her mommy and daddy all to herself. I still feel sadness for Sofia and for Luca and Silvio, that they somehow don't get enough of us. But I know they love each other and they feel comfort each others' company. But I can't help but feel my heart ache when I get to the end of the day and realize that I did not play with Luca for more than 5 minutes. Does he know what he is missing? Maybe.

I feel settled into motherhood after five years. I am more confident in my parenting than ever and feel ready to move towards all 3 kids in school. Sofia begins kindergarten and Silvio will start preschool. I am almost there. Some days I fumble through the day without any patience at all but I get through.

On Sofia's birthday, we took some time together as a family. At one point in the day, Brian and I were on our bed lounging around when Sofia ran into our room and squealed with excitement. She jumped on top of us, wrapped her tiny arms around our necks and said "I love you Mommy and Daddy so much. You are the best ever and I am so happy to have you!" At that moment, I feel full. Full of love. Full of joy. Full of Mommy.

Five years of motherhood. Five amazing years.

Reminders

I have no computer. The computer I use is Brian's work laptop which he takes to work every day. So, I never have time to blog. Now that Luca dropped his nap, I try to be out of the house most of the day so that the kids can run themselves into the ground before we head home. I feel like I am incredibly out of practice on the blog front and am struggling to find the words to summon up this crazy time of our lives. I am still touring kindergartens and feel somewhat numb about the whole thing at the moment. I have turned in 3 applications to Catholic schools and I am currently working on my "top 7" list for SFUSD. I am anxious to know how this will all turn out next spring. I know this will all work out and we will ultimately be in the right place. I have to believe it. If I put it out there, it will come back. At least, I think so.

I was reminded today of how incredibly blessed I am to have these 3 beautiful, healthy children. My sister, who is almost 24 weeks along, ended in up the hospital today after 2 recent episodes of bleeding. When my brother-in-law called me this morning, my heart sank. Brian took most of the day off, so that I could be there with she and Dave at the hospital as the waited to talk to the OB and the Perinatologist. She will have to be on bed rest for a few weeks and then she can possibly be on modified bed rest. It is all really touch and go through the rest of the pregnancy.

She is worried, stressed, and sad about all of this and I just feel terrible. And grateful. I feel like I took my healthy, breezy pregnancies for granted. It seems like it is such a simple process. You get pregnant, your belly grows, you get a bit uncomfortable, then you have your healthy baby. Simple. I had some little bumps and concerns along the way with both boys' pregnancies, but nothing was grave and landed me in the hospital. As I sat there with her today, I felt humbled by the amazing process the body takes on to grow this life. I know she will be okay, but this is a long road and one full of worry and anxiety. I came home today and took a moment to kiss and love on each of my three beautiful babies.

The other day as Silvio and I were reading books. I asked him for a kiss and he quickly shook his head and said "no." But he then leaned in to me and said "love you." I melted.

Today, I am reminded of the grace, the complexity, the fragility of motherhood from the beginning until now. It continues every day. Although the reminder comes in an unwelcoming way, I still feel so grateful for the simplicity of how I arrived.