Tired Mommy

I don't know why I have been feeling so darn exhausted lately. I am desperately trying to find a reason. Is it because Luca is beginning to drop his nap? Is it the night wake ups from any one of the kids? Is the the 14 plus-hour days? Is it the fact that I take care of 3 kids every day without any child care? Who knows. All I know is that I feel like I am running on empty and I don't seem to be able to find that feeling of fullness, of replenishment.

I guess that is what I get for having 3 kids in 4 years. The worst thing about it all is that nobody wants to take care of 3 kids. Two was somehow manageable but three puts everyone over the edge, so we are left without much help and can't afford any other help. Boo hoo. I guess I am sounding like a complete pathetic, complainer, but I am tired. Wait. Did I say I was tired? To make matters even more difficult, Sofia and Luca seem to be fighting more and more every day. I swear I need a striped shirt and a whistle so that I could at least feel more official. They argue over everything from who gets to the sink first to wash hands (I guess I should be happy that they fight over hand washing) to who gets to sit in one particular corner of the couch. Come on. I am quite aware that this is all so normal but it is still so annoying! When another mom says something like "it must be so nice to have your kids close together," I just want to scream! Yes, there are some wonderful benefits, like the 3 minutes that they play cooperatively together but overall I am constantly dealing with their disagreements. UGH. They just are in a tough place and I am trying to get through this without yelling at them constantly.

We had a speaker at our last school meeting who discussed "how to not yell at your children." I sat there and felt ashamed, guilty, and awful about the fact that I yell a fair amount at these kids. I try to use my rational, nice voice, but I end up yelling because nobody listens. This speaker discussed the reason why people yell. Exhaustion. Check. Hunger. Check. Anxiety. Check. Well, at least I know the reasons why I struggle. I try to take a deep breath and release some of the frustration before I lose it, but it doesn't always work out for me, especially when Luca has pushed the Nug or taken Sofia lovie and thrown it across the room. Parenting is so hard. I spend most of time in therapy talking about how to be a better mother to these 3, incredibly unique children. I want more than anything to be the most grounded, genuine, and honest mother to them. I just wish I could have a week at a spa to feel rejuvenated and rested. There is nothing more I want in life than a fluffy white robe and cucumber water. Sigh. For the moment, I will settle for a glass of wine and a rerun of Oprah.