Mommiversary

Sofia turned five last week and I can hardly believe it. I have been a mother for five years. This feels like a big moment. I have felt more nostalgic, more reflective than usual this birthday.

This cold, damp weather reminds of those first sweet weeks with Sofia when we would bundle her tiny body up in a fluffy bear suit that was all too big, put her in the bjorn and take a long walk around Emeryville. The streets were quiet, the sun shone bright, and I could hear every breath she took. Within moments of meeting Sofia, I could not imagine my life without her. So much love, I thought I would burst.

But it was hard. I cried a lot. I had the "baby blues" and felt like I could not do it. I had moments where it all felt like too much and I felt like I was failing. I had no idea how this would change everything, the core of my being. That first time is such a transition. That first time is so big. So crazy. So amazing.

I only had 14 months with Sofia as our only child. I remember the night before Luca's birth, Brian and I sat on the couch with Sofia. We snuggled in tightly, reading books for the last time as a family of three. I cried. I felt such a sadness for this sweet baby who would never remember these moments where she had her mommy and daddy all to herself. I still feel sadness for Sofia and for Luca and Silvio, that they somehow don't get enough of us. But I know they love each other and they feel comfort each others' company. But I can't help but feel my heart ache when I get to the end of the day and realize that I did not play with Luca for more than 5 minutes. Does he know what he is missing? Maybe.

I feel settled into motherhood after five years. I am more confident in my parenting than ever and feel ready to move towards all 3 kids in school. Sofia begins kindergarten and Silvio will start preschool. I am almost there. Some days I fumble through the day without any patience at all but I get through.

On Sofia's birthday, we took some time together as a family. At one point in the day, Brian and I were on our bed lounging around when Sofia ran into our room and squealed with excitement. She jumped on top of us, wrapped her tiny arms around our necks and said "I love you Mommy and Daddy so much. You are the best ever and I am so happy to have you!" At that moment, I feel full. Full of love. Full of joy. Full of Mommy.

Five years of motherhood. Five amazing years.