Loving the City

I grew up in San Francisco, so sometimes it's hard to be objective about this town, but I just love living here. I thinking the 3 years in Oakland really allowed Brian and I the space to appreciate life in the city. Although parking was so easy in Oakland, we constantly missed the energy of the city. We would go out to dinner at a popular restaurant and there was no excitement, nor any real vibe. Brian and I both thrive on the energy of a city, even as parents. When we bought our home last year, so many people were shocked that we were moving from the East Bay back to the city since most people move out of the city once they start a family. They want bigger homes, more sidewalk space for strollers, and more "family-friendly" places. Whatever. That's all fine and dandy for other East Bay folks, but we feel more alive, more connected in San Francisco. I never realized how disconnected I felt in Oakland until I moved back. Although I had an amazing support group of moms and my dearest friend, Kristen (who I miss constantly), in Oakland, I felt like we had nothing else. Brian worked in the city and my family was here, so I felt unsettled. We moved into a smaller house in a quiet neighborhood on the edge of the city where I grew up, and we couldn't be happier. Well, I guess we would love some more space, but we are willing to make some compensations for life in the big city. More than anything, we love taking our kids to all of the wonderful attractions that San Francisco has to offer. Luca loves the train at the Zoo (see above) and we most recently went to the newly renovated Academy of Sciences which is simply breathtaking (also above!). Brian and I love our little home and are thrilled that our children are growing up in such an exhilarating, culturally diverse, and simply beautiful city.

Christmas Hesitation

For some reason, I have struggled to get into the Christmas spirit. One would think that having 3 children around, two of which squeal with delight when they see any sort of Christmas decoration, would somehow ignite that excitement about Christmas. Unfortunately, I can't seem to find that place. Maybe my discontent with the Christmas spirit resides with my resistance to the American ideal of abundance and materialism. I guess I am a minimalist and I don't like a lot of stuff. If I had my way, my house would be clear of all clutter (which is impossible with 3 kids in a 850 square foot house). As my children are becoming more and more aware of the gift-giving tradition of Christmas, they can't seem to stop talking about all of the presents they are going to get from Santa. I know this is quite normal, but I can't help but feel a twinge of disgust. Maybe that sounds a bit strong but I want nothing more than to raise my children with a strong sense of appreciation for what they have and a sense of gratitude for all of the things we have in our lives that are not material. As they unwrap gifts, they tear the paper off and simply glance at the content for a split second before they are intensely focused on opening the next gift. This is normal behavior for a 4-year-old, but I can't help but wonder if I could somehow affect this desire for more and more. Every time we go into a store, Sofia will ask me "what are you going to buy me Mommy?" over and over again. When I tell her that we are not buying her anything but rather we are buying something for someone else, she screams and cries. I feel a pang of disgust and of shame, as if I have somehow contributed to her awful behavior. So, as we approach Christmas, I feel a bit anxious that my children will forget to say "thank you" and may not show any sort of appreciation for all of the wonderful gifts they are about to receive. Next year, I hope that we can find a way to approach Christmas with grace and try to incorporate some sort of tradition that focuses on the gratitude and simple joy that is truly at the heart of the Holiday Season. Hopefully, Sofia and Luca will revel in the love that surrounds them this year that comes in the form of train tracks and pretend make-up. Maybe next year we will find a way to revel more in the giving than in the receiving. We shall see.

My Little Guy

We all know that the Nug is my sweet little baby. I swear that he just gets cuter every day. I carry Silvio in the Ergo all of the time because I have the other kids in the double stroller. Where else would he go? Although he is carried out of necessity, I absolutely love having him snuggled into my chest. I often rub his chunky calves and give him tons of kisses in the folds of his neck (one of my favorite places). Every so often he leans back, looks at me, and grabs my face with his chubby paws. He then smiles and makes some cute sound. I just love it, even though most the time he is not very gentle and pulls my lip. This is the kind of stuff moms love.
My little Nug is not so little anymore. He is getting so big and is changing so much. He signed "more" the other day and I just about cried. He also love to clap especially when I sing to him The Nug has been doing things in his own way, and I am learning to be patient (once again). He is not crawling but he scooches on his butt. It is the funniest, quirkiest, cutest scooch I have ever seen. I will post a video of it sometime. Anyway, I am constantly reminded of how amazingly unique each child is in how they relate to the world. Silvio loves to take his time examining the tiniest things and often gets lost in his own little world. I am grateful for his attention, his willingness to take it all in, and his ability to reach out to us in so many ways. I am holding on tightly to every moment.

Four Years

Sofia is 4 today. I cannot believe that my first little baby came into the world four years ago. I keep thinking about that morning when I waddled into Labor and Delivery to check in for my C-section. I was scared, excited, anxious, and overwhelmed with emotion. My family was there to hang out with me before I went into the Operating Room. After a few hours of waiting, it was finally time. I had always envisioned myself being rolled into the OR, but I actually waddled my way into the room and hoisted myself onto the table. I had thought that Brian would come in with me, but they made him wait outside while they prepped me. I was terrified. You mean I have to go into this cold, bright room by myself? We were both stunned. I sat there quietly as I got my spinal which hurt a bit then they laid me down. I began to feel the affects of the anesthesia and my legs began to tingle. Within a few minutes, I couldn't move my legs and i felt like someone was stepping on my chest. I began to panic because I felt like I could not breathe and I did not know when the hell Brian was going to join me. Then I began to feel nauseous and really thought I was going to loose it. Just then, Brian finally was able to come into the OR and he immediately saw the sheer terror in my face. He was as terrified as me, since he had walked into the OR just as they had actually begun the surgery. I told him to talk to me so that I didn't have to think about what was going on with my body. Within 5 minutes they told us that the baby was almost out. Brian and I braced ourselves for the most amazing moment of our lives. Dr. Matthew then said, "Daddy, do you want to see what the baby is?" Brian stood up, a moment too soon and his face twisted...the baby was not out yet. I was staring at him, eagerly awaiting to know the sex of our little baby. Brian's face lit up and he smiled the most beautiful fatherly smile and said "it's a girl." Sofia immediately began to cry, and my heart filled with such love and joy. I could feel the energy pulsating through my body. This sweet moment changed my life in ways that I could not have imagined. In that moment, I met my beautiful little girl and I became a mother. Over the last four years, I have learned more about myself than I did in the 28 years prior. I have learned that patience is necessary, that hugs are incredibly healing, and that "I love you" can make your body shiver in the most amazing way. I never knew that becoming a mother would allow me to become more of myself and give me the opportunity to heal the deepest, darkest places. I never knew that my sweet little girl, whose name means "wisdom" would bring such harmony to Brian and I. Four years full of tears, sweat, mess, and pure joy. Happy Birthday, beautiful Sofia.

First Day

Luca started school last week. I have been waiting for this day for a long time because I have been dying for a bit of a break. When you have 3 kids, taking care of 1 is a huge break. I also have been longing for some one-on-one Nug time. He has been quite shafted in this family and has been stationed from day one. So the day finally came last week and he started out Sofia's amazing little school. I stayed with him the first day and it went as I expected. He is so incredibly comfortable there because he has spent so much time at school already. Our biggest challenge has been the potty training. Oh I love potty training. Sofia was a breeze, but this guy is quite challenging (such a surprise!). We started well o0ver a month ago and he still pees and poops all over the place. I feel like I have a puppy. I guess he is either not ready or is being his usual defiant self and is resisting our continuous requests. I knew he would have accidents at school and he did. He has now gone to school 3 days and has pooped in his pants each day. Thankfully the teachers are willing to work with him a bit and the parent teachers are so patient and understanding. I will absolutely die if he gets sent home. The first day I dropped him off, I went back to a quiet house since the Nug was sleeping and I cleaned and did laundry. When Silvio woke up, we went to Trader Joe's and took our time shopping. I got to sing songs to him and even talk to him! It was such a treat. As I expected, Luca loved going to school and didn't seem to mind being away from me at all. We just have this potty issue that I am hoping continues to improve as he sees other kids at school using it properly. I know that preschool is really going to help him understand how important it is to listen and possibly allow him a a great space to get out all of that kinetic energy he has. Sofia loves having her little brother at school and he feels safe knowing that his big sister is right inside. Luca is so social and has already begun to talk about "his friends." I am excited for this new chapter of his life and I am also selfishly thrilled to have some special time with my baby.