Winter and Such

Sofia was really into Christmas this year. Of course she has always loved the tree and getting a ton of presents but she really understood the folklore of Santa this year so it was extra fun. She wrote notes to Santa, bought him a special cup for his milk, made special cookies for him, and even put up signs for him so that he would know where the tree was (especially like that one). She was very curious about how Santa would get into our house since we do not have a chimney. She and Brian decided that we would leave a window open for him, but one that was big enough. She had it all planned out. Of course the kids woke up at 5am, but Brian made them wait for a while before they opened their gifts. Luca was up first because he was so excited for Christmas. It was sweet.
We do not exchange gifts with each other nor with my family. We are on such a tight budget that it seems excessive for us to buy gifts for each other. Christmas is truly for the children and we focus on their joy in all of this. I still struggle with the excess of it all. Brian and I often disagree on how many gifts we give the kids. This year we agreed to give stocking stuffers from Santa and 2 larger gifts from us. I thought that was plenty since they would get a ton of stuff from my mom, dad, and sister. And indeed they did. At the end of it all, was a house full of joyful children happily playing with their new toys. I guess that is not so bad.

I can't say that I am not happy for Christmas to be over. I insisted upon taking down our tree yesterday and I was thrilled to have it outside of our house. I am happy to get back to our life with a few new toys. Hopefully we will fill this last week of "vacation" from school with play dates and the new year will begin.

I am going to make a list of things I hope to fill my life with in 2010. Why not? I bought a class card for 10 yoga classes in 3 months, so first in my list is more yoga. I need more Om Shanti in my life, so I am hoping to have a better yoga practice (inspired by my lovely friend Melissa!). I also hope to spend more time doing crafty things with my kids. My family gave us lots of crafty things for Christmas, so I plan to put them to use. I also want to eat more vegetarian/vegan. My mom bought me a vegan cookbook and I hope to incorporate some new dishes into my repertoire. I've got some other hopes and plans and feel, although it is so cliche, the New Year is a good time for a fresh beginning. Let's bring it on.

Mommiversary

Sofia turned five last week and I can hardly believe it. I have been a mother for five years. This feels like a big moment. I have felt more nostalgic, more reflective than usual this birthday.

This cold, damp weather reminds of those first sweet weeks with Sofia when we would bundle her tiny body up in a fluffy bear suit that was all too big, put her in the bjorn and take a long walk around Emeryville. The streets were quiet, the sun shone bright, and I could hear every breath she took. Within moments of meeting Sofia, I could not imagine my life without her. So much love, I thought I would burst.

But it was hard. I cried a lot. I had the "baby blues" and felt like I could not do it. I had moments where it all felt like too much and I felt like I was failing. I had no idea how this would change everything, the core of my being. That first time is such a transition. That first time is so big. So crazy. So amazing.

I only had 14 months with Sofia as our only child. I remember the night before Luca's birth, Brian and I sat on the couch with Sofia. We snuggled in tightly, reading books for the last time as a family of three. I cried. I felt such a sadness for this sweet baby who would never remember these moments where she had her mommy and daddy all to herself. I still feel sadness for Sofia and for Luca and Silvio, that they somehow don't get enough of us. But I know they love each other and they feel comfort each others' company. But I can't help but feel my heart ache when I get to the end of the day and realize that I did not play with Luca for more than 5 minutes. Does he know what he is missing? Maybe.

I feel settled into motherhood after five years. I am more confident in my parenting than ever and feel ready to move towards all 3 kids in school. Sofia begins kindergarten and Silvio will start preschool. I am almost there. Some days I fumble through the day without any patience at all but I get through.

On Sofia's birthday, we took some time together as a family. At one point in the day, Brian and I were on our bed lounging around when Sofia ran into our room and squealed with excitement. She jumped on top of us, wrapped her tiny arms around our necks and said "I love you Mommy and Daddy so much. You are the best ever and I am so happy to have you!" At that moment, I feel full. Full of love. Full of joy. Full of Mommy.

Five years of motherhood. Five amazing years.

Reminders

I have no computer. The computer I use is Brian's work laptop which he takes to work every day. So, I never have time to blog. Now that Luca dropped his nap, I try to be out of the house most of the day so that the kids can run themselves into the ground before we head home. I feel like I am incredibly out of practice on the blog front and am struggling to find the words to summon up this crazy time of our lives. I am still touring kindergartens and feel somewhat numb about the whole thing at the moment. I have turned in 3 applications to Catholic schools and I am currently working on my "top 7" list for SFUSD. I am anxious to know how this will all turn out next spring. I know this will all work out and we will ultimately be in the right place. I have to believe it. If I put it out there, it will come back. At least, I think so.

I was reminded today of how incredibly blessed I am to have these 3 beautiful, healthy children. My sister, who is almost 24 weeks along, ended in up the hospital today after 2 recent episodes of bleeding. When my brother-in-law called me this morning, my heart sank. Brian took most of the day off, so that I could be there with she and Dave at the hospital as the waited to talk to the OB and the Perinatologist. She will have to be on bed rest for a few weeks and then she can possibly be on modified bed rest. It is all really touch and go through the rest of the pregnancy.

She is worried, stressed, and sad about all of this and I just feel terrible. And grateful. I feel like I took my healthy, breezy pregnancies for granted. It seems like it is such a simple process. You get pregnant, your belly grows, you get a bit uncomfortable, then you have your healthy baby. Simple. I had some little bumps and concerns along the way with both boys' pregnancies, but nothing was grave and landed me in the hospital. As I sat there with her today, I felt humbled by the amazing process the body takes on to grow this life. I know she will be okay, but this is a long road and one full of worry and anxiety. I came home today and took a moment to kiss and love on each of my three beautiful babies.

The other day as Silvio and I were reading books. I asked him for a kiss and he quickly shook his head and said "no." But he then leaned in to me and said "love you." I melted.

Today, I am reminded of the grace, the complexity, the fragility of motherhood from the beginning until now. It continues every day. Although the reminder comes in an unwelcoming way, I still feel so grateful for the simplicity of how I arrived.

Right Place

Sofia is in her last year of preschool so we are looking for a new school for our family. As much as I can't believe on some level that she is going to be 5 in December, she is so ready for kindergarten. She loves her preschool workbooks and sits for hours drawing shapes and sounding out letters. I know that she is going to love kindergarten. I have dreaded this process since I have watched so many parents at our school become so stressed as they toured schools and discussed the infamous lottery process we have here in the public schools. So as the fall approached, I braced myself for an intense and anxiety-provoking experience. So far, I have felt overwhelmed and emotional about it all.
I have toured 5 schools and have about 8 more to go. I am looking at both public and Catholic schools and I am feeling very unsettled about where I see our family fitting in. I know that we relate to the communities of many of these public schools, but I am terrified of the huge middle schools and don't know if I want to transition Sofia at that point. I have about 2 tours per week for the next few weeks and many applications to fill out. I like the public schools and often see our family "fitting in" much better than we would at a Catholic school, but I love the feel of some of the Catholic schools. I don't know. And thankfully, I don't have to know until we receive our letters in March from San Francisco Unified. I just want Sofia to feel comfortable and at ease in a new school. Sofia continues to be an emotional and sensitive little girl, absorbing so much of the energy around her. So I need to make sure she feels safe. She can also be quite outgoing and social, so I know she will make friends quickly. Her newest expression is "whatever, mom." I might add, she says it the exact intonation of a teenager. I think it is hilarious but I am also terrified of what she might say 10 years from now. Yikes. For now, I take in all of the kissing and snuggling and the way she says, "I want you to be my mommy forever." I know she may not feel that way at some point in the not-too-near-future. Or maybe she will. I can hope. For now, she is heading toward a new school and a new experience. I know she is ready and we are as well.
At the end of the day, I just want our family to feel connected to our school community. At this point, I have no idea where that might be, but I know that it will work out. I am putting all that good energy out there for a loving, safe, and nurturing school for all of us. I know it will come back to me. At least, I hope.

Hold On

Months keep flipping by and I am trying to figure out where this year has gone. It is almost October and the Holidays are around the corner. My calendar is full of kindergarten tours and preschool functions. There doesn't seem to be a day that is completely free of commitments. I often feel like my head is spinning with the weight of all of these duties that I struggle to be present in the moment. I am teaching at Mercy on Saturdays and teaching at a gymnastics club on Mondays. I love teaching and choreographing but it does also make the burden of duty a bit heftier.

Amid all of the rushing around and swirling thoughts, I am trying to remember how fleeting each moment can be. Silvio is walking and talking up a storm. Tonight as we were reading books, he kept mumbling something before he was saying "book." After about 3 times of saying it, I realized he was saying, "how about this book." So cute. So amazing. My little guy is communicating and engaging with the world in a new way. I revel in each of these small words, phrases and I try to hold on to exactly what it sounds like. By the third child, I know how quickly it all changes. I want to hold on to him right now. I want to stay right here and live is his thumb-sucking, squeaking, snuggly, nug-ness. He runs around the house calling out to me or Luca ("aca") to play with him or chase him. Today at the park, Sofia, Luca, Silvio and I were playing soccer and as soon as the kids had run off, Silvio grabbed the ball, brought it to me and said "Mommy, occer." He tends to leave the first letter off of most words. He had never said that word before. I feel like every day he has new words and I am just trying to keep up. To listen. To remember. To take in. To close my eyes and breath it in. To hold on.

Maiden Voyage

At the beginning of September, I went on a 5-day, 4-night trip by myself to Maui. Well, not totally by myself, but I went without my husband and children. I spent so much time obsessing about how this trip was too long and how I did not know how to get through so many days without my family. I have never been away from the kids for that long, but more than that, I had never been away from Brian for more than 2 days. In the 9 years that we have been together, we have spent a mere 5 nights apart. So, this trip was quite a new experience for me.

I cried all morning before I left and could not stop weeping at the airport. As I was talking to Jen before I boarded the plane, she reminded me that this was a good thing for me; to have the space from my life and to breathe. I knew this was going to be hard, but I wanted to focus on how incredible it would be to be alone. Jen was so supportive (as usual) and helped me to relax and focus on all that I was gaining rather than focusing on leaving my sweet family behind. I got on the plane and ended up sitting next to the most gorgeous family. As I was sitting down, this woman looked at me with a look of complete panic. I reassured her that I have three kids and understand what it is like to travel. She was immediately relieved and we were bonded as moms. We talked kids and family for most of the trip. I felt a slight pang of guilt and sadness. I missed my family and for a moment wished they were on the plane, heading to the Maui beach with me. Well, maybe I did not miss them that much on the plane. I read a trashy mag and listened to music. That felt pretty amazing. I forgot how nice it was to have the freedom to do what I wanted in the moment.

I had and amazing trip. It was absolutely amazing to see Whitney. I miss her so much and tried to revel in the 4 days we had together. I met her friends, her man, and had dinner where she works. It was so great to be a part of her world even if it was for just a few days. And I loved having time with Megan to catch up and have some real girl time. We parasailed, snorkeled, and swam. I absolutely loved being in the water and tried to spend as much time as possible floating and listening to my breath in the water. I felt grounded, relaxed, and free. I missed my children but missed Brian more than anything. I talked to the kids every day, but they had so many fun activities that they didn't seem to miss me much. They are so connected to Brian that I knew they would be just fine. I was shocked at how much I enjoyed the space. I did not miss changing diapers, washing sippy cups, making meals, or driving the mini van. I reconnected with a part of myself that has been hiding behind the mom. I felt elated and centered. I was so happy to come home to my beautiful family and smell the sweetness of each child's neck. I missed them deeply, but mommy needed a break. And mommy really needed to breath. Maui was amazing and I look forward to my next solo trip.

Reflections on a Bad Mother (Part 1)

A few days ago, my dear friend, Kristen handed me a book and said "you have to read this book...you will love it." She had told me about this book written by a women she knows who lives in Berkeley. Kristen told me that she could not put it down and wants me to read it so we can talk all about it. So I began reading Bad Mother by Ayelet Waldman two days ago and I am trying to find every free moment to read. I love it. I remember seeing Ayelet on Oprah a few years ago because I was so intrigued by her words, her position as a mother. She wrote an essay a few years ago where she said that she loved her husband more than her children. This caused great backlash from all around the country and she was brought onto Oprah to discuss her feelings and reasoning behind this "crazy" idea. So many women were disgusted, appalled and even went on to say that her children should be taken away from her. I thought she was so brave, so honest and I loved everything about her.

Now, I am reveling in her words as she describes the way in which mothers criticize each other and will do anything to make themselves somehow feel like a "Good Mother" even if that means belittling and attacking other mothers. Waldman discusses how quickly everyone jumps on the band wagon to condemn Britney Spears and other Bad Mothers. Yes, she made some mistakes, but why is there the need to crush her and attack her mothering in such a nasty and cunning way. She talks about how we often revel in the darkness of other mothers because it does make us feel better, like a Good Mother.

I have always been honest on this journey. I don't think it wins me many "mom friends" but I don't know of any other way to exist in this crazy world of motherhood. I have no trouble disciplining my children in public nor being impatient at the park for fear of a nasty look from the mom at the swings. I think most moms sound ridiculous when they talk to their kids about being "nice" and "sharing." We have become so worried about sounding like a Bad Mother that we have gone in the other direction of enabling our kids by using a sticky sweet tone to tell our child not to hit. Come on.

Just today, I was in Bernal Heights on my way to the consignment store when a nice man waved me into the bookstore for story time. I thought maybe it would be fun, but as I noticed the seats full of toddlers around Silvio's age, I wondered if maybe this would not be the greatest situation for Sofia and Luca. Here's the back story: I think that mothers of toddlers can sometimes misunderstand the brain of a 4-year-old. Over the last few weeks I have a had more than one mother scold my children for disrupting their child. If I wasn't across the park, I would have given these mothers quite a few words, but I let it go. But I was angry. So today, when Sofia got up for one second to look at a book, this little 1-year-old sat in her chair. Sofia comes back to the chair and says "I was sitting there." The mom told her that we "take turns" and now it's her daughter's turn. What? I was furious. So you are telling me that if your daughter was there first and got up and Sofia sat down that you would let it slide? Yeah right! Sofia was completely accommodating and I said "that's fine" in the nicest way I could which did not sound very nice in the the least. Great job teaching your daughter to take turns.

I just feel like so often I need to defend my energetic, kinetic children from the self-righteous, indignant mothers out there. And I need to protect myself from feeling like a failure when my children don't do exactly what they should every moment of the day. I am not perfect, but neither is any other mother out there, so let's all just relax and embrace each other. This book has been so validating for me in so many ways. I am not even done with it yet, so I know I will have much more to say, to reflect upon as I continue to read. I already called Kristen yesterday and we chatted for a few hours about this book. She is such a great source of support, love, and understanding for me as a mother. I share all of my "dirty secrets" with her and never feel judged. Even though we have chosen to parent differently, we have always been able to support each other. I can tell her that my kids watched 3 hours of television because I was too tired to deal or that I gave the Nug a bag of jelly beans because I did not want him to scream at the store. I know that doesn't sound that extreme, but mothers can be so judgmental about things like TV and candy that I feel like I have to hide the truth. I always feel a bit ashamed when I talk about how much TV they watch, but really why does it matter what I do? I have three kids under the age of 5 and I have no help. It is what it is. When I call Kristen, I never feel like I have to hide a thing, and I know she feels the same. I am so thankful for that.

Why do we feel we all have to be perfect? Waldman talks about how when asked to describe the "perfect mother" often times women will list qualities such as "an infinite amount of patience, always loving and caring, always put their children first." All of these qualities amount to June Cleaver; to a person who does not exist. I know that I feel like a failure more than once a day because I feel this pressure to be a better mother. At our preschool, I definitely feel incredibly incompetent as a mother and a teacher. I love their school and it is a great place for our family but I feel like I can't do enough. There are so many go getter parents who seem to make the best lunches, come up with the most amazing projects, read a billion books to their children, maintain a garden, and conquer the world all in 4 hours. I kind of feel like train wreck half of the time I am there. I can't do extra things for the school because my hands are full taking care of three kids and myself, when possible. I just continue to remind myself that I can only do what works for me and my family and I move on. At least I find some validation in this book.

We all love our children and that is all that matters. We have to find our own ways of embracing motherhood. I know that I want my children to see me as a human being who fails, falls, and gets up. Sometimes I loose my temper with the kids and yell but I always apologize (even when I feel like I am going to vomit because I am stubborn) and explain to them that we all get upset and angry sometimes. I often blame myself for their behavior but I know that I am doing the best I can in my extreme situation (thank you to my therapist for validating that one). I try to forgive myself for the falls and praise myself for the victories. Sofia and Luca are wonderful little beings who are sensitive, loving, and polite most of the time. Sometimes they push, sometimes they scream, sometimes they hurt each other, but at the end of the day they are amazing kids. Maybe I am a Bad Mother in all of its greatness, messiness, and honesty. I can't wait to finish the book.