Hold On

Months keep flipping by and I am trying to figure out where this year has gone. It is almost October and the Holidays are around the corner. My calendar is full of kindergarten tours and preschool functions. There doesn't seem to be a day that is completely free of commitments. I often feel like my head is spinning with the weight of all of these duties that I struggle to be present in the moment. I am teaching at Mercy on Saturdays and teaching at a gymnastics club on Mondays. I love teaching and choreographing but it does also make the burden of duty a bit heftier.

Amid all of the rushing around and swirling thoughts, I am trying to remember how fleeting each moment can be. Silvio is walking and talking up a storm. Tonight as we were reading books, he kept mumbling something before he was saying "book." After about 3 times of saying it, I realized he was saying, "how about this book." So cute. So amazing. My little guy is communicating and engaging with the world in a new way. I revel in each of these small words, phrases and I try to hold on to exactly what it sounds like. By the third child, I know how quickly it all changes. I want to hold on to him right now. I want to stay right here and live is his thumb-sucking, squeaking, snuggly, nug-ness. He runs around the house calling out to me or Luca ("aca") to play with him or chase him. Today at the park, Sofia, Luca, Silvio and I were playing soccer and as soon as the kids had run off, Silvio grabbed the ball, brought it to me and said "Mommy, occer." He tends to leave the first letter off of most words. He had never said that word before. I feel like every day he has new words and I am just trying to keep up. To listen. To remember. To take in. To close my eyes and breath it in. To hold on.

Maiden Voyage

At the beginning of September, I went on a 5-day, 4-night trip by myself to Maui. Well, not totally by myself, but I went without my husband and children. I spent so much time obsessing about how this trip was too long and how I did not know how to get through so many days without my family. I have never been away from the kids for that long, but more than that, I had never been away from Brian for more than 2 days. In the 9 years that we have been together, we have spent a mere 5 nights apart. So, this trip was quite a new experience for me.

I cried all morning before I left and could not stop weeping at the airport. As I was talking to Jen before I boarded the plane, she reminded me that this was a good thing for me; to have the space from my life and to breathe. I knew this was going to be hard, but I wanted to focus on how incredible it would be to be alone. Jen was so supportive (as usual) and helped me to relax and focus on all that I was gaining rather than focusing on leaving my sweet family behind. I got on the plane and ended up sitting next to the most gorgeous family. As I was sitting down, this woman looked at me with a look of complete panic. I reassured her that I have three kids and understand what it is like to travel. She was immediately relieved and we were bonded as moms. We talked kids and family for most of the trip. I felt a slight pang of guilt and sadness. I missed my family and for a moment wished they were on the plane, heading to the Maui beach with me. Well, maybe I did not miss them that much on the plane. I read a trashy mag and listened to music. That felt pretty amazing. I forgot how nice it was to have the freedom to do what I wanted in the moment.

I had and amazing trip. It was absolutely amazing to see Whitney. I miss her so much and tried to revel in the 4 days we had together. I met her friends, her man, and had dinner where she works. It was so great to be a part of her world even if it was for just a few days. And I loved having time with Megan to catch up and have some real girl time. We parasailed, snorkeled, and swam. I absolutely loved being in the water and tried to spend as much time as possible floating and listening to my breath in the water. I felt grounded, relaxed, and free. I missed my children but missed Brian more than anything. I talked to the kids every day, but they had so many fun activities that they didn't seem to miss me much. They are so connected to Brian that I knew they would be just fine. I was shocked at how much I enjoyed the space. I did not miss changing diapers, washing sippy cups, making meals, or driving the mini van. I reconnected with a part of myself that has been hiding behind the mom. I felt elated and centered. I was so happy to come home to my beautiful family and smell the sweetness of each child's neck. I missed them deeply, but mommy needed a break. And mommy really needed to breath. Maui was amazing and I look forward to my next solo trip.