No longer a toothless smile

Silvio's first two teeth finally came in about two weeks ago after a lot of drool and blowing bubbles. He is so cute with his new teeth. I can't say I don't miss the toothless grins but alas, he must grow up. Just yesterday, Brian and I were talking about how we would love to freeze Silvio. He is so cuddly, smiley, giggly, and completely full of sweetness. The other morning I woke up at 5:00 AM to Silvio screaming. Brian was snoring a few feet from him...I don't get that at all. Anyway, I rushed to him and picked him up. He immediately stopped crying, reached up and gently touched my face, and said "ah, da, da." I smiled and talked to him while he continued to grab my face. He was looking straight into my eyes and babbling. It is hard to describe exactly how I feel in that moment; my body tingles, my heart pounds, and my eyes fill with tears. It is pure joy. Pure love. I feel more connected to a deep source of love that surrounds us. It didn't matter that I was groggy and tired, I was there with Silvio in that moment, sharing a most amazing moment of connection. There is somethig so soulful about Silvio; it's as if he understands something greater than me. He has always had this way of looking into my eyes in a deep way and communicating with me. Kristen and I talked about this little guy yesterday and she agrees that there is something extraordinary about Silvio. Maybe it's that he is my baby, but I know that he has completed my family in the most perfect way. And I know that he will only continue to give love in more ways than I can imagine. That is my Schnugums.

Tears

Sofia just started school last week (this is a picture of her on her first day back). Although she is still at Miraloma, she is now in the morning program so she has new teachers and new kids. Sofia was very attached to her teachers and her friend, Molly. She has not connected with any of the kids yet and still complains about going to school. This started a few months ago and I was hoping that maybe going to school in the morning versus the afternoon would help since she has much more energy at the beginning of the day. Although she get through her sadness a bit faster, she still is very unhappy at school. She spends a lot of time being sad and crying. Sometimes, I feel like I am torturing her by keeping her at school. I know this is a process but she has been going to school for over a year. She actually did much better last year. Sofia is such an incredibly sensitive child and takes in so much emotion that surrounds her.
Yesterday, we went over to my sister's housein the afternoon so that I could look at her wedding photos. We were in the back bedroom and heard the microwave go on. Stef ran into the kitchen but didn't think anything of it. Then we heard Luca began to scream. We both ran in to find his train and his monkey on fire in the microwave. Stef immediately ran to the sink and filled a glass of water and put out the fire. There was smoke everywhere and the kids were hysterical. They were terrified because they could feel how panicked we both were. It took us a while to calm them down. Luca could not stop saying "my lovie and my train are ruined." He must of said it 50 times meanwhile Sofia had a continual monologue about the fire, her feeling of shear terror and how sad she was. After 10 minutes of this, I tried to tell both of them to clam down and that we were all okay. Sofia then went on to say "mom, I just can't stop thinking about this, I can't." My sister and looked at each other and had a laugh. Sofia is obviously related to us. Apples. She continued to talk about the microwave incident the rest of the night. This morning I warned her teacher that she might talk about the microwave incident at some point today. Sure enough, when I picked her up, there was a note in my box that she had dictated to her teacher about the fire and how she "never wants to go to Auntie Steffie's house again." I think the intensity of my emotion just overwhelmed her and she is till reeling from that moment. Sofia is so incredibly in tune with any emotion that surrounds her. She can be so intuitive and self-aware for an almost 4-year-old which sometimes floors me. Brian and I both know how important it is for us to make her feel safe and to give her the space to express herself and talk about her feelings. She definitely has lots of tears but hopefully we help her to understand where they come from and how to move beyond.

Tales from the ER

Silvio woke up Friday morning with a fever. He was terribly miserable so I immediately called the doctor and made an appointment for that morning. He was quickly diagnosed with Hand, Foot, Mouth Disease once the doctor saw the horrible sores in his mouth. I knew about this weird virus because Sofia had it a few months ago. She also had sores in her mouth and did not want to eat or drink much for a few days. Other than that, she was fairly happy and healthy. Silvio, on the other hand, was a fussy mess. I could not get him to drink anything. As the day and night passed, he was not any better, even with around the clock Motrin. By Saturday afternoon, I began to get worried. He had had about 4 ounces in 24 hours and had only two barely wet diapers. Not a good sign. I decided to call the Urgent Care Clinic and she advised me to go in. At 8:00 pm on a warm Saturday night, I was pacing back in forth in a patient room with a very sad Silvio. The doctor noticed how miserable he was and began to check him. Once he looked in his ear, he diagnosed him with a bilateral ear infection. So this poor child not only had a mouth full of sores, but both of his ears were terribly infected. Well, it was no wonder he was not eating. The doctor went on to tell me how serious this is and that we were to force him to drink a teaspoon of Pedialyte every ten minutes all night. He told me that if he had had a fever, he would have sent us immediately to the ER. Okay, now I am somewhat in panic mode. We rushed to pharmacy to fill a prescription for the antibiotic and went home. Silvio was exhausted and feel asleep as soon as we got home. We let him sleep for a half hour and then woke him for his teaspoon of fluid. This was going to be awful. I began to worry. Brian and I then decided that is we were going to do this crazy regime all night, then we might as well be in the ER. It was then decided that I should just take him in. I packed a few things and tranferred a tired and weak Silvio to his carseat and off we went.
We got to the ER at 10:45 and registered. I noticed the room full of people, but thought that maybe we would be see within an hour. An hour passed and then another, and I began to panic. The group of drunk people began to annoy me. A few of them were there because a girl was bitten by a rat. They had killed the rat and had it in a clear plastic bag. Gross. Not only were they parading the rat around the ER waiting room, they would not stop making jokes about the rat, none of which were remotely funny. Some of the other folks were there because a guy cut his toes open. They were cracking jokes about discount pedicures. Again, they were not funny. All of this people were chatting loudly for over two hours. Needless to say, I found none of it amusing. Rather I found their loud conversation to be utterly obnoxious in a room full of people waiting to see a doctor. They even joked about going in before us, and I about lost it. I had a sick baby who would sleep for a few minutes and then suddenly would wake up screaming. Do you think they could have had some respect? None. Anyway, they only made this whole experience even harder than it already was. At one point, I broke down crying to Brian about how terrible our health care system is. I was a mess.
Finally after two and a half hours, they called us in so that we could wait another half hour to see the doctor. After looking at him for a minute, she tried to convince me that we should feed him. Yeah right. I had been trying to feed him for over a day and she thought that he was going to eat in this crazy place at 3:00 AM. After a moment of shoving a bottle in his mouth, she agreed to give him IV fluids. A nurse came in a few minutes later to start the IV. I asked him sternly if he had done many of these on babies. "Of course" he said firmly. Well, I was not about to let any amateur go poking around my chubby little babies arms. So it is incredibly difficult to even see a vein in Silvio's chubby arms and legs. My heart was racing. How was this gong to work? He finally found a vein in his foot and he went for it. I held Silvio's arms so that he would not flail. He looked at me intently and screamed bloody murder as if saying "how could you do this to me?" My heart was breaking into a million pieces. I want to protect him from all of this; from every bit of pain in this world. I guess that is part of being a mother- having this fundamental desire to keep your child from experiencing any pain. To make it worse, he could not find the vein after poking around and had to try the other foot. He finally found a vein and I breathed a sigh of relief. Silvio calmed down qiuckly and fell back to sleep. I layed down next to him and we napped for a while. It was so sweet to snuggle with the Nug. I was brought back to his birth and our first moments together. I reveled every second of that hour, taking in his sweet smell and rubbing his soft belly. Although it was so sweet to have this snuggle time, I wanted it under other circumstances. I just wanted to get through this. At about 5:00 AM, the doctor came in and took out the IV and told us we could go home. I gathered our things and we were home by 6AM. Silvio went straight to sleep since his poor body was exhausted from the long and grueling night. I was too. I went to bed and about 2 minutes later, I heard Luca's footsteps down the hall. Oh, the life of a mom.
After a few hours of rest, we still felt like Silvio was not himself. We hadn't seen him smile for days and he was beginning to look a bit listless. I called the advice line yet again, and she recommended that we head back to the ER. This time Brian came with me and we were seen within 20 minutes. He was cleared to go home with some new advice for medication. Later that afternoon, he took a bottle of formula and I had tears. I was so happy to see him on the road to recovery. I was so deeply worried about him. I felt like I was in crisis mode for a few days. All of my energy was focused on taking care of my baby. The Nug is about 95% himself as of today. He is smiling and babbling. I feel so incredibly grateful that he is better. Each smile just brings me an overwhelming amount of joy. It was only a few days of a very sick Silvio, but it was so intense. I thought of all of the parents of very sick children whose hearts must ache. I feel like this experience has deepened my understanding of being a mother. I have never felt such deep concern and such an intense desire to shield another being from any suffering. At the same time, I felt empowered by such great love. My children are only teaching me to love more fiercely and more deeply. These little beings come into our to only to change us in such dramatic ways and to help us understand the purity of joy and the depth of love. I'm not saying being a mother is easy in any way, but it sure is amazing. Thank you Sofia, Luca, and Silvio.

Rare Moment

It is extremely difficult to get all three children to hold still for even a split second, so we have very few pictures of all three together. Luca is the most difficult, wiggling and thrashing around. Gotta love boys. Silvio loves to stare at the camera, so we can take lots of great pictures of him. Sofia makes funny faces and often looks away. I caught all of three of them on our last day in Tahoe. I wanted to get a shot of the boys in their soccer shirts. I must say, I do love to dress those two the same every so often. It is just so cute and sweet. Luca does not quite realize that he has another companion in Silvio. Although one day about a month ago, we out a cute hat on Silvio and Luca looked at him and said, "he's going to play baseball with me!" He was so excited. Of course, Brian and I looked at each other and had to hold ourselves back from tearing. In that moment, Luca realized for the first time that Silvio was not going to be a baby forever and that he would be able to play with him some day. There is something so incredibly special about brothers, not that I have any experience in my life. I think that boys can have an amazing bond without any of the drama that girls sometimes have. Brian and I always talk about how awesome it will be to watch Luca and Silvio grow into this relationship as brothers. We often wonder how Sofia will fare as the boys grow closer, but we know that Sofia revels in her "girlness" and has no problem being the special girl in the family. I sometimes wonder why Brian and I both felt like we wanted a girl with Silvio. Not that we were disappointed in any way when we found out we were pregnant with a boy. I know that our family is perfect the way it is. I look at this picture and feel so grateful for these three special beings. I still can't quite believe it myself, that they are all mine. I am so blessed.

Paderino

Actually it's "padrino" which is Italian for Godfather. Around our house Prospero is Sofia's "padrino" and she only recently began saying it properly. It once was "paderino" which I find endearing. I have known Prospero since 1992, so we have a long history of friendship. He is more like family than a friend, especially since he has become a "padrino" to our sweet Sofia. The last few years, I have began to appreciate our relationship in a new way because he has embraced our children as his own. Not only have he and Brian become best friends, but he has become more like a brother to me. Whenever Sofia and Luca see him, they scream "padrino!" and run around in excitement. Needless to say, they love spending time with him. Prospero has joined us on a few vacations, including our trip to Italy in 2006 and our most recent trip to Lake Tahoe. Of course Brian and I love the company, and it's also nice to have an extra set of arms around! He even babysat for us on my birthday as a surprise so that Brian could take me out to dinner. I am so grateful for our Padrino and our friend. He has become such an important part of our family. It's just amazing to think we met on the corner of Masonic and Turk in 1992 because my he was a friend of my boyfriend at the time. He we are 16 years later, still friends and a "paderino" to our children. Pretty darn amazing.

Mama's Boy

We all know that I have it bad for Silvio. There is something about these sons of mine that just about melts my heart any time of day. Not that I do not feel the same way for Sofia, but she and I have a unique connection that only girls can experience. I will save that for another post. When I was first pregnant with Silvio, I went to see my Reiki Master, Kirsten. I was excited to see her because I wanted her take on the little being growing in my body. I had felt a lot of feminine energy, but it did not quite feel like a girl, so I was very confused. Kirsten first asked me what I thought I was having, and I told her about this mixed message I was experiencing, and she laughed and said "Oh, well, it's a boy with a lot of feminine energy." Of course. She went on to talk about his amazing soul and that he was a special individual that would change my family and bring more balance. She also said that he would definitely be my "mama's boy." Not that Luca does not love me, but I would never call him a "mama's boy." Rather, he is more enamored with Daddy and other men. So when Kirsten shared her insight, I felt a little tingle and felt even more connected to the little soul growing, who we would name Silvio. The first few months were rough, and I had a difficult time connecting with Kirsten's insight. Silvio was in pain and cried so much that I felt like he could not express his true spirit. I knew it was there, but I was exhausted and preoccupied with the other kids, so I too had a hard time feeling our special connection. Now that Silvio is six months old and is quite the smiley, happy guy I completely understand the whole "mama's boy" thing. He melts me at any time of the day. My dear friend Kristen adores Silvio and she and I agreed the other day that he got something truly amazing about him. (Hopefully she will have a baby soon...but until then she gets to enjoy mine!). I am reveling in our extraordinary connection and feel truly grateful that he came into our lives. I know that his spirit entered this world at such a crazy time in my life, but he was meant to change me and he has. I feel like he has softened me in such a unique way and definitely created more spiritual balance in our home. I look forward to the continual exploration of love, joy, and spirit with my little Silvio.

Surrounding

Although our Lake Tahoe vacation was different from what we expected, it was so nice to be out of the city and in such an incredible natural setting. The day we went to the pond, while the kids were out on a raft with Brian and Prospero, I was able to hang out with the Nug, take some great pictures of him, and breath in the beautiful surroundings. I had a chance to take a short run which allowed me some alone time and some space. Although it was very hot and I was incredibly unaccustomed to the altitude, I thoroughly enjoyed the space to take it all in. I know that we will be back there some time, maybe when the kids are a bit older. I know that Sofia and Luca had a wonderful time and still talk about their "Lake Tahoe vacation." Just yedterday, Sofia became very sad when we told her that she wouldn't be going swimming in the Lake any time soon. I told her that we would go back some time later. And we will.