Milestones

I know that we are not supposed to compare our children to other children, but we all do it. We want to make sure that our children are developing properly and that we are dong everything we can to enhance and encourage learning and growth. So, naturally we look around us at other children to measure our child's progression. I compare Silvio to Sofia and Luca.
Sofia walked around 13.5 months while Luca walked at 11.5. Luca was incredibly verbal and was always ahead of the curve with all of his skills, so I never had to worry about him. Sofia was a bit slower with her vocabulary, but within a few months, she was talking up a storm and has not stopped since. So, then comes along the little Nug and one would think I would be fairly laid back about all of these milestones, but I'm not. More than anything, I sometimes feel like it is partially my fault that he is not walking nor speaking much. I do not have a lot of time with him because I am dividing my time between all three kids. Sofia and Luca are in a place where they need a lot of attention, and the Nug likes to play with a plastic bottle for an hour, so I tend to leave him be. He will be 18 months next week, and he is still not walking. He is called a baby at the park because he crawls around. I finally bought him shoes because I refused to buy him another pair of Robeez, so he will walk around holding one finger. As soon as I let go, he drops immediately to the ground. He has taken a step here and there but with much encouragement. He doesn't seem incredibly interested in walking and as wee approach that 18-month mark, I am feeling a bit uneasy. I know that he will walk, but it's hard not to feel nervous and anxious about these milestones.
Thankfully, the little guy has begun to say a few things here and there. He has signed over the last few months, but not consistently and on his own terms. Silvio does not parrot words, nor will he wave, smile, or clap on demand. He is definitely an independent spirit and a bit shy, so he will communicate when he feels ready to. This has been hard for me when I see other children his age using 2-3 words at a time, walking around, and waving at the universe. Silvio is not the social bug that Luca was and continues to be, nor is he the poised, articulate, emotionally connected little girl that Sofia is. Silvio is my little scientist and an observer who is fascinated by the way things fit together. He loves to draw and is almost holding his pen correctly. Yesterday he scooched over to the sink area, opened the cabinet, and put a piece of paper in the recycling bin. So, I know that he is definitely absorbing information; he is just not a performer. Over the last few days, he has begun to say "all done," "please," "up," "thank you," and "mama" and "dada." He is using all of these words regularly rather than the screaming and pointing he was using previously to get our attention. I like the words much better.
Silvio and I have such a deep connection and I need to remind myself of how incredibly unique this little guy is. He is teaching us to be patient, to take our time, and to believe in the small stuff. As 18 months comes and goes, I am holding close that the milestones are a framework that don't fit every child. The Nug is beyond that framework, and is working towards brilliance in his own way.

and so on and so on

We are in the middle of major construction and it just plain sucks. We are expanding our space and creating a master bedroom downstairs with a walk through area that will include laundry and a desk. We also have put in radiant heat throughout the house and a tankless water system. It will be amazing when it is done, but I have no idea when that will be. At any given time, there are 2 to 3 people downstairs banging, sawing, and listening to loud music. At this point there is no door to separate the downstairs, so the noise travels into our space and makes me crazy. as if three children do not create enough chaos, I am dealing with the constant hum of strange voices and machines. I feel like I am going crazy. One day, we didn't have hot water and the next day we had no water at all. Really not fun.
We all know that construction is mostly miserable, but for a stay-at-home mom with 3 kids who spends most of her time in her house, it is down right insane. I have been trying to leave every afternoon, so that we can have some space from all of it. I just have to remind myself of how great it will be when we have our own space downstairs and the kids have some more room upstairs. This will be the first time that we have a room without a crib in almost 5 years. We really have not had any space to ourselves since we have become parents, and that has always been hard for us. I am looking forward to a separate space that is not full of kids' stuff and maybe has some soothing quality to it. In our current situation, we are all on top of each other and I feel like it not only makes the kids incredibly anxious and crazy, it makes us feel suffocated. We literally cannot breathe. I just hope that this all ends soon and we can settle into a more expansive house that gives us a little more room to relax and grow.
Sofia is thrilled to have her own room and Luca wants to paint the boys' room black (his favorite color). I think we will have to settle for a black stripe. Sofia is very nervous about us being downstairs and tells everyone that she will have a microphone so that we will hear her when she needs us. I know that our home is transforming into a better space for our family, but the process is a bit grueling. Sofia has even yelled at the workers down the stairs to "STOP making SO much NOISE!" She struggles with the noise and I try to tell her that yelling at them, is not very nice and won't make them stop any way. She always asks me when this will all end. If only I knew.

Reclaim

After a few years of unrelenting pregnancy and parenting, I am finally attempting to reclaim some of the pre-mommy person I once identified with. I am dancing more. I took two dance classes over the last week, taught a dance intensive, taught at a gymnastics club, and I am beginning to choreograph a piece with Lizette for a fall performance. All of this dancing has made me feel more grounded, more free, and more myself. I actually feel high after teaching and taking class. For those 2 hours or so, I do not think about anything else but being in my body. I am not a mother or a wife, but I am a mover and a feeler. It is such an amazing release and I am so grateful for that connection. I look forward to the next few months full of rehearsal, sweat, sore muscles, and creative energy. All of this dance feels like a reclamation, a deeper connection to the soulful mama embracing this journey more fully every day.

Tired Mommy

I don't know why I have been feeling so darn exhausted lately. I am desperately trying to find a reason. Is it because Luca is beginning to drop his nap? Is it the night wake ups from any one of the kids? Is the the 14 plus-hour days? Is it the fact that I take care of 3 kids every day without any child care? Who knows. All I know is that I feel like I am running on empty and I don't seem to be able to find that feeling of fullness, of replenishment.

I guess that is what I get for having 3 kids in 4 years. The worst thing about it all is that nobody wants to take care of 3 kids. Two was somehow manageable but three puts everyone over the edge, so we are left without much help and can't afford any other help. Boo hoo. I guess I am sounding like a complete pathetic, complainer, but I am tired. Wait. Did I say I was tired? To make matters even more difficult, Sofia and Luca seem to be fighting more and more every day. I swear I need a striped shirt and a whistle so that I could at least feel more official. They argue over everything from who gets to the sink first to wash hands (I guess I should be happy that they fight over hand washing) to who gets to sit in one particular corner of the couch. Come on. I am quite aware that this is all so normal but it is still so annoying! When another mom says something like "it must be so nice to have your kids close together," I just want to scream! Yes, there are some wonderful benefits, like the 3 minutes that they play cooperatively together but overall I am constantly dealing with their disagreements. UGH. They just are in a tough place and I am trying to get through this without yelling at them constantly.

We had a speaker at our last school meeting who discussed "how to not yell at your children." I sat there and felt ashamed, guilty, and awful about the fact that I yell a fair amount at these kids. I try to use my rational, nice voice, but I end up yelling because nobody listens. This speaker discussed the reason why people yell. Exhaustion. Check. Hunger. Check. Anxiety. Check. Well, at least I know the reasons why I struggle. I try to take a deep breath and release some of the frustration before I lose it, but it doesn't always work out for me, especially when Luca has pushed the Nug or taken Sofia lovie and thrown it across the room. Parenting is so hard. I spend most of time in therapy talking about how to be a better mother to these 3, incredibly unique children. I want more than anything to be the most grounded, genuine, and honest mother to them. I just wish I could have a week at a spa to feel rejuvenated and rested. There is nothing more I want in life than a fluffy white robe and cucumber water. Sigh. For the moment, I will settle for a glass of wine and a rerun of Oprah.