Rare Moment

It is extremely difficult to get all three children to hold still for even a split second, so we have very few pictures of all three together. Luca is the most difficult, wiggling and thrashing around. Gotta love boys. Silvio loves to stare at the camera, so we can take lots of great pictures of him. Sofia makes funny faces and often looks away. I caught all of three of them on our last day in Tahoe. I wanted to get a shot of the boys in their soccer shirts. I must say, I do love to dress those two the same every so often. It is just so cute and sweet. Luca does not quite realize that he has another companion in Silvio. Although one day about a month ago, we out a cute hat on Silvio and Luca looked at him and said, "he's going to play baseball with me!" He was so excited. Of course, Brian and I looked at each other and had to hold ourselves back from tearing. In that moment, Luca realized for the first time that Silvio was not going to be a baby forever and that he would be able to play with him some day. There is something so incredibly special about brothers, not that I have any experience in my life. I think that boys can have an amazing bond without any of the drama that girls sometimes have. Brian and I always talk about how awesome it will be to watch Luca and Silvio grow into this relationship as brothers. We often wonder how Sofia will fare as the boys grow closer, but we know that Sofia revels in her "girlness" and has no problem being the special girl in the family. I sometimes wonder why Brian and I both felt like we wanted a girl with Silvio. Not that we were disappointed in any way when we found out we were pregnant with a boy. I know that our family is perfect the way it is. I look at this picture and feel so grateful for these three special beings. I still can't quite believe it myself, that they are all mine. I am so blessed.

Paderino

Actually it's "padrino" which is Italian for Godfather. Around our house Prospero is Sofia's "padrino" and she only recently began saying it properly. It once was "paderino" which I find endearing. I have known Prospero since 1992, so we have a long history of friendship. He is more like family than a friend, especially since he has become a "padrino" to our sweet Sofia. The last few years, I have began to appreciate our relationship in a new way because he has embraced our children as his own. Not only have he and Brian become best friends, but he has become more like a brother to me. Whenever Sofia and Luca see him, they scream "padrino!" and run around in excitement. Needless to say, they love spending time with him. Prospero has joined us on a few vacations, including our trip to Italy in 2006 and our most recent trip to Lake Tahoe. Of course Brian and I love the company, and it's also nice to have an extra set of arms around! He even babysat for us on my birthday as a surprise so that Brian could take me out to dinner. I am so grateful for our Padrino and our friend. He has become such an important part of our family. It's just amazing to think we met on the corner of Masonic and Turk in 1992 because my he was a friend of my boyfriend at the time. He we are 16 years later, still friends and a "paderino" to our children. Pretty darn amazing.

Mama's Boy

We all know that I have it bad for Silvio. There is something about these sons of mine that just about melts my heart any time of day. Not that I do not feel the same way for Sofia, but she and I have a unique connection that only girls can experience. I will save that for another post. When I was first pregnant with Silvio, I went to see my Reiki Master, Kirsten. I was excited to see her because I wanted her take on the little being growing in my body. I had felt a lot of feminine energy, but it did not quite feel like a girl, so I was very confused. Kirsten first asked me what I thought I was having, and I told her about this mixed message I was experiencing, and she laughed and said "Oh, well, it's a boy with a lot of feminine energy." Of course. She went on to talk about his amazing soul and that he was a special individual that would change my family and bring more balance. She also said that he would definitely be my "mama's boy." Not that Luca does not love me, but I would never call him a "mama's boy." Rather, he is more enamored with Daddy and other men. So when Kirsten shared her insight, I felt a little tingle and felt even more connected to the little soul growing, who we would name Silvio. The first few months were rough, and I had a difficult time connecting with Kirsten's insight. Silvio was in pain and cried so much that I felt like he could not express his true spirit. I knew it was there, but I was exhausted and preoccupied with the other kids, so I too had a hard time feeling our special connection. Now that Silvio is six months old and is quite the smiley, happy guy I completely understand the whole "mama's boy" thing. He melts me at any time of the day. My dear friend Kristen adores Silvio and she and I agreed the other day that he got something truly amazing about him. (Hopefully she will have a baby soon...but until then she gets to enjoy mine!). I am reveling in our extraordinary connection and feel truly grateful that he came into our lives. I know that his spirit entered this world at such a crazy time in my life, but he was meant to change me and he has. I feel like he has softened me in such a unique way and definitely created more spiritual balance in our home. I look forward to the continual exploration of love, joy, and spirit with my little Silvio.

Surrounding

Although our Lake Tahoe vacation was different from what we expected, it was so nice to be out of the city and in such an incredible natural setting. The day we went to the pond, while the kids were out on a raft with Brian and Prospero, I was able to hang out with the Nug, take some great pictures of him, and breath in the beautiful surroundings. I had a chance to take a short run which allowed me some alone time and some space. Although it was very hot and I was incredibly unaccustomed to the altitude, I thoroughly enjoyed the space to take it all in. I know that we will be back there some time, maybe when the kids are a bit older. I know that Sofia and Luca had a wonderful time and still talk about their "Lake Tahoe vacation." Just yedterday, Sofia became very sad when we told her that she wouldn't be going swimming in the Lake any time soon. I told her that we would go back some time later. And we will.

Trip, not quite a vacation

So we planned a week-long trip to Lake Tahoe a few months ago. Sofia has been talking about her "vacation in Lake Tahoe" for about a month now. She was telling a man that worked at Trader Joe's the other day all about our trip and proceeded to tell him that he had a "vacation shirt" on. I had to laugh; I was amazed that she recognized a Hawaiian shirt and associated that type of shirt with vacations. Awesome. So here we are after weeks of preparing. It sure does take a ton of planning (and a minivan) to get a family of five up to the mountains. You should have seen the car, full of stuff, kids, and equipped with DVD players, thankfully. We made it up after one quick stop at In-n-Out (Brian had to have it) and a few movies. The kids were thrilled to see our "vacation house" and were running around screaming. The house is about 4 times the size of our own, so you could only imagine the excitement.
The "trip" began without a hitch, as we joined our friends Daniela and Roberto (and the rest of La Famiglia Italiana) at the pool near their condo in Incline Village. Seriously, there were about twelve people there, all related and grew up in my neighborhood. They are extremely welcoming and the kids love to play together. And we love that the kids names are as follows: Chiara, Giovanna, Santino, Giovanni, Rosella, and of course, Sofia, Luca, and Silvio. We definitely felt right at home. The kids had a blast and Brian and I took turns in the pool with Sofia and Luca. The next day, we ventured to the beach because Sofia was constantly asking about "the Lake Tahoe" and could not stop talking about swimming in the lake. We packed our four bags, tent, sand toys, and swim gear and headed out. This was a disaster. The Nug did not like the heat and I could not seem to find an inch of space without sand, so we had to hold him. Sofia did not like the "messy, wet sand" and thought the water was too cold (um, did I mention that she is a bit particular?). Luca was of course, having a great time. Within a half hour Brian wanted to leave, and I felt exactly the same. Okay, so check the beach off the list. As we drove by the Truckee River everyday, we saw so many people floating down the river in their inner tubes or boats. We wanted to be on one of those rafts, but we could not go with three small children. At that point we felt a bit defeated. Thankfully our dear friend Prospero was coming up to join us for a few days. The kids love their "padrino" (Italian for godfather) and were jumping up and down as soon as he arrived. We were grateful to have another set of hands to help us. At least we weren't outnumbered. We headed out for a pony ride that afternoon and the kids loved it. They were in awe of the horses, as they had never been that close to a horse before. The next day we went to the local pond and had a great time. Sofia called it "the small Lake Tahoe." It was much more manageable with much less sand. Brian, Prospero, Sofia, and Luca even took a ride on a wood raft that was there and the kids weren't even tempted to jump off. I happily sat with Silvio in the shade of a tree on the grass. He sat there sweetly and played with ball and a horse. It was a successful activity. Okay, we felt like we could do this vacation thing. Then later that night we ate bad chicken and the next morning Brian and I were hit with an awful bout of food poisoning. Brian had it worse than me and spent the morning in the bathroom. It was terrible. When he was actually able to talk midday, he simply said, "I just want to go home." So we spent the next two hours hurriedly packing and cleaning. And we were out of there.
A mom at Sofia school once said when speaking of her upcoming vacation that when you travel with your family it is more like a trip then a vacation. I laughed. Now, that definitely rings true. It was nice to get away, but it was also very hard. It took weeks of planning and days of packing just to simply get our family out of our home. With three small children, I think I appreciate home and all of the comforts that come with it. We had some great moments, but it was definitely more of a "trip" than a vacation. Sofia and Luca had a great time, so I would call it a success. And we got some great pictures!

Raspberry Hands

Sofia does not eat much but loves raspberries. One day, she began to put raspberries on each of her fingers, just like one would do with olives. She loves to fill one hand, giggles, and screams, "I have a raspberry hand!" Yesterday she managed to fill all of her fingers and she was so proud of herself. We had to capture the moment. Sofia continues to catch us off guard with her interesting observations and questions. She recently has taken to asking a million "why" questions, half of which I have a hard time answering. This morning she asked me if there were sharks in Lake Tahoe (we are on vacation) and I said "oh, no honey." She promptly replied, "mommy, why aren't there any sharks in Lake Tahoe, but there are sharks in the ocean?" I paused. Uh oh. I fumbled and then responded, "well, because sharks live in salt water..." and immediately looked at Brian with a look of uncertainty. Brian of course, reminded me that there indeed were freshwater sharks, so I had to tell Sofia, "sharks don't like to live in Lake Tahoe because it is too cold." I still do not know that exact reason. She asked me the other day, "why does the moon only come out at night?" I luckily knew the answer to that one. I am definitely going to learn a lot from trying to answer her questions. Not only do I continue to learn so much about myself in this crazy journey called "parenting", now I need to study some physics, marine biology, chemistry, geology, astronomy, and maybe bioengineering. Phew, I am going to be one, well-educated mama in a few years.

Time Flies (Sort of)

Silvio is now six months old. He is such a big boy, weighing 20 pounds and giving his parents so much chub to nuzzle. He is also such an incredibly sweet little baby, extremely aware of his environment. The Nug makes lots of darling noises, such as "ah-ba" and "ah-ooh" that always give me a tingle. He is rolling like a champ and recently has mastered the art of sitting up which all moms know is so convenient! In some ways, I cannot believe he is six months old and in other ways, it seems like a lifetime since his birth. It was a rough start and I feel like sometimes, I am still recovering from the first few months. There was a lot of screaming and a lot of exhaustion, but we have come out the other side with an incredibly happy and smiley little guy who warms our hearts in more ways than we could have dreamed of. I am so grateful for this special spirit every moment, even when it is difficult and intense. I could not imagine our family without the Nug.
Anyway, on the day that Silvio was exactly six months, I decided it would be fun to bake a cake (from the box- I'm not that domestic) with the kids. Sofia and Luca each cracked an egg and took turns mixing the batter. I then let them try the batter and they loved it, of course. They were thrilled to make a cake for Silvio. Well, I think that they were more excited to eat it. They kept asking me when the cake would be ready and I told them to wait for the "beep" so when it finally sounded they broke into cheer. After I decorated it (a little too soon, as you can tell from the pictures) Nonno, Sofia, Luca, and I ate cake. Sorry Silvio, you have to wait another six months.

They May Say

I am a stickler for the schedule. I always have been and I always will be. I am so tired of everybody telling me to "relax" and that it is no big deal to let my kids stay up late. So today I tried the "laid back" approach and it was miserable. We went to my cousin Patti's annual wine tasting party in San Anselmo. It is a lovely event with lots of wine and an amazing spread of food. What could be better? We woke the kids up from their naps and headed out the door by 2:45. We had plenty of time to mingle and chat, sort of. Well, when you have three kids, there isn't much chatting for more than few minutes. The kids were having fun with the help of my cousin's 5-year-old daughter (Sofia's entertainment) and a little dog (Luca's entertainment). We were taking turns holding Silvio and sipping wine. I started to get a bit anxious around 6:00 since we weren't done with the wine tasting and dinner was yet to be served. I knew we had a 45 minute drive to get home, so I began to watch the clock. At around 6:30, I told Brian that I felt like we should just leave because we had to get the kids home for bed. Our kids eat around 5:45-6, head to bath around 6:15 or so, and then head to their room for books and bedtime. We walk out of their room around 7:15 and hope that we don't go in too many times. Our kids are early risers, no matter what time they go to bed, so I am neurotic about getting them to bed on time. Otherwise, I have incredibly cranky children the next day and that is no fun for anyone. Anyway, Brian really wanted to eat and I don't blame him since the smell of the sugo (pasta sauce) and the grilled steak permeated the air. The table was slowly being filled with grilled vegetables, antipasto, plates of prosciutto and salami, heirloom tomatoes, insalata di farro (my contribution), olives, grilled chicken, sausage and beef. Need I say more? I reluctantly agreed to stay and we waited until all of the dinner was served. That was around 7:15 and I told Brian that we were to eat and run. Of course, Luca shoveled down some food and took off, so I was left to do the same. I never sit down to eat. I don't get much pleasure out of eating these dyas, since I am not able to actually sit down and enjoy the food on my plate. Brian told me today, "well, that is your choice." But I explained later in the car, that if we were both to sit down and eat, then the kids would be left to run rampant. Luca was exhausted and was becoming a bit clumsy, so I knew I had to watch him like a hawk on the wide stairs that surrounded the deck. I barely finished my plate and I was urging Brian to do the same so we could jam out of there. I don't know why I thought that Sofia would forget about the "sprinkle cake" that was in the other room. She is a sugar queen and never lets anyone forget there is a cookie, cake, cupcake, or even a crumb in the near vicinity. So we had to let them each have a small piece of cake before we left so as to avoid complete meltdowns for the entire length of our drive home. Thank God we had a trial run of our new DVD players in the car (for our upcoming trip to Lake Tahoe). The kids were thrilled to know that Wallace and Grommit was awaiting them in the car. Needless to say, they were motionless the whole ride home, but Silvio was another story. He was exhausted and hungry and was near a breakdown all the way home. Mothers cannot stand the sound of their little baby crying. So I was a complete mess. I explained to Brian that I do not like doing this and want to make sure we honor their schedule because "this is not fun for me." I explained how stressful it is to be in that situation. When our kids are older, I think we will be able to relax a bit and let the kids stay up late. But the kids were starting to lose it and all so that I could shovel down some amazing food and not taste a darn thing. They may say that I should just "relax" but I am going to stick with my scheduled self. Besides, I like putting them to sleep on time so that I can truly relax. Now, I am finally sipping a glass of wine and I am actaully enjoying it.

'Round and 'Round

Sofia and Luca love the carousel, so we go around and around on a "horsie" often. Last week, I took all the kids downtown so that we could see Brian's new office. I think the entire building heard us as soon as we walked in. My children aren't the quietest children in the world. Brian had told them that they could write on the walls, so they were asking for the special markers within minutes. His new office has huge walls of dry-erase board, so the kids went crazy drawing. Sofia drew a Were-Rabbit because her and Luca are in love with a new video: "Wallace and Grommit and the curse of the Were-Rabbit." It is pretty silly stuff that I highly reccommend. Luca just scribbled but insisted that he was writing his name. After a few minutes, I began to feel anxious, knowing that many of Brian's colleagues were working right down the hall. They didn't seem incredibly interested in our children, so I assumed that they wouldn't be incredibly understanding about the level of noise they were making right outside their offices.
Well, we soon left and Brian escaped for a bit to go on the carousel (yet again) with the kids. This time, we went to the Zeum carousel which has no kitty cats, highly disappointing to our little girl. She got over it quickly and chose a horse with pink and blue sparkly gems (surprise). Luca wanted to ride on a giraffe. I love this carousel because it is originally from the Playland at the beach which closed years ago. My mom talked about going to playland when she was growing up, so I like to think that maybe Sofia or Luca is riding on a horse that my mother once was on. I love that about living in San Francisco. We have only been back here a year, and I feel like I am still adjusting to life in the city. I have such history here which Brian really loves since he grew up in so many places. We feel settled here and know that our children will grow up in the city just like I did. I have so many memories as a child in various places throughout the city and I get to share those moments, those connections with my children. Pretty awesome. So many people in the East Bay would talk about how "un-kid-friendly" San Francisco could be, and I could not disagree more. I feel like there are so many wonderful families here and feel right at home. Brian and I have always felt connected to a life in an urban environment so living in Oakland was a challenge for us. We felt unsettled and anxious to begin our life back in the city. Finally last year we left our bigger, beautiful craftsman (in a crappy neighborhood) for a tiny 1950's track home on the edge of San Francisco. At least we were in the city and not just across the bridge. We know that this is not our last home but we feel like we can relax and enjoy our lives in a more settled place. Sofia knows that she lives in San Francisco and I would not have it any other way. (Thank God Brian likes it too).

Pig Tails

What is it about little girls with pig tails that makes them so darling? If I could, I would put Sofia's hair in pig tails every day because it just about melts my heart. Unfortunately, Sofia does not like anything in her hair and will only let me put it up every so often. About ten minutes after I finish meticulously parting her hair and putting it into perfect little pig tails, she will rip out the rubber bands because it is not "tight enough." For some reason, girlfriend has to have the rubber bands in super tight or she freaks out. She is very particular about certain things. She will always ask me, "Mommy, do I look beautiful?" and of course, I tell her she is amazingly beautiful, no matter what. She is obsessed with princesses, and sometimes I fear that she is beginning to focus on the importance of being beautiful in order to be successful. I am probably overreacting, but I do worry about the influence of images of beauty that surround us (and the misconception of what and where true beauty is...). She does love to watch movies about princesses which I swore I would never do, but with three kids, I have let go of my boundaries and I have given in on some level to her preference for everything girlie. She talks about lipstick (chap stick) and make-up even though I do not wear either but once a week, if that. I have talked to so many other mothers who have experienced the same thing with their daughters and we agree that there is only so much we can control with our children. Not to say that I am not taking responsibility for exposing her to Cinderella and Ariel, but I do feel like she is inherently obsessed with everything sparkly. At bed time, she loves to sing us a song. She makes us get in to bed with her and lay down while she sits up, pats her leg and sings loudly. She usually sings a song that goes something like this: "Sparkly princess with make-up and lipstick, she loves to go dancing and flip, flip." She has recently discovered the ability to rhyme, hence the nonsensical nature of her song. She will go on and on some nights and then will abruptly lay down and ask "Mommy did you like my song? Now sing 'Scarborough Fair' please." Then I sing softly to her and try to leave the room with Luca yelling at me. Sofia is so sweet at night with her silly songs and tight squeezes. She is so cuddly and loving, I could just lay there all night. Those darn pig tails; I swear she could do anything and get away with it. If only she had figured that out. For now I'll keep that to myself (and on the blog.)

Spiritual Teachers

The other day I had a few minutes to kill before my dentist appointment; a welcomed free moment in my life. I decided to drop into a book store and browse. I was not looking for anything in particular but found myself in the parenting section, of course. I stood there for quite a while skimming the titles, mostly on pregnancy and child birthing (we all know I don't need any of those books) and was about to leave when a small, little, yellow book grabbed my attention. I pulled out "The Seven Spiritual Laws for Parents" by Deepak Chopra and opened it up. I read about two sentences and walked straight to the register. I am constantly grappling with how to be the best mother to these three amazing children and feel like I am always in need of reaasurance, guidance, support, and direction. I love to find new approaches, new ways of thinking about motherhood and parenting.

I started to read the book a few days ago. I even brought the book to a cafe last night and went back over the first few sections with a notebook in hand while I sipped a glass of wine. In my free time away from the kids, I am reading a parenting book. You never can stop being a mother, they say. Anyway, I wanted to remember and remind myself of some of the concepts in the book. After the first few pages, I decided to write my first note: "The deepest nurturing you can give your child is spiritual nurturing." Am I giving these children a sense of spirituality? I am not sure and that is a problem. Okay, note taken. I need to work on that. I wne to on to read about punitive punishment and how it "emphasizes moral dilemmas that you haven't solved for yourself." So do I have some unresolved issues? I guess we all do on some level, but I know that I clearly have some parenting issues that need to be sorted out. We definitely use the "time-out" and feel like it does not work, especially with Luca. I have been trying to figure out what to do with Luca since he has a hard time listening and seems unbothered by the threat of a time-out. After reading this the other day, I decided to try a new approach to discipline with Luca. He and Sofia were playing and it somehow escalated into an argument and Luca hit Sofia. Rather than giving him an immediate time-out with no explanation, I decided to take him out of the room and talk to him. As soon as I picked him up, he instantly began to scream and cry but slowly calmed down once I sat with him on th floor. I talked to him about how we don't hurt other people's bodies and he agreed with me and said with a pathetic voice, "okay, mommy." He was calm, I was calm. This was nice. Sometimes, I struggle in the moment to stay composed when all the kids are screaming and the energy is escalated. I am very sensitive to chaotic energy and easily feel anxious and upset which the children sense immediately. This new approach felt so much better than a typical time-out with lots of screaming and loud voices. I like this little yellow book.
Next I write down "Show only love, be only love" which Deepak Chopra describes as the "one sentence for parenting." I need to read that every single day. I tell all three kids that I love at least ten times a day, but I know that my frustration and exhaustion surface and cloud my ability to be loving. It is even hard for me to be honest about how much I struggle with being patient and calm. I have talked to my close friends about this and I am often told "you have three small children and that is so hard!" I am well aware of how incredibly difficult it is to take care of three small children without much help, but I never feel like it is an excuse. I want more than anything to be a source of love, support, and understanding to these little beings and I sometimes fail at that. Boy, this is hard to write. I love to read books like this, so that I can find new ways to approach the awesome job of mothering. I know that being truthful about the struggle is part of the healing. I am simply trying to surround myself with words, thoughts, feelings that remind me of the power of parenting. Not only are we as parents, powerful spiritual teachers but we are students of our children. They are the true teachers of love in this world with their ability to see the inherent beauty in all people and all things. I know that I have learned more about myself and my place in this universe since I became a mother. I also know that I have never spent more time analyzing my own person and each and every relationship in my life. I am learning so much from this experience of motherhood because I have the three greatest teachers in the world.